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Fight Father Time with the Cat Litter Facial

1 Feb

As posters from the recent Hollywood blockbuster “The Counsellor” remind us, scars, wrinkles and other signs of ageing are unacceptable in women and yet add character to men. Signs of aging make a man more distinguished, rugged if you like. His stray greys make him a silver fox. He seems more worldly and mysterious. Like a mature whiskey aged in a highland oak barrel, the older man is all the more delectable. On the other hand, a woman must avoid ageing as it will always make her less attractive. No one wants to date a haggard old spinster. Less still do they want to hear a mad old bat attempt to speak with authority. As women age, they become non-people. Their worth has an expiry date.  Older women become disposable, whilst older men are generally seen to have acquired wisdom, authority and experience through their years.

Of course, these sexist and ageist stereotypes are the foundation that holds up the $88 billion anti-ageing industry. Since women’s physical appearance is attached to their social, cultural and economic worth in a way that isn’t true for men, the former are encouraged to spend a sizeable portion of their budgets on looking younger not just by body-dismorphia-enducing advertising campaigns, but also by cultural bodies and the economy. That is why only 18% of TV presenters aged over 50 are women and why older women are the segment of the population hardest hit by the cuts.

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

So natural woman, if you want to remain a person with worth, you must disguise your humanity from the world and ensure you stay eternally youthful. But we are in crisis and anti-ageing treatments are so expensive. I can’t afford to launch war on Old Father Time and fight the natural changes of my hateful face. In Lenin’s words, what is to be done? Internet beauty bloggers (and the Daily Mail) have an answer: the Cat Litter facial! You, like I did, can try it at home…

Step 1) Learn to recognise that your ageing face is repugnant and needs immediate correction. Women’s mags or the telly can provide inspiration  (Heat magazine’s “Face Watch” column is particularly effective).

Step 2) Buy some cat litter from your local supermarket. Or, if you don’t want to fork out, just scoop up the remnants of your cat’s litter tray, making sure you scrape out any bits of poo before moving on to step 3.

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Step 3) Grind down the pellets of litter in a pestle and mortar until they form a smooth texture. Mix with Evian-branded water. You’ll be impressed by the professional finish that this gives.

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Step 4) Cook your mask slowly in a bain marie. The bain marie ensures a gentle and uniform heat throughout the mask. Microwaving the mask risks too much heat: you don’t want scold your skin with hot shit.

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Step 5) Apply to the face and leave for 15 minutes. Make sure you don’t lie down near your cat. You might find, like I did, that the mask gives off a Gruyere cheese scent as it dries. Wash off cat litter.

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Step 6)  Admire your younger looking face. Voila! Check me out! Post cat-litter facial and my face is as smooth as a newly tarmacked road! Unfortunately, if it doesn’t work for you, it’s time to save up for a trip to the needle farm.

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P.S. Not everyone recommends the cat litter facial. Cosmopolitan magazine, for example, insists that it is not advisable and is probably dangerous. Cosmo bases this view on the advice of their expert, a representative of the American chain beauty salon Sine Qua Non, which happens to be one of the magazine’s numerous sponsors. The beauty rep advises the reader to stick to her salon’s own, much superior brand of “Hungarian-sourced” bentonite clay, which is definitely very different from the bentonite clay used in cat litter. What’s more, her salon will put this clay on your face and rub it in using a soothing motion for just $118! You could also try the bird poo facial for $215.

Danger! Un-vagisiled Intimate Area

26 Nov
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The Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO) has issued a travel advisory for this intimate area. Anyone who penetrates the area risks contact with thousands of sweat glands and potential kidnap by radicalised groups of unwaxed hairs.

As has been discussed elsewhere on the Capitalist Beauty tag and by Caroline Criado-Perez, the beauty industry has a water-tight business model: it feeds on women’s insecurities about our bodies (our vulnerability stems from the fact that we are taught, from girlhood, that our self-worth is inextricably linked to our ability to mimic constructed notions of beauty and physical attractiveness) by convincing us that we are repulsive. Then, it sells us back the “solutions.” That is, solutions to problems that wouldn’t exist at all if it wasn’t for the beauty industry in the first place.

