Tag Archives: sexism

Fight Father Time with the Cat Litter Facial

1 Feb

As posters from the recent Hollywood blockbuster “The Counsellor” remind us, scars, wrinkles and other signs of ageing are unacceptable in women and yet add character to men. Signs of aging make a man more distinguished, rugged if you like. His stray greys make him a silver fox. He seems more worldly and mysterious. Like a mature whiskey aged in a highland oak barrel, the older man is all the more delectable. On the other hand, a woman must avoid ageing as it will always make her less attractive. No one wants to date a haggard old spinster. Less still do they want to hear a mad old bat attempt to speak with authority. As women age, they become non-people. Their worth has an expiry date.  Older women become disposable, whilst older men are generally seen to have acquired wisdom, authority and experience through their years.

Of course, these sexist and ageist stereotypes are the foundation that holds up the $88 billion anti-ageing industry. Since women’s physical appearance is attached to their social, cultural and economic worth in a way that isn’t true for men, the former are encouraged to spend a sizeable portion of their budgets on looking younger not just by body-dismorphia-enducing advertising campaigns, but also by cultural bodies and the economy. That is why only 18% of TV presenters aged over 50 are women and why older women are the segment of the population hardest hit by the cuts.

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

So natural woman, if you want to remain a person with worth, you must disguise your humanity from the world and ensure you stay eternally youthful. But we are in crisis and anti-ageing treatments are so expensive. I can’t afford to launch war on Old Father Time and fight the natural changes of my hateful face. In Lenin’s words, what is to be done? Internet beauty bloggers (and the Daily Mail) have an answer: the Cat Litter facial! You, like I did, can try it at home…

Step 1) Learn to recognise that your ageing face is repugnant and needs immediate correction. Women’s mags or the telly can provide inspiration  (Heat magazine’s “Face Watch” column is particularly effective).

Step 2) Buy some cat litter from your local supermarket. Or, if you don’t want to fork out, just scoop up the remnants of your cat’s litter tray, making sure you scrape out any bits of poo before moving on to step 3.

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Step 3) Grind down the pellets of litter in a pestle and mortar until they form a smooth texture. Mix with Evian-branded water. You’ll be impressed by the professional finish that this gives.

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Step 4) Cook your mask slowly in a bain marie. The bain marie ensures a gentle and uniform heat throughout the mask. Microwaving the mask risks too much heat: you don’t want scold your skin with hot shit.

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Step 5) Apply to the face and leave for 15 minutes. Make sure you don’t lie down near your cat. You might find, like I did, that the mask gives off a Gruyere cheese scent as it dries. Wash off cat litter.

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Step 6)  Admire your younger looking face. Voila! Check me out! Post cat-litter facial and my face is as smooth as a newly tarmacked road! Unfortunately, if it doesn’t work for you, it’s time to save up for a trip to the needle farm.

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P.S. Not everyone recommends the cat litter facial. Cosmopolitan magazine, for example, insists that it is not advisable and is probably dangerous. Cosmo bases this view on the advice of their expert, a representative of the American chain beauty salon Sine Qua Non, which happens to be one of the magazine’s numerous sponsors. The beauty rep advises the reader to stick to her salon’s own, much superior brand of “Hungarian-sourced” bentonite clay, which is definitely very different from the bentonite clay used in cat litter. What’s more, her salon will put this clay on your face and rub it in using a soothing motion for just $118! You could also try the bird poo facial for $215.

#deardave

23 Aug

Hi Dave,

Thanks for your patronising note to Sarah.

Reading your email to her, I had assumed that Sarah was a 9-year-old girl guide who had sent you a postcard from the Costa del Sol. Then I read her open letter to you, and realised she was a campaigns professional inviting you to a meeting. She wasn’t on holiday. She was at a conference.

I would imagine that Sarah, her colleagues and their supporters do not see their twitter activism as “enjoyable banter.” This is because they have to live with the consequences of the constant sexual objectification of women in the media every day. Your extremely condescending and rather Victorian response to Sarah – addressing her as if she were a small child and dismissing her questions entirely – illustrates the intrinsically sexist way in which you view women.

I’m sorry that the pillar of your “newspaper” is the image of a topless teenager dolled-up and presented for the male gaze (alongside fully-clothed men doing useful activities). But then again, your whole “newspaper” is a pillar for misogynism, racism and homophobia.

I hope you will get rid of page 3, but I’d rather your whole “newspaper” just disappeared. Until then, I will continue to judge people who buy it when I pass them in WHSmith 🙂

Regards

Joanna

From http://nomorepage3.org/news/letters-to-the-editor-part-1/:

“20 August 2013

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your note. Unfortunately, we don’t have time for holidays here! I’m glad you had a good weekend. I am a fan of the Guides – I was a Scout myself. To save you any further effort, I won’t be changing my stance on Page 3. It is a pillar of the paper, the readers (both male and female) like it and I do not for one moment believe it is the basis of all evil. There are, I believe, many much more worthy targets you could be turning your admirable attentions to. I will continue to enjoy the Twitter banter. Regards David. david.dinsmore@news.co.uk

From http://nomorepage3.org/news/dear-dave-an-open-letter-to-dave-dinsmore-about-girl-guidinggirl-scouting/:

“20 August 2013

Dear Dave

I wanted to write to fill you in on the amazing experience that I have had at the WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts) European Conference. I was there on behalf of No More Page 3 as one of the key note speakers. That’s right; it’s not just Girl Guiding UK that is showing an interest in our campaign, it’s the whole European organisation. The reason that we were invited is because they are an organisation that works hard to create a safe space for young women and girls to be themselves, to grow and develop in a wonderful bubble of support and respect. They talk a lot about their members becoming “change agents” who work to improve the world around them. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that they feel very strongly that the pressure on girls these days to look or be a certain way is having a negative impact on their ability to become the powerful young women they ought to be.

