Proper women are highly skilled in grooming themselves in accordance with the latest fashions of the day. Like real-life fembots we systematically pluck, wax, trim, dilapidate and laser ourselves to make sure we are bald on all the right patches of our skin. On the other hand, we must grow our hair on some patches of our bodies, and if our locks are not long and smooth enough, we should, of course, extend them with man-made (or poor people’s) hair.
Yesterday, whilst changing clothes before departing for a rare trip to the public baths, I glanced in the mirror and froze in horror at the sight of my poorly pruned privates. Imagine the scene of mass, fear-fueled exodus from the pool by my fellow swimmers were they to spot a stray pube protruding from underneath my costume. This is a probable scenario, since women’s natural bodies are disgusting, and if you wish to be a socially acceptable lady, you must take measures to disguise your numerous hair imperfections. If you fail to do so, you risk Heat magazine journalists zooming in on the ugly parts of your body and printing the images in their weekly publication for their British female readership to devour and ridicule. With this in mind, I decided to apply hair removal cream to my bikini line. The problem was that the mixture, which uses a combination of chemicals to burn away your hair, smelt horribly of rotten eggs and left an unsightly and sore rash of red pimples all over my tender lady’s area. As such, the swimming trip was abruptly cancelled.
And so arises my dilemma. How can one employ a pricey product (and thus maintain our revered beauty industry) to make the hair of my lady area more socially acceptable? As always, after a few hours of intense and laborious thought, I came up with a solution: pubic hair extensions! Why not? If attaching someone else’s long hair to your head is feminine, surely it is so for your bikini area.
Below you can observe a picture of Yours Truly modeling the new bikini line style at home.
In addition to the extensions, I have happily discovered a new lady-area related hobby. Thanks to Cosmopolitan, the magazine for endless tips on how to pleasure your man, I have discovered the oracle of femininity, the more attractive sister of Vajazzle, the pinnacle of womanly prettiness. I have discovered pubic hair stencils.
What fun I’ve had shaping my pubic hair into heart shapes! My bikini area looks fabulous and feels happy, so thanks Cosmo magazine! Yet, in addition to the stencil shapes provided by Cosmo, you should be creative and try new ideas. How about a Playboy bunny shape? Or, if in a catholic country, try a crucifix? Why not embrace the Great British Jubolympic spirit and stencil a portrait of Elizabeth Regina onto your bikini area? You could then justify christening your front bottom with a sophisticated, even regal, pet name: it could be your Queen Elizabeth Vagina, and all its loyal subjects would be bound to serve it until death. What more can I say? Ma’am, it’s such fun to be a socially acceptable woman.