The most repugnant part of a woman’s body, according to the beauty industry, is her vagina. Apologies! Even the word itself is too offensive to say! Therefore, for the rest of this article I shall follow the beauty industry’s preferred lingo and refer to a woman’s sexual organs as her intimate area.*

There is already a whole array of products and surgical procedures to make our intimate areas seem more pubescent, whiter and tighter. Now, as a TV advertisement informed me the other evening, we should now also be using Vagisil, which, as far as I understand, is a type of Febreze for fannies. According to the advert, although a sweaty “odour” is entirely “normal” in a lady’s intimate area, she should nevertheless be so embarrassed by the fact that her area sweats that she should hide behind a houseplant.** Yet, scenting her intimate area with Vagisil products will “give her the confidence” to kick over the houseplant and brave the social world again. Presumably, this is the capitalist version of women’s empowerment.

Eve was forced to hide behind a fig leaf because she had no Vagisil (and God hadn't invented houseplants in those days)

Eve was forced to hide behind a fig leaf because she had no Vagisil (and God hadn’t invented houseplants in those days)

But gosh! It had never occurred to me that my intimate area shouldn’t be sweating. If  – as the beauty industry tells me – my intimate area should be febreezed, lighter-coloured, labia-free, more symmetrical, tighter, hairless and so on, would it not just be easier to have the entire area removed? Or perhaps we should just glue the lips together with special Vagisil sealant, so that the intimate area would at least stop secreting disgusting fluids such as menstrual blood?

Frankly, by shouting, as they do, “WOMAN, YOUR VAGINA IS DISGUSTING,” Vagisil and the rest of the so-called “intimate health” industry are guilty of profound misogynism and they call for us to collaborate them: they wish for us to hate our intimate areas and to heap shame on other women who don’t. I have spoken to my own intimate area about this, and she is very angry. She is not taking it lying down (although she often does). This intimate area says V is for Vendetta, as well as for Vagina, and she is planning revenge on Vagisil. She has yet to decide what form the vengeance will take, but it will probably involve sending one of the following to the Vagisil office: the Order of the Lady Finger, an old pair of un-febrezed pants, or some artwork formed of vagina prints. Further suggestions welcome.

*Note that this turn of phrase is the clinical and character-free linguistic equivalent of magnolia paint, which is a shame given that the vagina is a source of pleasure and babies. If only the beauty industry used “fun tunnel” or “mother of all souls,” which, I’m sure you’d agree, are nicer substitutes for “vagina”. 

** If you really must follow the advert’s advice, could I suggest you choose the marijuana as your refuge of choice. It may help you to put things into perspective.

Have a HOT Halloween

31 Oct

In those bygone, dark days before I began trying in earnest to be a proper woman, I used to believe that I should dress sexily only when I wanted to.* But alas, I was wrong! It seems women, teenagers and girls should dress in a way that men find sexually appealing at all times. This is especially true on Halloween, when, increasingly, the only costumes available to women are sexy ones. Being sexy is compulsory. If men should look ghoulish on Halloween, women should be sexy and ghoulish.

Now that the need to be sexy is clear, it is time to plan your outfit. For those of you that are in a hysterical, female tizzy about what to wear for this weekend’s Halloween parties, kindly stop your fretting at once, for I have developed a short guide to your options:

1)    Go for the traditional sexy scary look. For example, copy my ghost outfit, pictured below, in which scary has become irresistibly sexy by wearing a bra on the outside.

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Thanks to the “Venus from Mars” blog for this costume idea

2)    Dress up as a traditional Halloween object or animal. Why not dress as a Playboy Pumpkin? Just cover yourself in fake tan and wear bunny ears. TOP TIP: The Playboy Pumpkin look can also be recreated on non-Halloween days. Why not give the guys a a treat and try wearing it to the office one day?

