Tag Archives: femininity on holiday

Ensuring femininity on holiday 3

17 Jul

Once again I’m passing my summer in piropolandia (cat-calling land) aka Andalusia, where every young woman’s street harassment dreams come true. Whilst bronzing my bikini body by the pool, I have had the chance to sample the Andalusian edition of ¡Qué Me Dices! (Fancy That!), which is the woman’s Saturday supplement of the catholic right’s newspaper La Razón.

The magazine is a fascinating read on many levels. Perhaps the aspect of  it that most baffles me is the juxtaposition of an advert for a catholic, diamond encrusted gold charm bracelet (complete with one of god’s commandments on each of the ten charms) with three A4 pages of adverts for prostitutes and erotic phone lines.

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One advertisement in particular caught my attention: that for “Lolitas,” implicitly aimed at the Andalusian gentleman for whom the underage partner is preferred. In case there is a need to remind the reader, international laws dictate that a child cannot consensually prostitute her or himself and thereby automatically classes punters who buy sex from children as guilty of rape and paedophilia, and pimps of sexual exploitation. As well as the obvious question as to why there are three pages of prostitute publicity in a woman’s supplement, one also feels compelled to ask Fancy That’s editors: do Catholicism and paedophilia really go well together? Oh.

Fancy That’s most inspiring feature this week is its cover story “The Secret’s of Charlize Theron.” I have photographed this for you below, and highlighted ways in which you can recreate Charlize’s secrets with your own resources at home.

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Remember ladies, “being pretty isn’t easy” so, hell, you better be making an effort

Road test Charlize’s secrets in your very own Laborattoir*

As Fancy That reminds its readers, “being pretty isn’t easy,” but it is implicitly necessary, hence the need to study Charlize’s secrets and apply them to oneself. If you stack up the prices of the products Fancy That says you need if you want to look like Charlize Theron, you will find that the total exceeds €500. Lets remind ourselves of Andalusia’s economic situation. With unemployment at a high of 36.87%, more families made homeless on a daily basis, and food banks becoming a necessity for ever more people, should Fancy That really be spending its existence persuading women that, without expensive products, women will never be as pretty as they ought to be? Well, yes, for beauty in a woman is so vital a quality that it should be your top priority even when you have lost your livelihood and home. So if you don’t have €500 lying around, then why not, just as I have, create your very own home laborattoir for fabricating beauty products? As well as using them yourself, you could also convince your friends that they are in need of such products and flog them for a buck or two. Ideas follow.

FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “phytoserum” to make her breasts “better”, “firmer” and “more volumised”.  NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Kill a wasp and extract its sting. (Watch out girls, here comes “the science bit!” – best get a man to read this then explain it to you slowly…) Your immune system reacts to the wasp venom by sending in blood cells to fight the invading chemicals. The extra blood supply results in swelling. If you rub venom all over your chest your breasts will therefore grow, and it won’t cost you €42 (but you could sell it for that).

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FANCY THAT SAYS: At €83.07, Lift Bras miraculously “tones (Charlize´s) arms, especially the zone below the bicep, which is prone to being flaccid.” NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Add semen to your regular moisturising cream. This will prevent flaccidity, aka chicken wings. If you don’t have a man to hand, any other male mammal can be used.

ImageFANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “Frownies” to stick back the frowns around her forehead and eyes. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: sellotape is cheaper than Frownies, but is basically the same thing.

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I have taped back all the wrinkles on my forehead, yet you can barely see the sellotape. Ten years younger, instantly.

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FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize sprays Eau Sublimatrice/Moisturizing Beauty Water on her legs when wearing dresses or shorts. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Take tap water and place it in a plastic bottle with a perforated lid. As long as you give the water a French or scientific-sounding name, it will make your leg instantly beautiful when sprayed. Unlike other natural resources, water has yet to be fully privatised, so this method is currently free for all.

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Spray Beauty Water on your leg and it will be beautiful, instantly

Enjoy! Before you navigate away from this page, take a final thought from Fancy That!

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“Fancy That” has spotted this famous Spanish actor in the supermarket. The magazine makes the observation, “the actor, interested in vegetables, even went to the extent of touching – without making use of the plastic gloves – the artichokes in the market”. Well,  just fancy that!

*Laborattoir: a laboratory where animals die so you can be beautiful. You might also be interested in Garnier’s “laboratoire” by Mitchell and Webb: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOYCkHFMnVc.

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Ensuring femininity whilst on holiday 2

1 Aug

Once again leafing through the modern day woman’s bible that is Mujer Hoy (Woman Today. See blog post 31st July) I realised that the latino ladies depicted in the magazines – brunette, slender, olive-skinned beauties – were far more feminine than me. Something had to be done. Copying the pensive pose adopted by Woman Today‘s top model and expert in “tropical seduction”, I contemplated what to do.