I was planning on giving you all the details of my presentation and what the media is doing to make the lives of young women and girls so much harder. But you know what, I’m not going waste your time with that when really all I want to know is, will you meet with a couple of the Guiding UK Advocates and listen to their stories? I want you to sit opposite some of these incredible young women and hear how Page 3 impacts them and the lives of the girls and young women they represent.

After listening to them, do you think that you would be able to look them in the eye and tell them that it’s just about money? That the damage done to young women’s body image and perception in society as sexualised, ultra perfect beings is less important than selling newspapers?

Can you even prove that your sales would drop? Have you asked your readers? What happened when your predecessor dropped Page 3 in favour of Help for Heroes t-shirts? Did the sales tailspin into single figures because people didn’t know where to turn for their boobs?

Your argument is disingenuous and unproven. Talk to some Guides Dave, be a change agent yourself and make this world a little bit better for all of us.

Kind regards,

Sarah
No More Page 3”

Letter to Robin Thicke

21 Aug

Dear Mr Thicke,

I am writing to you out of a very real concern for your health. Following, via the media, your behaviour of late, I have reason to believe that you suffer from the relatively rare condition of Thickism. Please see the excerpt below from my Oxford Handbook of Medicine for more information on the ailment.

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There are a few recent incidents in particular that have alerted me to the possibility that you may have contracted Thickism:

1) You publicly acknowledged that your song, Blurred Lines, sounds and feels a lot like Marvin Gaye’s Got to Give it Up. You then, earlier this week, began proceedings to sue the Gaye estate in order to force them to announce that you did not, in fact, copy elements of their deceased relative’s work. This behaviour shows typical Thickist elements: your actions in raising the lawsuit are antithetical to the assertion made in your previous public statement. They also display misplaced arrogance (your song, undoubtedly, could not have been so catchy without the Marvin Gaye hooks, yet you decide to sue his family).

2) You announced in a media interview “what a pleasure it (was) to degrade women” in the video and lyrics of your misogynistic rape song Blurred Lines. Then, when called out globally for promoting rape and violence against women, you, antithetically to your first statement, announced that the song was “actually a feminist movement within itself.” This assertion, or mansplaination, shows Thickist levels of delusion.

Robin. Lets make this clear. Your song and video are not “a feminist movement.”

Blurred Lines: a song in which you and your buddies attempt to “liberate” a “good girl” by telling her that she wants “crazy, wild sex.” However, she is not asking for this. You repeat the lyrics “I know you want it” and “do it like it hurt” whilst your musical partner occasionally mentions “I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two.”

Then we come to the video. Three young, naked women prancing in an infantilised manner around three older, fully-clothed, predatory-looking men, who tail, bite, pull the hair of, and blow smoke in the faces of said women. Just a bit of “degrading”, “fun” (your words not mine). Violence against, and sexual objectification of, women. Is this any different to all the other examples of sexist portrayal of women we see in the media every day? No. Does that make it OK? No.

Your song lyrics– about a man in a bar who “knows” a young girl really wants “crazy, wild” sex with him but won’t say so – puts the all too common occurrence of men claiming that they thought no meant yes (the so-called but non-existent blurred lines of consent) as their excuse for raping someone. Sorry Robin. Such men are not feminists. They are rapists.

It’s not that I can’t take a sexist joke (actually I can’t), but your sexist bit of fun is damaging. Your idea that sexual consent is a blurred concept is, unfortunately, deeply ingrained in the way our society treats sexual assault. As Elizabeth Plank points out, the concept is what drives many to doubt the veracity of rape allegations. It’s why most victims never report their rape. It’s, as she says, the reason why 97% of rapists will never see a day in prison.

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Robin Thicke: feminisn’t

On another note, your sense of entitlement to the “hottest bitch in this place” (whatever the place is) shows elements of Thickist misplaced arrogance. You are not hot. Your creepy half-smirk, dark sunglasses and sinister tailing of naked young girls whilst in your full suit make you look like a perverted pantomime villain stroke sex pest. Maybe just go and put a modesty bag over your head.

Your retort to those who say your song is sexist is also a sign of Thickest arrogance and mansplaination. You say that we can’t deal with nudity and hate the human body. Please don’t patronise me Robin. My problem is not with the nude female form but with sexual objectification and songs misconstruing the meaning of sexual consent, both of which contribute to Rape Culture.

