Tag Archives: gendered products

50 Shades of Pink Laptops

7 Apr

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Perhaps you have the raw talent to pen a literary masterpiece, much like the one above by yours truly. Perhaps, though, you lack the technical know-how to be able to type up your creations on a standard computer. If this is you, worry not sister, as Fujitsu, Delle and Eurostar have created tablets, e-pads and laptops that are simple enough for even a woman to get the hang of.

First of all, lets check out Eurostar’s E-pad Femme. It may sound like a make of sanitary towel, but in fact it is every woman’s dream. It comes with a whole range of woman-friendly apps pre-downloaded (so that you don’t need to get in a tizzy when you can’t manage to procure them yourself): a tape-measure app, to make sure you aren’t getting too chubby, a cooking app, so you can make your husband a delicious dinner every night and a “woman’s assistant” app, which provides you with weight-loss tips (if you didn’t know it already, YOU’RE FAT). Likewise, technology giant Delle’s for her Della (see what they did there?) website offers tips on calorie counting and cooking.

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E-pad Femme

Although the E-pad Femme comes in a pretty shade of pink, it may not be glamorous enough for every woman. Ladies with a taste for all things diamante may prefer Fujitsu’s latest model. Since females are attracted to shiny things (men, take note and get some pejazzle sorted), Fujitsu has come up with the sinister-sounding Floral Kiss computer, which features bejewelled keys, a power button with a “pearl-like accent,” gold-trimmed casing and “a flip latch that can easily open the display—even by users with long fingernails.Charmed, I’m sure. I have made a note in my Ladydate Diary to buy a Floral Kiss (and hope against hope that no one ever performs one on me). I will then be able to finish my erotic parody 50 Shades of Pink safe in the knowledge that my manicure will not suffer.

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Ladydate Diary, complete with gold-grained cover and gilted edges, so you can keep track of all your ladydates to do ladylike things in style.

Crispello, “a little treat for you”

3 Oct

Here is the text of an email that I have today sent to Mr Toby Smart, Brand Manager of Cadbury at Kraft Foods, in praise of the new Crispello woman-only chocolate bar:

Dear Mr Smart,

I was very excited to read in Yahoo News today of your new, slim-line, woman-only chocolate bar elegantly named Crispello, which, I hear, “will be the perfect little treat for women” since “it contains only 165 calories” (a most attractive format for women according to your spokesman).  Apparently, it will “also appeal to women because it is in three separate portions so they can consume a little at a time rather than in one go” and will include re-sealable packaging for the same reason. I was also interested to read your very own views in The Grocer’s article, in which you claim that other chocolate bars can be “quite intimidating to women” since it is harder to break them into smaller pieces. Crispello, you say, will give women “control”.  I do love empowering chocolate. Who needs feminism when you’ve got Cadbury’s?

As you are no doubt aware, a large proportion of British women suffer from body insecurities and low self-image. How entrepreneurial of Cadbury to use this lamentable fact to your advantage. You re-affirm our body insecurities and encourage more and more women to convert to a calorie-counting way of life with your low-calorie bar and its £7m publicity campaign. Like other stars of the slimming and beauty industries, you make your own market by providing a “solution” to a problem that you yourselves create (low body self-esteem).

Of course, as an ultra-feminine woman, I approve. Women should worry about their weight. Indeed, it is naughty for women to eat chocolate, yet from time to time we do so and afterwards, we invariably become wracked with guilt (I’m glad, therefore, that I can feel less guilty after gorging on the Crispello). If you want my opinion, you should contact the Church and see about making high calorie chocolate an official sin for women. You see, rather like our fore-mother Eve, modern women tend to become overwhelmed with temptation for wretched foodstuffs and we are therefore liable to causing the downfall of humanity if we are not watched over carefully.

It’s so considerate of you to deliver Crispello in a re-sealable pack so that women can enjoy it in small portions over an extended period of time. Previously, when faced with large, chunky chocolate bars such as just-for-men Yorkie, I’ve become upset because the portion size was just too much for my slight, feminine frame to manage in one go. Incidentally, not just Yorkie bars but big, hard, manly things in general have always scared me and I certainly wouldn’t want to chomp on one.

That is all.

Yours sincerely,

Joanna

P.S.  Finally, a question for you. I have assumed the name choice for your product was designed to evoke the sophisticated elegance of a slim Latin woman. With Latin gender pronouns in mind, why Crispello and not Crispella?

P.P.S. Can I use Crispello as a tampon?

“Just for Her” Pens, designed for “a woman’s hand”

31 Aug

Fellow natural women, a word of advice on couteous behaviour. When a powerful corporation creates a product that helps us to be more feminine, it is important to express our gratitude, as this will encourage said corporations to continue inventing further womanly goods. This is just what I have done today, when I discovered BIC Just for Her pens (pictured below). My Thank You letter to BIC can be found below, along with a photograph of my delicate, feminine hand, just waiting to lose its writing virginity upon its first physical union with a woman-friendly pen.

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The feminine product

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The thank you letter that I have sent to BIC

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My feminine hand, as delicate as a Faberge egg