3)    In the USA, and increasingly in the UK, it doesn’t matter if your costume isn’t related to Halloween. Any fancy dress will do, as long as it is sexy. Indeed, Cosmopolitan has plenty of unusual and, in their words, “slutty” (in everyone else’s words “brazenly racist”) ideas for Halloween this year: No.1 on their list is designed especially for women of Asian ethnicity: a sexy Mail-Order Bride! Or, why not poke fun at Native American culture and dress as a Pocohottie?

4)    Typically female professions are always a good source of sexy Halloween inspiration (think sexy Nurse or sexy Secretary). In the context of the economic crisis, female poverty can provide extra ideas for all you hot partygoers. Why not try sexy underemployed, underpaid Office Temp, sexy full-time Carer, or a Sexy Office Worker (thanks Heather for the link)? I have gone for a sexy Unpaid Domestic Labourer, wearing nothing but underwear beneath my apron and making use of a mop as a poledance accessory.

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Admittedly, this outfit would have worked better if the apron was shorter, my tights were fishnet and my feet were clad in stilettos. But I’m just an amateur woman.

*Speaking seriously, the idea that young women can freely choose or meaningfully decide to dress sexily is flawed, given that we live under the pressure of a patriarchal marketing machine, which tells girls to look sexually available to men at all times. With this post, I do not mean to criticise women and girls who choose to dress in a sexy fashion, but to call out the marketing campaigns and industries which make it near impossible for women to negotiate our own choices about how we dress and express our sexualities.

Merida gets a “bikini body”

16 May

Aspiring, feminine, natural women, did you know that you aren’t a proper woman unless you undertake an annual ritual to obtain a “bikini body” ahead of the summer months? No? Well fear not, for today we shall be tapping into the wisdom of Merida, star of Brave, who has successfully – well, almost successfully – made her body “beach ready” just in time for a trip to California where she will be crowned as Disney’s newest princess. Follow her process and you too could look vaguely acceptable during the two hours of summer that are forecast for Britain this year:

1)   Merida underwent the Smell Diet – that’s the one in which you can smell as much food as you want, as long as you don’t eat any – to slim her waist down until it measured no more than the circumference of her neck.

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Merida before and after getting her body “beach ready”

2)   Merida, despite being a teenager, acquired all-important breast implants, because if your boobs aren’t large, pert and symmetrical enough, you most certainly aren’t “bikini ready.”

3)   Merida had her offensively frizzy hair tamed and her face made-over using a cocktail of overpriced beauty products in order to make her overall image more alluring. She then ditched her bow and arrow (sporting skills are such a turn-off in girls) and covered her simple Highland dress in diamante sparkles, because all young ladies like nothing more than to shine.

What did Merida forget? Her self-tan of course! Silly girl. Her pale skin gives her an ill look, which will surely offend the eye when she arrives at the beach. Due to Merida’s neglect of this essential step in the bikini-body process, it is impossible to publish a photograph of her in swimming attire. If you forget any steps whilst trying to get beach-ready, I advise that you keep your body fully covered else you put your fellow holidaymakers off their low-fat ice creams. Sceptical? You shouldn’t be. Just ask Samantha Brick.

Brenda Chapman, Merida’s creator, described the character’s makeover, in which Merida was given rounder eyes, less frizzy hair, lipstick and a thinner waist ready for her addition to Disney’s collection of princesses, as “horrible”, “a blatantly sexist marketing move based on money,” adding that “Disney marketing and the powers that be that allow them to do such things should be ashamed of themselves.” Chapman explained that she had created Merida in order to break the mould of the typical beautiful but vapid Disney princess, “to give young girls a better, stronger role model, a more attainable role model, something of substance, not just a pretty face that waits around for romance.” However, thanks to pressure from campaigners like Chapman, plus a petition signed by over 200,000 created by the website A Mighty Girl, Disney have been forced to do a U-Turn. The original, pre-glamourous make-over Merida has now taken her throne in the Disney Princess hall of fame,  although some merchandise still includes the sexed-up image.

