By Jo and Rosie
When it comes to behaving like a socially acceptable woman, eating should be one of your number one considerations. Historical and geographical context is important, and proper women must always adjust the figures that God gave them in order to match the most fashionable body shape of the day. Lets take a few cases in point. If you were a Natural Woman born in Mali or Western Sahara, you may have eaten sugar-coated balls of camel fat in order to put on weight and come closer to the local (large) idea of feminine beauty. If you were born in Victorian England, the chubby, Botticelli-esque cherub figure was de rigour amongst women of the day. Here in Great British Britain of the noughties, the pre-pubescent look is firmly in vogue and is something that we should all be working towards (unless, of course, you are a man, in which case I recommend that you eat lots of meat, preferably beef – British of course – washed down with protein shakes).
Thin is the new curvy. 11 is the new sweet 16. Skinny is the new hourglass. If you want to be the feminine ideal, and as the advert I received through my letterbox the other day suggests (see below), you probably need to slim down (but be prepared to beef your figure out again next season, should the body shape fashion change).
Thank you Energie gym. I was erring on the side of believing that my bottom was nicely curvy. But no, you were right, it is fat and preventative action must be taken before it gets even larger.
If you can’t afford the surgeon’s knife to correct your overly voluptuous imperfections, then I suggest that you avoid eating, as this is not a feminine activity. There are exceptions, of course. Licking foodstuffs is fine, and can be considered attractive, even provocative (Lolita licking a lollipop is a case in point). Eating salad leaves can also be acceptable as long as you hold your fork in a delicate, feminine fashion.
Look how pretty and feminine she is. Eating salad makes her so happy. You should also feel, or at least look, happy when eating lettuce.
Licking lollipops is always feminine yet, as this photograph illustrates, licking other foodstuffs is also good practice.
Clearly, no feminine woman should ever be seen near McDonalds, all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets, doner kebap vans or any other such places of vice and debauchery. If in doubt as to whether or not your dietary habits are suitably ladylike, consult a middle-aged man from the continent with scientific credentials (real or invented), who will be able to tell you what you should eat. Take the following gentlemen, who have helped millions of women to find their thinspiration through instigating food fascism with their own strict dogmas on what we should and shouldn’t eat and when:
Your faithful Andalusian woman’s magazine “Woman Today” helps to solve yet another woeful dilemma by helping you decide which middle-age frenchman’s diet is best.
Inspired by these middle-aged Greats, these leaders in food regimes, these rulers of women’s body shapes, two feminine natural women, Ravishing Rosie and Jelicious Joanna, have this week been following the rules of some top food fascists and trying out the coolest diets.
The Dukan diet, named after its inventor France’s top nutritionist Dr Pierre Dukan, involves eating excessive spoonfuls of oat bran. Hitherto reserved for horses and mattresses, the fun of oats is championed by Dr Dukan who believes that oat bran embodies “pleasure, flavour (and) enjoyment.” Rather, we found that a diet of oats embodied dryness, insipidity and boredom, which does not necessarily mean that it won’t help you to loose weight.
We considered trialling the Bon Appetit diet with Dr Jean Michel Cohen, since the promise that it allowed you to eat “complex glutens in small quantities” sounded enticing (although I don’t know what it means). However, watching Dr Cohen’s introductory video, (http://www.bon-appetit-diet.com/program-details.asp) his description of the diet experience (“I would also happily like to inform you that the experience will be pleasurable”) sounded somewhat sinister, whilst his explanation of the accompanying exercise regime – “moving a bit more than usual” – sounded underwhelming. We concluded that this was not the diet for us.
The 5:2 diet is the latest eating-regime fad for the “on-trend” eater. Apparently, it makes you live longer, look younger and even avoid Alzheimer’s. All you have to do is fast for two days per week. As Rosie and I have only allowed ourselves a week to test out the entirety of diets profiled on this blog, we will try the 5:2 diet just for a day, gorging for five hours then fasting for two.
This was by far the most pleasurable of the diets, yet we did not manage to loose any weight. Nevertheless, we will be pleased with the long-term outcome of no Alzheimer’s and living longer, and, unless the light is playing tricks on us, we believe we already look a little younger.
Rosie completing the “5” stage of the 5:2 diet
Joanna preparing for the “5” stage of the 5:2 diet (please note that her choice of meal is erroneous and manly, which is certainly not remedied by her choice of ultra-feminine clothing and headgear). All will be washed down with that bottle of Iron-Bru, surely the finest invention of our Scottish neighbours.
Rosie still in the passionate throws of stage 5
Cabbage Soup Diet
As the name suggests, this diet involves eating nothing but cabbage soup. We found the pond-algae green colour far from feminine, and the flatulence that followed was not attractive. We would recommend this diet only if you live alone and do not regularly come into contact with other human beings.
Because catfood is my passion (useful video illustrating how to move in a feminine way): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkFv1KZzyMo.
Lets discuss this video. Eva Longoria is a beautiful and feminine woman, but not as beautiful and feminine as a cat. She has realised that she must be more feline if she is to be truly feminine, and thus she takes the lead from her cat, shadowing its movements, mimicking its facial expressions, drinking its milk. Her cat moves in a smooth, sensual, nay, sexual way. It is aloof, yet looks you in the eye with a desirous expression, as if saying “come on boy”. In a nutshell, this advert reminds us that cats are the ultimate femmes fatales, and we should try to be like them in every way. It is this lesson exactly that has inspired Rosie and myself to invent the Sheba diet. To gain the lithe waist of a cat, you could try eating like one. We tried eating cat food for a day, which resulted in cramps and diarrhoea. In turn, these cat-food-induced stomach issues led to a weight loss of 2 lbs. 2 lbs in one day! Not a bad result. However, if you plan to try the cat food diet at home, please bear in mind the words Dawn Jackson Blatner, a registered dietitian with the American Dietetic Association, who, with cat food in mind, advises, “it’s OK to satisfy the occasional craving, but you shouldn’t make it a staple of your regular diet” (http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2009-02/can-people-safely-eat-cat-food-0).