3) You directed the young naked girls in your Blurred Lines video to hold balloons carrying the slogan Robin Thicke Has A Massive Dick. My experience tells me that men who feel the need to announce in public that their manhood is sizable usually do so due to psychological complexes caused by their small penises. Again, announcing the opposite of the truth is a clear sign of Thickism. If you do have a small penis, which I strongly suspect you do, it is almost sure that you are suffering from the aforementioned condition and I suggest you seek medical help immediately.

As a form of treatment, I suggest you read The Second Sex by Simone De Beauvoir and perhaps donate some of the money you made from your song to your local rape crisis centre.

Sincerely,

Your feminist GP

Liberal Democrat party riddled with Phantom Hands Syndrome*

1 Jul

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrat party has confirmed today at a press conference that the majority of the group’s female members and party activists suffer from the highly contagious phenomenon of Phantom Hands Syndrome.

The Syndrome, first discovered by Faith Healer George Boak, 70, of Lightcliffe, West Yorkshire, causes victims to imagine that they are being molested. Boak encountered the disease amongst several of his female patients, who, due to their condition, accused him of indecent assault.

Says Clegg, who had previously been criticised for initially pretending he knew nothing of the complaints, later admitting that he had ignored several party activists’ accusations of sexual harassment by Lord Rennard and finally attempted to banalise the allegations by referring to them as “unwanted attention” rather than sexual molestation, “during the twenty years that accusations were made against Lord Rennard, there was also a two decade bout of Phantom Hands amongst all our female party members. This was not a coincidence. A separate investigation into the specific allegations about Lord Rennard will take place under our disciplinary procedure. All women involved in the accusations will be disciplined and will then step down from their posts for health reasons. There is therefore no need for any Liberal Democrats to attend diversity training.

According, A4EG4S, the health organisation previously known as the NHS, “Phantom Hands is a syndrome caused by sensations that originate in the spinal cord and brain. It is most common amongst women who come into contact with chauvinistic men. It can be treated by repeatedly undermining and ridiculing the patient until she realises that she is a hysterical, lying, attention-seeking lunatic.”

On the Rennard incident, a feminist organisation commented, “sexual harassment serves to remind women that our role as a sex object will always trump any other qualities we possess and therefore we can never be on equal terms with men who also possess those qualities – be they political skills, sporting prowess or the ability to stand on a stage and make others laugh. We can always be put back in our rightful place with an unwanted, insistent brush of the thigh or an invitation to have sex with a man who holds the keys to the hatch in the glass ceiling” (quote from The F-Word.com).

Several expert commentators have suggested that self-identification as feminist and Phantom Hands syndrome may be linked.

*Please note that this news is made up by me.

Things people wouldn’t say about/to men

7 Mar

In an attempt to preserve and document #thingspeopledontsaytomen:

“Look how he’s dressed. What a cunttease!”

“You may well have a point, sir, but nobody will listen to you unless you stop being so shrill and hysterical”

“Raven haired George Osborne delivered the budget in his shiny black shoes and prim blue suit”

“If we had all-white, all-male shortlists we wouldn’t get very good candidates”

He’s a “Working Father”/a “Career Father”/a “Single Father”

“He’s such a whore/slut”

“Update your wardrobe with this seasons must-have colours!”

“Stop being such a big boy’s shirt”

“Let’s go over and listen to the commentary from the boys’ event.”

“Hahahaha a male mechanic? Can they even take a wheel off?”

“Don’t be so sensitive! Jokes about men being raped/beaten/murdered are just harmless banter”

“So when is she gonna put a ring on that finger?”

“He’s really clever & successful but I bet he would give it all up to be pretty. It’s a shame for him”

“Why didn’t you change your name when you got married?”

“He must be lying. He’s a manipulative attention-seeker”

“What’s up with the temper? Having your raspberry week, or what?”

“Do you want to share a school run?”

“Phwoar look at the legs on that. I was talking about the beer, honest dahlin'”

“Damn baby, how are you? You’re sexy. Why won’t you talk to me? I’m just trying to be nice, you fat bastard.”

“If you didn’t want strangers to shout things at you about your body, then you shouldn’t have worn those shorts”

“Men are really bad at spatial awareness. It’s because of cave people that men have car accidents all the time.”

“Your biological clock is ticking!”

“Oooh, a business trip! Are you going to get some time for shopping?”

“Most men secretly want to be raped. It’s nature.”

“What are you wearing?”

“Your anger at being treated like a subhuman fucktoy is probably due to a hormonal fluctuation, nothing more.”

“Nothing grosser than a man who doesn’t shave his entire body. Ewwwwwwwwww!”

“I think you’re so *brave* for not wearing make up! I wish I could get away with that.”

“GET YOUR COCK OUT FOR THE LADS/GIRLS!”

“Look at David Cameron pouring his curves into his suit.”

“All that beer is gonna go straight to his hips!”

“Don’t rape.”

“You manage to combine being a full-time scientist with being a father?! Amazing!”

“I’m going to have to ask you to change jobs, because you’ve been sexually harassed by the boss.”

“He should “save himself” for marriage”

“You’re very handsome. How come you aren’t married? Is it because you work too hard?”

“He says he was raped but he was obviously asking for it.”