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As Jezebel has pointed out, Merida isn’t the first Disney Princess to get a makeover. Check out Tiana (pictured here after and before) from the Princess and The Frog (Disney’s one and only African American princess) who received a nose job before being used to sell merchandise.

David Cameron: a style guide

27 Apr

Inspired by a recent 6-page-long analysis of St Margaret Thatcher’s style, “look” and “power dressing”, I have of late been thinking of the way in which we analyse the dressing, grooming and physical appearance of our women politicians. Such focus on their clothes and looks helps to demean the political campaigns and professional activities of such women, which is important since, after all, no country is safe with a female in charge. Instead of seeking power, women should stick to what they do best: sitting pretty and looking sexy for the male population. If women need help and support in this mission, they can consult magazines such as Glamour, which remind women of the ugly, fat, imperfect beings that they are and convince readers of the need to purchase expensive products that aid ladies to look better.

If you are a male politician eager to shepherd the woman vote, you could do worse than to be interviewed by a woman’s fashion mag. After all, despite the fact that David Cameron’s austerity cuts disproportionately affect women and are likely to regress women’s equality, I will still vote for him because, ever since he was interviewed in Glamour and Grazia magazines, he just seems so fashionable and stylish 🙂 (David Cameron has launched a concerted strategy to woo the woman-vote by appearing in misogynistic fashion mags! I know this is old news but I’ve been out of the political loop lately as my focus on the crippling but incredibly successful Gywneth Paltrow No Food Diet  has left me too weak to read newspapers). Anyway, to cut to the chase: all this has called for a Natural Woman exclusive interview with the Prime Minister himself, our very own, real-life, Mr Darcy. Enjoy…

 Natural Woman: Welcome Prime Minister! And yes, girls, he’s just as hot in real life 🙂

Prime Minister: Thank you! It’s a pleasure to be here. Please, call me Dave.

Natural Woman: So, Call Me Dave, what’s your process for grooming every morning?

Call Me Dave: Well, I like to cleanse, tone and moisturise. You see, with all the stress of being Prime Minister, my skin tends to suffer. My forehead in particular gets really dry, especially on PMQ Wednesdays, because the salty sweat I excrete with all the lies and half-truths really agitates the skin.

Anyway, after moisturising, I like to apply foundation. It makes my skin tone nice and even. Then, about 6:30 every morning, my Celebrity Stylist arrives. He’s great – he gives me the perfect, slick comb-over and applies some great hair product to keep the style shiny and in-place all day. I truly believe the comb-over is the best style for today’s Tory gentleman. It’s classy, timeless, perfect for any occasion or workplace, and can be manipulated to suit any face shape – even my famously two-faced Lib Dem colleague Cleggy gets away with it!

Natural Woman: Great – that sounds very thorough! Although, in our view, there is always more you could do to look better… Anyway, with such an in-depth beauty regime, how do you find the time to run the country?

Call Me Dave: Ah well, I’m a lucky man! My wonderful wife SamCam helps me with most of the important decisions. For example, if ever I get Delhi-belly following too much curry post party conference, she helps consult my skid marks the next day. Together, we follow our inner-spirits to help us interpret the telling, sooth-saying shapes on the toilet bowl or my pants, which are sent to us by Dame Thatcher, from beyond the grave. This process always guides the most crucial of my policy decisions, as you can probably tell.

Natural Woman: Inspirational! So, Call Me Dave, do you own a ManBag?

Call Me Dave: Of course! Briefcases just don’t cut the mustard these days. I need a bag with room to hold all my papers, evil plans to exterminate Britain’s underclass, my gym clothes (it’s really important for me to keep in shape, especially since SamCam and I have got a holiday coming up) and my diary, so that I can keep track of my appointments for drinkypoos with George.

So anyway, the manbag is bang on trend yet still looks great paired with my vintage two-piece suits. Oh, and the full-grain leather shell feels just wonderful against my skin if I’ve decided to flash a little flesh 😉

Natural Woman: I can imagine…

Call Me Dave: Calm down dear 😉

Natural Woman: Cheeky! Call Me Dave, you’re a hoot! I’m so voting for you in the next election 🙂

 Gallery of Call Me Dave’s Five Key Looks for Summer

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Call Me Dave gets down with the plebs by ruffling his hair and bravely going tieless. Booyakasha!

