Tag Archives: sex

Top Tips for a Disappointing Sex Life

15 Jun

Favourite headline: “So you ate a cupcake? Fast moves to burn it off!”

Women’s magazines serve an important role for those who wish to be better females. With their narrow views of what constitutes fashion, beauty and feminine behaviour, magazines promote a one-dimensional image of how a “proper” woman should be, thereby making “woman” a simple, un-nuanced target for capitalist corporations to market to. Of course, a key aspect of magazine womanhood is knowing how to please your man (women’s magazines don’t do gay, polyamory, bi or any other non-heterosexual inclination), including (as the endless “mindblowing”, “dynamite”, utterly ridiculous, boringly choreographed and repetitive sex tips every week indicate) physically. The likes of Cosmo and Glamour help us to realise how disappointing we are in the bedroom and highlight the danger of our significant others straying as a result.  Best, then, to follow the magazines “tips” (normally sponsored by a consultant “sexpert” who invariably has a new book out) no matter how, odd, shall we say, they may seem. They are guaranteed to “make your man go wild” (although, I sometimes worry, “wild” in what sense?). Below are fifteen of the best, with some added advice from moi!

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Via mookychick.co.uk

1) “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” As my colleague noted, you could also use the fork to wake him up if he falls asleep on top of you. Incidentally, it’s lucky Cosmo clarified that one shouldn’t “break the skin”. Many females that don’t read Cosmo probably still think that is a legitimate pulling technique, no doubt.

2) “Want to make oral sex a sweet treat for him? Mashed banana or peaches inside your vajayjay is a great way to tempt him downstairs for dessert! It’ll drive him wild!” (Via Vagenda: road-tesing Cosmo’s sex tips). If you must train your man to pleasure you by using foodstuffs, in the same way you might train your pet to fetch with dog biscuits, I wonder if you might be better off getting yourself a new man. Besides, I’m not sure if storing fruit in your genitals would cause mould. In any case, if you decide to go ahead, and your man meets the mashed yield he finds in your vagina with a bemused or scared expression, just moan his name or something… that will make it normal again.

3) “Finger-Food Foreplay: Have a romantic dinner without utensils so you can feed each other. There’s something sensual about placing food in your partner’s mouth. It’s such fun — especially when you serve stuff that’s not supposed to be eaten with your hands, like salads or pasta. After a meal like this, serve yourself for dessert.” (Via Cosmo favourite sex tips) Tried this with a Big Mac  in Macdonald’s on Sunday. No one wanted desert.  

4) “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.” (Via nerve.com) Cosmo leaves it up to us what to do with this delicious concoction. But be warned, if mixing one part phlegm to one part water ignites your passions, it is possible that you have found a new low amongst the mucus-lined depths of erotic boredom.

5) “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.” (Via Cosmo’s 50 ways to be boobilicious) Interesting. If this much body paint proves a little costly, you could always take inspiration from tip 3 and blend your favourite dinner (be it steak and chips, roast chicken, whatever tickles your fancy!) in the food processor, slop it all over yourself, and launch yourself at him like the erotic trooper that you are.  Then lick it off.  

6) “A little nip: Try a little playful bite or nibble when you’re giving your man all-over kisses. Hot spots for nibbling include his neck, stomach, inner thigh and bum.” (Via Cosmo kissing tips). If you are tired of nibbling your man’s bottom (it can become quite laborious, I find), you could always enlist the help of an obliging rodent.

hamster 7) “Sexpert” Henry, 25, says, “If we’re somewhere semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis.” (via Cosmo’s sex tips from guys). Nope. No danger of that going wrong. No one will notice that. But, just in case, maybe don’t try this on public beaches in Dubai.

8) “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) You could also try to get Bird Flu and pass it to him, to heighten the sneezing pleasure for both of you.

9) “Blow hot air from your mouth through his underwear” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) I’m glad Cosmo specified “from your mouth”! I was just about to go to the shops and stock up on baked beans! Phew! That could have been embarrassing!

10) To get into the festive mood, Glamour magazines “The Reindeer”, which is “your basic doggie style position. But with one or both parties using their hands to mime antlers. Festive! Also, great for testing your balance!” (Via Glamour magazine). I always like a good excuse to test my balance. Nothing else to add here really, other than do make sure you save this one for a special evening over Christmas. There’s nothing sadder than doing “The Reindeer” on a work night in January, and I should know. But you could always design your own “fun specials” for different times of the year or other religious festivals: do send in any ideas!

