Tag Archives: david cameron

Benefit scrounging parents to build pyramid for new Royal Overlord

23 Jul

Amid celebrations  for the birth of a new Royal Overlord, David Cameron has called for Britons to support his new Great British Pyramid programme, which will replace the previous Welfare State initiative endorsed by past governments.

Through the programme, peasants who have broken Great British protocol by, for example, seeking support when they are sick, old, with caring responsibilities or without a job will be forced to contribute to the building of a Great British Pyramid in homage to our newly born third-in-line to the throne.  Peasants who refuse to serve their stint pulling ton-heavy stones with old ropes as their only aid will be denied benefits indefinitely. In an interesting twist to this government policy, construction works will be filmed for a new BBC2 television series. Building on the success of previous series such as The Great British Bake Off and The Great British Sewing Bee, The Great British Pyramid will see peasants competing to pull the heaviest weight each day in return for extra working tax credits.

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A DWP mock-up of how the scheme will look in practice

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for the Department of Work and Pensions, said in a statement today, “the Great British Pyramid initiative returns fairness to the benefits system. It gives the taxpayer justice by ensuring that workshy scroungers will no longer get something for nothing.” Other organisations and experts have criticized the Great British Pyramid Scheme, along with wider welfare cuts. Disability Rights groups in particular have struck out at the government over what they see as a war on disabled people, citing the abolition of the Disability Living Allowance and the inhumanity of ATOS work assessments amongst other complaints. Says Mr Cameron,

“if disabled people are fit enough to attend protests against cuts, or indeed to voice their resistance to said cuts via the worldwide web, then they are fit enough to build a pyramid for our future King. However, the government does realise that not all disabled people are fit enough to haul rocks. We therefore plan to use ATOS assessments to refer the less able disabled to other pyramid-related duties, such as making blood and vital organ sacrifices in order to boost the future King’s favour with the Gods.”

According to government aids, the first intake of peasants to work on the Great British Pyramid will be sourced from the scrounger group known as Single Mothers. This group is also to be the worst effected by the wider welfare reform cuts currently hitting the nation. Says Satwat Rehman of One Parent Families Scotland,

“cuts to child benefit, child tax credits, help with childcare costs and most appallingly benefits for expectant mothers could prove to be the tipping point for lone parents and their children already being pushed to the brink by cuts to public services, rising living and childcare costs.”

In the view of feminist Laurie Pennie and other critics of these government policies, such targeting of single mothers by the orchestrators of welfare reform is down to a cruel mixture of sexism and classism. On the other hand, Duncan Smith refutes critics with his assertion that, “if single mothers didn’t want to be homeless, poor and hungry, then they shouldn’t have opened their legs in the first place.” Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, where housing benefit caps are resulting in critical levels of homelessness amongst single mother-led families, says,

“single mothers should go to university to find a husband. If single mothers can’t afford the £9000 per semester fees, as long as they are young and beautiful then they can access finance through the Sugar Baby mechanism, in which anonymous male members of our current parliament and our fat cat corporate cronies will fund their studies in return for sex.

In other news: the most popular government policy announced this month is Kristallnacht, in which Britons are encouraged to call UK Border Agency Brownshirts if they discover their neighbours are “illegal immigrants”. Official government thugs will then be sent round during the night to forcibly remove the illegal persons and bungle them into vans for their detention, physical assault by G4S staff (who, incidentally, are also now responsible for services for victims of rape in the Birmingham and Walsall areas), then deportation.

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Screen shot of an actual Home Office tweet

*Please note that some of this news has been embellished with figments of my imagination.

David Cameron: a style guide

27 Apr

Inspired by a recent 6-page-long analysis of St Margaret Thatcher’s style, “look” and “power dressing”, I have of late been thinking of the way in which we analyse the dressing, grooming and physical appearance of our women politicians. Such focus on their clothes and looks helps to demean the political campaigns and professional activities of such women, which is important since, after all, no country is safe with a female in charge. Instead of seeking power, women should stick to what they do best: sitting pretty and looking sexy for the male population. If women need help and support in this mission, they can consult magazines such as Glamour, which remind women of the ugly, fat, imperfect beings that they are and convince readers of the need to purchase expensive products that aid ladies to look better.

If you are a male politician eager to shepherd the woman vote, you could do worse than to be interviewed by a woman’s fashion mag. After all, despite the fact that David Cameron’s austerity cuts disproportionately affect women and are likely to regress women’s equality, I will still vote for him because, ever since he was interviewed in Glamour and Grazia magazines, he just seems so fashionable and stylish 🙂 (David Cameron has launched a concerted strategy to woo the woman-vote by appearing in misogynistic fashion mags! I know this is old news but I’ve been out of the political loop lately as my focus on the crippling but incredibly successful Gywneth Paltrow No Food Diet  has left me too weak to read newspapers). Anyway, to cut to the chase: all this has called for a Natural Woman exclusive interview with the Prime Minister himself, our very own, real-life, Mr Darcy. Enjoy…

 Natural Woman: Welcome Prime Minister! And yes, girls, he’s just as hot in real life 🙂

Prime Minister: Thank you! It’s a pleasure to be here. Please, call me Dave.