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Call Me Dave wooing the woman-vote with this dashing, Hugh-Grantesque look. This pic was taken during Dave’s days at the Bullingdon club, a members-only gathering for the rich and posh with a penchant for partaking in arson (not the good kind!) now and then.

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Dave teasingly leaves a few buttons open… strip-tease sexy… or perhaps the belly roles indicate that Dave’s let himself go of late – Could it be the trauma of the breakdown in his relationship with Cleggy? Watch Made in Chelsea, which has kindly sponsored this article, to find out.

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Dave attempting to get his body beach-ready (Natural Woman has sold this photograph to Heat magazine, where Call Me Dave will deservedly be ripped to pieces for daring to look so ugly in public).

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By creating a Slim silhouette with his soft-shouldered jacket and clean lines, Call Me Dave managed to persuade two common people to perform a Bullingdon sándwich. Tragically, he broke the spell by farting.

The pathologisation of women’s bodies: make your vagina “nice and tidy”

6 Mar

As thousands of British women are increasingly realising, most vaginas are disgusting in their natural state. If you want to be a proper woman, you had better tidy yours up and make it look as much like Barbie’s as possible: smooth, hairless, flat, and preferably plastic. You see, variations in the appearance of women’s intimate anatomy are not, as you may have previously thought, natural. Rather, they are downright pathological.

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As top Labioplaster (that is, plastic surgeon specializing in improving the aesthetics of vaginas by chopping off the labia) Dr Stern explains on his labiaplast site, women with “large and asymmetrical labia” can experience “severe embarrassment” should they ever be able to find a sexual partner. As a few of Dr Stern’s fellow labioplasters have stated (quoted on Jezebel), if you want to avoid your man retching in horror when you remove your knickers, best to make your vagina “nice and tidy” and give it that “petite, athletic” look by having your labia minor (the inner lips) removed entirely. This process is aptly named The Barbie.  Perhaps, when you’ve had your labia chopped off, you could give them to your favourite Ken as a take home gift.

Dr Stern, the Labioplaster, is also a Vaginoplaster. That is, he helps women who have experienced childbirth to make their vaginas “tight” again. Vaginoplasty involves Dr Stern removing the entire vagina mucosa, the soft lining of your vagina, thereby “increasing friction” for your partner, who may otherwise find sex “less satisfying than it once was” before you pushed out all his babies.  You should also try Vaginal Bleaching to make your bits “lighter and whiter”, because white and prepubescent is always best.

Be warned, surgery for your vagina is very expensive and might set you back a good few thousand sterling. Therefore, if you are poor, I suggest you take out a loan. If this is not possible, it is best to switch off the lights if you get with a man and definitely don’t expect him to perform oral sex. That is, of course, unless you have a vagina mint handy, to “flavor your secretions” and make your otherwise horrid juices stomachable for your man.

A proper woman should also do her utmost to avoid the general public having to endure the unsightly curves of her intimate area. Woe betide you if you should ever go out with Camel Toe. If you are unsure what Camel Toe is, check out one of the many British women’s magazines (such as Heat), which helpfully police the phenomenon by ridiculing women in the public eye who suffer from the affliction.

Are you worried that one day you might fall victim to Camel Toe? You should be. According to the makers of SmoothGroove, the shoe horn-like piece of plastic that combats the affliction, “a staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight” experience Camel Toe at some point in their lives.” Camel Toe can cause critical levels of “embarrassment.” But SmoothGrove can make women’s lives “just that little bit easier.” As the makers say, the Camel Toe “remedy” allows “all women to get on with their lives without having to worry about how they look.” Well thank God for that. Thank God some one has been worrying about how to empower me as a woman, because all this time I had been preoccupying myself with other matters.