I found that pouting my lips as if wishing to perform fellatio indeed does help the process of thinking, and I realised that, if I donned a bathing suit along with high heels, make up and excessive jewellery and headwear, I might appear more like a feminine-ideal and attract a moody gentleman such as he with crossed arms in the photo below, taken from Woman Today magazine.

After riding down to the local town centre in this outfit, my very own gentleman friend did indeed appear a little more moody than usual, but sadly he did not find the outfit particularly attractive. Furthermore, I found that trying to ride a motorbike in heels is not particularly practical, and I fear my trip to the village centre in swimming suit and headwear has made me even more of a social pariah amongst the local Andaluz community than I was before. I’m not sure what went wrong. Perhaps I should not have “ridden” the motorbike (leave the driving to the guys, girls), but merely stood beside it and stuck my bum out. That said, Don Francisco, father-in-law of the local Mayor, did ask if I’d like to join his wife and he for a jolly threesome, so maybe the outing was worth it after all.

Ensuring femininity whilst on holiday

31 Jul

Whilst leafing through Saturday’s edition of Ideal, a local Andalusian paper, I chanced upon Ideal’s very own Woman Today magazine. I was very fortunate to do so, since it has been a long time since I have read something so current and relevant to the modern day Western woman. Indeed, as well as an enlightening interview in which I learnt how David Gardy (star of the Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue aftershave advert and top role model for all men) smelt (“If the sensuality of the Mediterranean was a perfume, David Gardy would smell exactly like it.”), the magazine was full of useful insights into how to make myself more perfect. Sitting in the hot sunshine as I was, one article in particular caught my attention and immediately caused me a considerable degree of worry.

In the article, Moncho Moreno (hairdresser, make up artist and proper scientific expert) advised that women should take “extreme care” of their hair during the summer season, since the hair’s “true enemies, like the sun, sea or pool water, sand and repeated washings really are hostile elements, which mean dehydration, lack of shine and hair weakness.” Reading these words, it dawned on me that the hairdresser was right. After a couple of days of abusing my hair with sun, sea, chlorine, sand and repeated shampooings, my hair was in a horrific condition and was so dry that its texture was almost pubic.

Something had to be done, yet I was reluctant to spend €25.50 on the Hydrating Hair Filter Mask recommended by Moreno as the preferred solution to this horrible problem (we are in crisis after all): Therefore, in absence of a parasol, I decided to protect my hair from the sun with an umbrella.

At first, this worked a treat and I was able to continue to read top advice for the modern day woman from Woman Today magazine with a newfound tranquillity. Nevertheless, when I went for a dip, the umbrella proved impractical.

I then thought of simply wearing a hat, but the sand continued to blow in my hair and I would still need to carry out a damaging shampooing session at the end of the day. What to do now?

I contemplated this for a while, and came to the conclusion that there was only one solution. The sun filtering hydration mask for one’s hair is indispensable for any modern day woman who is on holiday, because if your hair is not shiny and soft, you are not really a woman. So, I applied the sun filter, carefully following the hairdresser’s advice to the tee and applying half and hour before exposure to the sun and again after each swim.

Given that I swim 6 times per day (it is very hot in Spain), I used up a whole bottle in one day. So, over my 2 week holiday, I used 14 bottles, which cost €350 or 220% of the weekly equivalent of the average local unemployment benefit (the unemployment rate in Granada, the city of Woman Today’s readership, stands at 36.5%).  But, as Woman Today knows, crisis or no crisis, it was worth it as my hair was looking younger, if not a little crispy. Voila:

However, a final word of warning for the reader who is about to invest in a few bottles of Hydrating Hair Filter Mask, as Woman Today warns, take into account the PAO, or “Period After Opening”, of your product. As soon as  you open the lid of your product, its “Useful Life” will be ticking away, and it “may be contaminated by various causes, such as the actions of microorganisms originating from contact with fingers or the air.” But, not to worry, you can avoid the minefield of PAOs by investing in Lactic Argan Crème, which will only set you back €31.10 a bottle, and comes recommended by Woman Today’s expert, Paloma Calderon, of the Institute of Medical Aesthetics of Madrid and pharmacist Manuel Lopez (also PR Director of a cosmetics company, presumably one that sells Argan). Argan, according to these experts is one of the “stars of the moment”, comes from the Moroccan “Tree of life” and lasts for “over 200 years”. According to Woman Today, you can even use the product on your baby (assuming, firstly, that your baby has hair, and secondly, that she suffers from lack of hair shine, that common worry above all worries for babies).