Natural Woman: So, Call Me Dave, what’s your process for grooming every morning?

Call Me Dave: Well, I like to cleanse, tone and moisturise. You see, with all the stress of being Prime Minister, my skin tends to suffer. My forehead in particular gets really dry, especially on PMQ Wednesdays, because the salty sweat I excrete with all the lies and half-truths really agitates the skin.

Anyway, after moisturising, I like to apply foundation. It makes my skin tone nice and even. Then, about 6:30 every morning, my Celebrity Stylist arrives. He’s great – he gives me the perfect, slick comb-over and applies some great hair product to keep the style shiny and in-place all day. I truly believe the comb-over is the best style for today’s Tory gentleman. It’s classy, timeless, perfect for any occasion or workplace, and can be manipulated to suit any face shape – even my famously two-faced Lib Dem colleague Cleggy gets away with it!

Natural Woman: Great – that sounds very thorough! Although, in our view, there is always more you could do to look better… Anyway, with such an in-depth beauty regime, how do you find the time to run the country?

Call Me Dave: Ah well, I’m a lucky man! My wonderful wife SamCam helps me with most of the important decisions. For example, if ever I get Delhi-belly following too much curry post party conference, she helps consult my skid marks the next day. Together, we follow our inner-spirits to help us interpret the telling, sooth-saying shapes on the toilet bowl or my pants, which are sent to us by Dame Thatcher, from beyond the grave. This process always guides the most crucial of my policy decisions, as you can probably tell.

Natural Woman: Inspirational! So, Call Me Dave, do you own a ManBag?

Call Me Dave: Of course! Briefcases just don’t cut the mustard these days. I need a bag with room to hold all my papers, evil plans to exterminate Britain’s underclass, my gym clothes (it’s really important for me to keep in shape, especially since SamCam and I have got a holiday coming up) and my diary, so that I can keep track of my appointments for drinkypoos with George.

So anyway, the manbag is bang on trend yet still looks great paired with my vintage two-piece suits. Oh, and the full-grain leather shell feels just wonderful against my skin if I’ve decided to flash a little flesh 😉

Natural Woman: I can imagine…

Call Me Dave: Calm down dear 😉

Natural Woman: Cheeky! Call Me Dave, you’re a hoot! I’m so voting for you in the next election 🙂

 Gallery of Call Me Dave’s Five Key Looks for Summer

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Call Me Dave gets down with the plebs by ruffling his hair and bravely going tieless. Booyakasha!

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Call Me Dave wooing the woman-vote with this dashing, Hugh-Grantesque look. This pic was taken during Dave’s days at the Bullingdon club, a members-only gathering for the rich and posh with a penchant for partaking in arson (not the good kind!) now and then.

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Dave teasingly leaves a few buttons open… strip-tease sexy… or perhaps the belly roles indicate that Dave’s let himself go of late – Could it be the trauma of the breakdown in his relationship with Cleggy? Watch Made in Chelsea, which has kindly sponsored this article, to find out.

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Dave attempting to get his body beach-ready (Natural Woman has sold this photograph to Heat magazine, where Call Me Dave will deservedly be ripped to pieces for daring to look so ugly in public).

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By creating a Slim silhouette with his soft-shouldered jacket and clean lines, Call Me Dave managed to persuade two common people to perform a Bullingdon sándwich. Tragically, he broke the spell by farting.

How to make him love you: top tips from women’s magazines

22 Nov

Look at the redhead on the front of this week’s TV Choice magazine. Look at her expression of barely-masked grief at the pain of unrequited love. Many of us have asked the question that’s on her mind countless times before: darling, why don’t you love me? I would say that he probably doesn’t love you because of your innumerable physical and behavioural flaws. Nevertheless, there are ways to make him love you, and I will reveal them today.

I must admit that I have had to draw heavily from trusted secondary sources in putting together the guidance that you will find below. In particular, my gratitude goes out to Cosmopolitan magazine, that pillar of enlightened modern femininity, and therulesrevisited.com website (thank you Naomi for making me aware of this gem), written by, in his own words, a “ridiculously good looking, extremely intelligent” young man, which has a whole range of tips on how women can better their looks and behaviour in order to attract a mate.

As they say, practice makes perfect. I have therefore decided to trial some top tips selected from the best of The Rules Revisited and Cosmopolitan in the worthy endeavour of trying to woo my latest crush, BBC4’s fictional character, Inspector Montalbano, who can be spotted starring in his own series anytime you like on BBC Iplayer.

Mr Montalbano, why don’t you love me?