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I am grateful to SmoothGroove and the Labioplasters for helping me see the light. Before, I had worried about issues such as sexual violence, losing my job and the illness of loved ones. In more naïve stages of my life, I had felt embarrassed by events such as not realizing I have a snot on my nose, spitting food on people when I attempt (as I regularly do) to eat and talk at the same time, having the train’s digital bathroom door (that I have yet again failed to lock) opened by another passenger whilst I sit helplessly on the toilet seat out of reach of the “close” button, or watching unforeseen sex scenes on the television with relatives. All along, I could have put all my worrying and cringing energies into the aesthetics of my vagina. If only I’d fretted earlier, I could have had the ugly mess sorted by now.

Just so you know, Camel Toe is not yet a medical pathology. Say the makers of Smooth Grove of the Camel Toe terminology, “we’ve searched high and low for a medical term … but there isn’t one.” Watch this space.

Voldewan: Gok Fran’s very own fashion blog!

1 Jan

A column on the dark arts of hiding the “problem areas” of your body fashionably. Because women can’t feel good unless others say they look good.

Gok Fran is the saviour of modern womanhood. He takes women with heartbreakingly low self-confidence due to their physical deviations from idealized images of beauty and, instead of helping such women to free their minds from this sexist pressure for feminine perfection, he puts them in spanx body suits and trusses them up like Christmas turkeys! But not just any Christmas turkey, no matter what the lady’s personal style, it’s the same “confident” Mad Men/air hostess/1950s Republican Lady inspired Christmas turkey!

 Then, Gok Fran assists his “girlies” into his personal collection of body control underwear – or should we call it scaffolding (but only after being tanned, waxed, coiffed and made-up) for comment by family, friends and the reality TV-consuming nation! Why? Because women are only “empowered” when they receive public approval of their bodies! Gosh! As Gok Fran points out on his own gokwan website, he has encouraged women everywhere, even those that deviate from our mainstream ideas of beauty, to “strip for the nation!” How patriotic! After all, the role of all women, not just those on FHM’s sexiest ladies list, is to sexually titillate, and Gok Fran is helping us all to do just that! That’s why we’ve given him his very own fashion column in which he aims to help all you wannabe Natural Women to dress how you should and strip like you should!

By Gok Fran and Jolene

 Hey girlfriends!

Lots of New Year kisses and hugs from your Aunty Gok Fran! Loves ya!

Your Aunty Gok

Your Aunty Gok

Look what I dragged out the hedge today! It’s Jolene! A florist from Slough! Oh my days! Jolene, you have been a naughty girl – you’re a style disaster and your frizz is a disgrace! Come here cheeky, it’s time to give you a Gokover!

Shrinking violet Jolene's confidence is at an all time low

Shrinking violet Jolene’s confidence is at an all time low

Jolene hates her flabby waste and saddlebags, whilst I want to take control of her bootilicious bangers! Yummy! Belts (and a little masking tape) are key to body confidence.

Fat control

Bish bash bosh! Jolene’s all measured up post curve control procedure.

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Create the all- important illusion of a feminine waist in a flirty pink belt. The tighter the better, sista! Watch the men flock…

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Add some customized peep-toes for instant glamour… and their slimming too. Pump up the sassfactor within an inch of your life! OUCH!

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Jolene is now in full bloom after her gorgeous Gokover! I’ve put a bang on trend twist on the classic little black dress. Jolene oozes Jackie O style sans the sunglasses. Her silk headscarf covers her frizz by day and doubles up as an elegant cape by night. The A –line cut of the dress covers all manner of body sins and the retro peep-toes reflect the femininity of the corsage collection resting above her lil pups.  Very simple,very sophisticated, very me.

After

Goodbye to all my bootylicious girls from your Aunty Gok! Don’t forget to buy my gorgeous beauty, spectacle, make-up, fragrance, daywear, evening wear, underwear and scented tampon ranges! And watch out for me in case I catch you unawares and squeeze ya baps in the street! Loves ya! XXXX P.S. It’s my way or the highway.