11) “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.” (Via The best of Cosmo ridiculous tips at Nerve.com). Perhaps I have misunderstood the extent of the sensitivities of the male glands, but my gut instinct is that, should you try this tip, your man may wonder what he has done to make you so angry with him that you would perform this ritual. But then again, my forehand volley is more powerful than most – perhaps I’m just too tame. An alternative would be to lay some peach stones (left over from tip 2) on the bed, lay his “member” on top of them, and stomp down hard.

12) “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.” (Via Nerve.com). I’m not sure what this means. I have thrown beer in the face of a man before, but I’m not sure that either of us regarded it as foreplay. Nevertheless, best blindly trust the sooth-saying words of Cosmopolitan magazine and massage your man with egg white and hops.

13) “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive” (Via buzzfeed.com). This works best if you do it as a surprise, and, as one of my twitter followers recommended, if you use a toilet brush. 

14) “Want to experience new sensations that will literally blow his mind? Get him to cover his penis in bicarbonate of soda and secretly fill your vagina with vinegar. Get ready for an explosive time!” (via… OK, I made that one up.)

15) “While it’s essential that you’re comfortable with each other and to be yourself with your partner, there are certain things your lover never need witness. Remember, whilst he may know that we aren’t entirely hairless beings, he doesn’t need to see the actual shaving of the underarms…” (via Glamour’s G-Spot Blog). This tip strikes me as especially problematic. If only they’d stopped writing at the first comma. Will making the reader feel she should be ashamed of (parts of) her body improve her sex life? Or rather, is feeling completely comfortable and free of shame, and trusting that your partner will not be disgusted by your body a precursor to more pleasure? Perhaps Glamour magazine should go f*** itself, as it were. 

Finally, let’s end with some classic Glamour imperative DOs and DON’Ts! DON’T let Glamour, Cosmo etc. make you feel anxious, insecure and that only he matters (of course, if this isn’t the case and this parallel cosmos of mostly food-related sex tips turns you on, fine). But isn’t it a shame that, given that Cosmopolitan alone has a readership of 3 million (made up of many teenage girls for whom tips like this  constitute sex education) that women’s magazines don’t offer something better? Actually, it’s not a shame. It’s a feminist issue. DO (really do!) read these: http://blog.museumofsex.com/the-internal-clitoris/ http://www.crunkfeministcollective.com/2011/05/16/it-gets-wetter-a-message-to-women-who-frequently-have-horrible-rushed-sex-nsfw/

The pathologisation of women’s bodies: make your vagina “nice and tidy”

6 Mar

As thousands of British women are increasingly realising, most vaginas are disgusting in their natural state. If you want to be a proper woman, you had better tidy yours up and make it look as much like Barbie’s as possible: smooth, hairless, flat, and preferably plastic. You see, variations in the appearance of women’s intimate anatomy are not, as you may have previously thought, natural. Rather, they are downright pathological.

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As top Labioplaster (that is, plastic surgeon specializing in improving the aesthetics of vaginas by chopping off the labia) Dr Stern explains on his labiaplast site, women with “large and asymmetrical labia” can experience “severe embarrassment” should they ever be able to find a sexual partner. As a few of Dr Stern’s fellow labioplasters have stated (quoted on Jezebel), if you want to avoid your man retching in horror when you remove your knickers, best to make your vagina “nice and tidy” and give it that “petite, athletic” look by having your labia minor (the inner lips) removed entirely. This process is aptly named The Barbie.  Perhaps, when you’ve had your labia chopped off, you could give them to your favourite Ken as a take home gift.

Dr Stern, the Labioplaster, is also a Vaginoplaster. That is, he helps women who have experienced childbirth to make their vaginas “tight” again. Vaginoplasty involves Dr Stern removing the entire vagina mucosa, the soft lining of your vagina, thereby “increasing friction” for your partner, who may otherwise find sex “less satisfying than it once was” before you pushed out all his babies.  You should also try Vaginal Bleaching to make your bits “lighter and whiter”, because white and prepubescent is always best.