Spend 75% of your day staring at him

Says Cosmo,

“locking eyes with a guy doesn’t just tell him you’re interested, it can even make him feel like he’s falling in love with you … A study by Zick Rubin, former associate professor at Harvard University, US, found that lovers spent 75% of their time looking at each other … By encouraging him to gaze into your eyes by maintaining eye contact with him, you can lead his brain towards the idea of love. “The last time he stared into someone eyes for long periods of time, he was in love,” says sexpert Dr Pam Spurr … “So in theory, that could trigger his brain to recall feelings of love again”” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Biting logic there from Cosmo’s “sexpert” Dr Spurr. As advised, I have spent 75% of my day, that’s 12 of my waking hours, staring at Inspector Montalbano on screen, yet I’m not sure that he’s in love with me yet. Is it because he’s not looking directly at the camera? Will he arrest me for sexual harassment? What to do?

“Pretend you need him”

Cosmo has enlisted the brainpower of Dr Ian Kerner, the author of such seminal works as Overcoming Premature Ejaculation and Passionista: the Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring her Man, for this one:

““In this day and age when women are fiercely independent, a man can feel less able to give her what she needs – other than sex, what does he have to offer?” says Kerner. “So by relying on him a little – and letting him rely on you too – you’re allowing the bond between you to deepen. A good step towards falling in love.”” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

As Cosmo points out, I am not sure that Inspector Montalbano can offer much more than his insatiable virility. But, advises Cosmo, he will not fall in love with me if he thinks that. I have therefore emailed him to let him know that I require his help in solving a criminal case in which I am embroiled (solving mysteries is what he does best): someone in the office at work has stolen my mug and I simply cannot bring the culprit to justice without his assistance. I hope, whilst he inspects our work kitchen with yours truly looking needy and vulnerable in the corner, Montalbano will fall head over heels for me.

“Feed him grapes”

According to Cosmo, if you want a man to love you, “feed him grapes”. But “a steak sandwich or baguette with fried onion or mushroom toppings” along with “an ice cold beer” are also viable options for the lady looking to hook a husband. (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Do not show too much decolletage…or do…?

Says Cosmo, “take off the low-cut crop top … swap it for a contour-hugging top, by all means, but just go easy on how much flesh is on show” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips). This is confusing, since, according to The Rules Revisited, “the more a woman dresses like a s***, the more attractive she is” (apologies for the editing out words here, but there are some words used by The Rules author that are so desperately offensive that I cannot even bear to type them). Says The Rules, as long as we “act like good girls”, we are still more likely to find a husband if we “dress like a w****”. What to do? What will Inspector Montalbano prefer? More clothes or less? (From The Rules How to get the Right Kind of Attention article).

Date someone “below you league”

Says Cosmo, “get a date, but make sure it’s with someone several leagues below you in terms of attractiveness … it’ll provide you with invaluable experience of how not to behave like a desperado during a date.” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips).

It is hard to say who is below and above me on the attractiveness scale (see The Rules for more on the ten point scale: ten point scale of attractiveness) but I sincerely hope I fall above our cherished leader David Cameron. Assuming that he is, in fact, below me on the scale, then, according to Cosmo, he would be a good target for a date whilst I’m trying to get experience in not acting desperate around Inspector Montalbano.

I have today written to Mr Cameron to ask him to take me for a drink sometime (I hear he’s partial to a whiskey now and then, especially whilst on UK Trade and Investment “missions” to visit the Saudi royals). I await a reply.

Try to look like him and copy his facial expressions

Says Cosmo and their “sexpert” Dr Spurr,

“We may not realise it, but we have a natural tendency to go for people who not only have similar interests and backgrounds to us, but also use similar facial expressions,” says Spurr. Researchers at the University of Liverpool found that we’re more likely to go for people who look similar to us” (from Cosmo UK’s 12 steps to make him fall in love with you).

Since I am now attempting to woo David Cameron (following Cosmo’s advice to date someone below my league in order to get experience for a later date with my target, Montalbano), I have been attempting to look, act and speak like our Prime Minister. This has also been a useful exercise for another reason: I know what our lovechild will look like, should David and I produce one.

Don’t have sex on the first date

Of course, when I do get a date with David Cameron, I will try my utmost to resist his passionate advances, since, if he thinks as The Rules Revisited suggests men do, he will be happy to make love to me but will consequently not wish to pursue a relationship with me due to my evident loose morals. Hypocritical of him? Yes, it would be. But men who maintain sexist double standards are surely the most desirable for natural women since they will encourage us in our mission to always to act in accordance with our strictly assigned gender role. (From The Rules, don’t f*** on a first date).

Put minty lip balm on your breasts

Says Cosmo, to entice your man, all you need to do is “trace your nipples with minty lip balm”. What an excellent idea. I will save this for when I am invited for dinner on Inspector Montalbano’s seaside veranda, or a meeting at Number 10. (From Cosmo’s 25 ways to be boobilicious). On another note, this tip also works well if your breasts have been eating garlic.

 Ignore him

Says Cosmo, “if you see a guy you like and he’s with a couple of other guys you know, say hello the others first (sic.). If you can, make out as though you haven’t noticed him, then suddenly give him a really warm smile hello (sic).” (From Cosmo’s Don’t be desperate tips).

I am going now. I need time to practice my “warm smile hello” in the mirror. They will love me. All of them.