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Tanuary: Spanish politicians go orange for anti-choice

21 Dec

The Spanish People’s Party (PP) have launched a nationwide campaign to increase popular support for the laws that bid women to seek unsafe, illegal and underground terminations.

The legal changes announced last Friday make abortion illegal accept in the case of rape, malformed foetus or potential damage to the pregnant woman’s health. In an attempt to reverse the poll results that find 81% of Spaniards against the reforms, and following in the footsteps of other cringeworthy but popular Anglophone campaigns such as STOPtober and Movember, the ruling PP party will be setting off the new year with a campaign officially named Tanuary.

Tanuary will see high-profile members of the Spanish government wearing fake tan for the entire month of January in an attempt to celebrate anti-choice. Spanish citizens are encouraged to show their support by doing likewise, or, if already bronzed, by donating to the PP’s charitable welfare fund for party members who have not been lucky enough to benefit financially from the Barcenas slush fund scandal. However, plans for further animating mass citizen support via marches complete with placards painted with the slogan “Orange for (the state’s control of) Ovaries” have been cancelled since the expression of political opinions in public is now illegal.

PP members are excited to attend the spray tan shop on mass

PP members are excited to attend the spray tan salon on mass

Commenting on the campaign, President of the Spanish Government Mariano Rajoy said, “the Spanish taxpayer will be treating me to Christmas in Bermuda, which will give me the opportunity to get brown ready for Tanuary. This is a great opportunity for the people of Spain to rally around our national anti-choice principles and fascist heritage, and anyone who says otherwise can f*** the f*** off and pay a fine of €30,000.”

Rajoy takes a “selfie” whilst preparing for Tanuary

The head of Spain’s Catholic Church, Cardinal Antonio Maria Rouco Varela, commented, “we are pleased with the reforms, but feel that the government’s pro-life stance should go further and incorporate the prohibition of male mastubation. Each time a man ejaculates outside of his wife’s body, millions of potential lives are ended. It is literally murder and quite ungodly, whilst having little to do with a man’s right to control his own body.”

The government has not announced any plans for socioeconomic safety nets for financially vulnerable women forced to give birth against their will.

Benefit scrounging parents to build pyramid for new Royal Overlord

23 Jul

Amid celebrations  for the birth of a new Royal Overlord, David Cameron has called for Britons to support his new Great British Pyramid programme, which will replace the previous Welfare State initiative endorsed by past governments.

Through the programme, peasants who have broken Great British protocol by, for example, seeking support when they are sick, old, with caring responsibilities or without a job will be forced to contribute to the building of a Great British Pyramid in homage to our newly born third-in-line to the throne.  Peasants who refuse to serve their stint pulling ton-heavy stones with old ropes as their only aid will be denied benefits indefinitely. In an interesting twist to this government policy, construction works will be filmed for a new BBC2 television series. Building on the success of previous series such as The Great British Bake Off and The Great British Sewing Bee, The Great British Pyramid will see peasants competing to pull the heaviest weight each day in return for extra working tax credits.

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A DWP mock-up of how the scheme will look in practice

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for the Department of Work and Pensions, said in a statement today, “the Great British Pyramid initiative returns fairness to the benefits system. It gives the taxpayer justice by ensuring that workshy scroungers will no longer get something for nothing.” Other organisations and experts have criticized the Great British Pyramid Scheme, along with wider welfare cuts. Disability Rights groups in particular have struck out at the government over what they see as a war on disabled people, citing the abolition of the Disability Living Allowance and the inhumanity of ATOS work assessments amongst other complaints. Says Mr Cameron,

“if disabled people are fit enough to attend protests against cuts, or indeed to voice their resistance to said cuts via the worldwide web, then they are fit enough to build a pyramid for our future King. However, the government does realise that not all disabled people are fit enough to haul rocks. We therefore plan to use ATOS assessments to refer the less able disabled to other pyramid-related duties, such as making blood and vital organ sacrifices in order to boost the future King’s favour with the Gods.”

According to government aids, the first intake of peasants to work on the Great British Pyramid will be sourced from the scrounger group known as Single Mothers. This group is also to be the worst effected by the wider welfare reform cuts currently hitting the nation. Says Satwat Rehman of One Parent Families Scotland,

“cuts to child benefit, child tax credits, help with childcare costs and most appallingly benefits for expectant mothers could prove to be the tipping point for lone parents and their children already being pushed to the brink by cuts to public services, rising living and childcare costs.”

In the view of feminist Laurie Pennie and other critics of these government policies, such targeting of single mothers by the orchestrators of welfare reform is down to a cruel mixture of sexism and classism. On the other hand, Duncan Smith refutes critics with his assertion that, “if single mothers didn’t want to be homeless, poor and hungry, then they shouldn’t have opened their legs in the first place.” Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, where housing benefit caps are resulting in critical levels of homelessness amongst single mother-led families, says,

“single mothers should go to university to find a husband. If single mothers can’t afford the £9000 per semester fees, as long as they are young and beautiful then they can access finance through the Sugar Baby mechanism, in which anonymous male members of our current parliament and our fat cat corporate cronies will fund their studies in return for sex.

In other news: the most popular government policy announced this month is Kristallnacht, in which Britons are encouraged to call UK Border Agency Brownshirts if they discover their neighbours are “illegal immigrants”. Official government thugs will then be sent round during the night to forcibly remove the illegal persons and bungle them into vans for their detention, physical assault by G4S staff (who, incidentally, are also now responsible for services for victims of rape in the Birmingham and Walsall areas), then deportation.

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Screen shot of an actual Home Office tweet

*Please note that some of this news has been embellished with figments of my imagination.

Liberal Democrat party riddled with Phantom Hands Syndrome*

1 Jul

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrat party has confirmed today at a press conference that the majority of the group’s female members and party activists suffer from the highly contagious phenomenon of Phantom Hands Syndrome.

The Syndrome, first discovered by Faith Healer George Boak, 70, of Lightcliffe, West Yorkshire, causes victims to imagine that they are being molested. Boak encountered the disease amongst several of his female patients, who, due to their condition, accused him of indecent assault.

Says Clegg, who had previously been criticised for initially pretending he knew nothing of the complaints, later admitting that he had ignored several party activists’ accusations of sexual harassment by Lord Rennard and finally attempted to banalise the allegations by referring to them as “unwanted attention” rather than sexual molestation, “during the twenty years that accusations were made against Lord Rennard, there was also a two decade bout of Phantom Hands amongst all our female party members. This was not a coincidence. A separate investigation into the specific allegations about Lord Rennard will take place under our disciplinary procedure. All women involved in the accusations will be disciplined and will then step down from their posts for health reasons. There is therefore no need for any Liberal Democrats to attend diversity training.

According, A4EG4S, the health organisation previously known as the NHS, “Phantom Hands is a syndrome caused by sensations that originate in the spinal cord and brain. It is most common amongst women who come into contact with chauvinistic men. It can be treated by repeatedly undermining and ridiculing the patient until she realises that she is a hysterical, lying, attention-seeking lunatic.”

On the Rennard incident, a feminist organisation commented, “sexual harassment serves to remind women that our role as a sex object will always trump any other qualities we possess and therefore we can never be on equal terms with men who also possess those qualities – be they political skills, sporting prowess or the ability to stand on a stage and make others laugh. We can always be put back in our rightful place with an unwanted, insistent brush of the thigh or an invitation to have sex with a man who holds the keys to the hatch in the glass ceiling” (quote from The F-Word.com).

Several expert commentators have suggested that self-identification as feminist and Phantom Hands syndrome may be linked.

*Please note that this news is made up by me.