Be warned, surgery for your vagina is very expensive and might set you back a good few thousand sterling. Therefore, if you are poor, I suggest you take out a loan. If this is not possible, it is best to switch off the lights if you get with a man and definitely don’t expect him to perform oral sex. That is, of course, unless you have a vagina mint handy, to “flavor your secretions” and make your otherwise horrid juices stomachable for your man.

A proper woman should also do her utmost to avoid the general public having to endure the unsightly curves of her intimate area. Woe betide you if you should ever go out with Camel Toe. If you are unsure what Camel Toe is, check out one of the many British women’s magazines (such as Heat), which helpfully police the phenomenon by ridiculing women in the public eye who suffer from the affliction.

Are you worried that one day you might fall victim to Camel Toe? You should be. According to the makers of SmoothGroove, the shoe horn-like piece of plastic that combats the affliction, “a staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight” experience Camel Toe at some point in their lives.” Camel Toe can cause critical levels of “embarrassment.” But SmoothGrove can make women’s lives “just that little bit easier.” As the makers say, the Camel Toe “remedy” allows “all women to get on with their lives without having to worry about how they look.” Well thank God for that. Thank God some one has been worrying about how to empower me as a woman, because all this time I had been preoccupying myself with other matters.

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I am grateful to SmoothGroove and the Labioplasters for helping me see the light. Before, I had worried about issues such as sexual violence, losing my job and the illness of loved ones. In more naïve stages of my life, I had felt embarrassed by events such as not realizing I have a snot on my nose, spitting food on people when I attempt (as I regularly do) to eat and talk at the same time, having the train’s digital bathroom door (that I have yet again failed to lock) opened by another passenger whilst I sit helplessly on the toilet seat out of reach of the “close” button, or watching unforeseen sex scenes on the television with relatives. All along, I could have put all my worrying and cringing energies into the aesthetics of my vagina. If only I’d fretted earlier, I could have had the ugly mess sorted by now.

Just so you know, Camel Toe is not yet a medical pathology. Say the makers of Smooth Grove of the Camel Toe terminology, “we’ve searched high and low for a medical term … but there isn’t one.” Watch this space.

Christmas present from the pharmaceuticals: A new medical dysfunction just for women!

22 Dec

Are you a woman? Do you sometimes have difficulty getting “in the mood”? Does sex sometimes prove disappointing? Did you think this was due to one or more of a whole range of factors in your life such as stress, body confidence issues, feeling disrespected by your partner, relationship satisfaction, the quality of your sexual education, a selfish lover or indeed wider social, political and economic factors? If you thought so, you would be wrong.

Leafing through the pre-Christmas weekend edition of one of Spain’s favourite newspapers, El País, I was delighted to learn of a cure for a new disorder that, according to the paper, affects 80% of women. Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSD), which appears to be alternatively termed as Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) by some medics, is an “illness” (El País’ term) whose symptoms include lack of sexual desire and an inability to orgasm. If you didn’t already know it, women’s sexualities aren’t just complex, they are positively pathological. Thankfully, some American pharmaceutical companies have found a cure for the dysfunction, which they themselves seem to have invented.

Your sexual failures and bodily dysfunctions can be quickly fixed by squirting Tefina, a spray gel containing testosterone, into your nose two hours before sexual activity. According to El País and their range of medical experts (many of whom happen to be pharmaceutical company directors), the nasal spray will make you horny and allow you to come. Yet, if you are scared that too much testosterone will cause “aggressiveness, excessive body hair, insomnia and weight gain” (as suggested by El País) then rejoice, because there is an alternative solution for your illness: the G-Shot.

Says one of El País’ said medical experts, the G-Shot simply involves injecting some collagen or hyarluronic acid into your G-spot, thereby making it bigger (but surely not more sensitive?), and it only costs £800. This confuses me somewhat, since I had previously believed that the G-spot was a mythical invention that happened to be conveniently located for the form of sexual activity preferred by heterosexual men (unlike the clitoris). If the G-spot doesn’t exist, how can one inject it with acid? Could this all be just another ploy by the multi-million pound cosmetogynecology and pharmaceutical industries to profit from women’s insecurities? Surely not. It was in the newspaper so it must be true.

I must go and wax my moustache – a happy sign that I may have enough testosterone to bottle and sell to all my friends for Christmas (with a healthy profit margin, of course J).