Tag Archives: Kate Middleton

Benefit scrounging parents to build pyramid for new Royal Overlord

23 Jul

Amid celebrations  for the birth of a new Royal Overlord, David Cameron has called for Britons to support his new Great British Pyramid programme, which will replace the previous Welfare State initiative endorsed by past governments.

Through the programme, peasants who have broken Great British protocol by, for example, seeking support when they are sick, old, with caring responsibilities or without a job will be forced to contribute to the building of a Great British Pyramid in homage to our newly born third-in-line to the throne.  Peasants who refuse to serve their stint pulling ton-heavy stones with old ropes as their only aid will be denied benefits indefinitely. In an interesting twist to this government policy, construction works will be filmed for a new BBC2 television series. Building on the success of previous series such as The Great British Bake Off and The Great British Sewing Bee, The Great British Pyramid will see peasants competing to pull the heaviest weight each day in return for extra working tax credits.

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A DWP mock-up of how the scheme will look in practice

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for the Department of Work and Pensions, said in a statement today, “the Great British Pyramid initiative returns fairness to the benefits system. It gives the taxpayer justice by ensuring that workshy scroungers will no longer get something for nothing.” Other organisations and experts have criticized the Great British Pyramid Scheme, along with wider welfare cuts. Disability Rights groups in particular have struck out at the government over what they see as a war on disabled people, citing the abolition of the Disability Living Allowance and the inhumanity of ATOS work assessments amongst other complaints. Says Mr Cameron,

“if disabled people are fit enough to attend protests against cuts, or indeed to voice their resistance to said cuts via the worldwide web, then they are fit enough to build a pyramid for our future King. However, the government does realise that not all disabled people are fit enough to haul rocks. We therefore plan to use ATOS assessments to refer the less able disabled to other pyramid-related duties, such as making blood and vital organ sacrifices in order to boost the future King’s favour with the Gods.”

According to government aids, the first intake of peasants to work on the Great British Pyramid will be sourced from the scrounger group known as Single Mothers. This group is also to be the worst effected by the wider welfare reform cuts currently hitting the nation. Says Satwat Rehman of One Parent Families Scotland,

“cuts to child benefit, child tax credits, help with childcare costs and most appallingly benefits for expectant mothers could prove to be the tipping point for lone parents and their children already being pushed to the brink by cuts to public services, rising living and childcare costs.”

In the view of feminist Laurie Pennie and other critics of these government policies, such targeting of single mothers by the orchestrators of welfare reform is down to a cruel mixture of sexism and classism. On the other hand, Duncan Smith refutes critics with his assertion that, “if single mothers didn’t want to be homeless, poor and hungry, then they shouldn’t have opened their legs in the first place.” Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, where housing benefit caps are resulting in critical levels of homelessness amongst single mother-led families, says,

“single mothers should go to university to find a husband. If single mothers can’t afford the £9000 per semester fees, as long as they are young and beautiful then they can access finance through the Sugar Baby mechanism, in which anonymous male members of our current parliament and our fat cat corporate cronies will fund their studies in return for sex.

In other news: the most popular government policy announced this month is Kristallnacht, in which Britons are encouraged to call UK Border Agency Brownshirts if they discover their neighbours are “illegal immigrants”. Official government thugs will then be sent round during the night to forcibly remove the illegal persons and bungle them into vans for their detention, physical assault by G4S staff (who, incidentally, are also now responsible for services for victims of rape in the Birmingham and Walsall areas), then deportation.

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Screen shot of an actual Home Office tweet

*Please note that some of this news has been embellished with figments of my imagination.

Modesty begins at home: a lesson from Kate Middleton

26 Sep

Last week, I learnt a valuable lesson from our Great British Highness Kate Middleton, who, in a most unladylike fashion, has been revealing her breasts in public. Although she was technically on private property, her bare chest was within camera-lens-zooming distance of a public road, which, as several media publications have been helpful enough to point out, means that she is complicit in her semi-naked body becoming public property for scrutiny.

Ladies, revealing yourself, or wearing tight, “provocative” clothing, in any place where you could possibly be seen (even if within the boundaries of your own private premises) is not feminine behaviour at all. If you are photographed whilst doing so by a creepy man or a journalist, then you can only blame yourself. Evidence of ladies that have not behaved as they should is often posted on internet websites such as http://creepshots.com/. Creepshots is a masculine place where observant people post pictures of the bottoms, crotches and breasts of unaware lady members of the public. Such websites are useful to women and girls, as they help to encourage us to act and dress in the modest fashion that is best-suited to our sex.

Proper ladies should always ensure that they are covered up. When taking a bath, wear a wet-suit. When you need the toilet, do not lower your drawers, but make use of a nappy. Whilst canoodling in bed with your gentleman friend, use the old hole-in-sheet trick, lest he secretly be filming you. A few simple precautions such as these can go a long way when it comes to maintaining your respectable, lady reputation. If only Kate Middleton had been following my blog before she went to France.

Finally, as a last request before you navigate away from this blog, may I ask that you take a few short moments to close your eyes and reflect on the glory and sanctity of female modesty. Oh, to be a woman, sitting fully clothed in the bath.