Gok and Jo

Keep young and beautiful, if you want to be loved

27 Oct

Feminine ladies, the importance of retaining a youthful appearance should never be underestimated. Younger and prettier is always better. Wrinkles and white hair may add character and wisdom to a man’s look, but do not fool yourself into thinking this can be true of older women. Keep young and beautiful, or you may never snag that all-important dream man, without whom you will be a haggard old spinster forever, and you will have no one but feminists, lesbians and cats for friends.

At what age should you begin your fight against aging? US giant Walmart says during childhood, or at least its anti-aging cosmetics line aimed at eight-year-olds does.  Nivea, on the other hand, actively encourages teenagers to use their anti-aging creams, which they see as a “proactive” way of  “preventing the onset of wrinkles.” Dr Jean-Louis Sebagh of Crème Vital moisturising cream (£57 for 50ml, if you are interested) recommends that girls “start skincare young”. Indeed, says Dr Sebagh, “(i)f you start from 16 you will see the benefits. It is like feeding yourself properly.” I take certain issue with Dr Sebagh’s advice, since unlike neglecting moisturisers, not eating will eventually result in death. That said, if you are a proper woman, then “letting yourself go” and doing nothing to stop the appearance of those dry, scaly, clawing “crows feet” around your eyes, should really be punished by death (although, surely death is the ultimate form of aging prevention, n’est pas?).

It is settled. Start to preoccupy yourself with anti-aging creams as a teenager, or, to quote Nivea, be even more “proactive” and begin a lifelong dissatisfaction with your looks as a child. But at what age should you consider more, what I call, structural solutions, such as the knife or needle? My personal view is age 33 (which gives me a few more years to save up for some ops!) for this is a magical age. Saint Joseph was 33 when he took the Virgin Mary for a wife…. Word has it that the Virgin Mary no longer changed physical appearance from her 33rd year on Earth, her beauty both internal and external…  33 is the name of a private members club in the magical world of Disneyland… I have 33 vertebrae in my back… I diverge… Do excuse me. A few ideas to help you look younger:

  •  The old favourite, Botox: inject poison into the muscles of your decrepit face to ensure that they can no longer contract or receive signals from your nerves.
  •  The new Harley Street fad, the Vampire Facial: the customer’s own blood is extracted from the arm and then spun at a vigorous speed in a Centrifuge for six minutes before being re-injected into the person’s skin through tiny holds made in their face with a “probe”. This reminds me of the legendary torture device of the Middle Ages, the Iron Maiden. Yet it must work, because the Daily Mail says so.  Says the columnist that tested it “(b)lood trickled down my face like raindrops down a window pane — so much blood that I can honestly say I’ve experienced few things as frightening in my life… but … it worked wonders on my neck.” You could also try the Elizabeth Bathory method (Bathory was the Slovak countess that killed 650 virgins in order to bathe in their youth-inducing blood. A modern, legal alternative could include a bath of black pudding).
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Like the Vampire Facial, but for your whole body and without the Harley Street price tag. Order yours now from all good beauty stores, or MI6/the CIA.

  • Favoured by British royals, Bee venom. What more can I say? You insert it in your face. It’s Mother Nature’s botox.
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The Bee Venom facial in action

  • Finally, why not try a “traditional” Thai face-slapping facial, a snip at $350 per 15-minute slot:  My dad would say that anyone who pays $350 dollars on a beauty treatment deserves a slap. But he has leathery skin.

Bikini line solutions for the modern woman

9 Sep

Proper women are highly skilled in grooming themselves in accordance with the latest fashions of the day. Like real-life fembots we systematically pluck, wax, trim, dilapidate and laser ourselves to make sure we are bald on all the right patches of our skin. On the other hand, we must grow our hair on some patches of our bodies, and if our locks are not long and smooth enough, we should, of course, extend them with man-made (or poor people’s) hair.

Yesterday, whilst changing clothes before departing for a rare trip to the public baths, I glanced in the mirror and froze in horror at the sight of my poorly pruned privates. Imagine the scene of mass, fear-fueled exodus from the pool by my fellow swimmers were they to spot a stray pube protruding from underneath my costume. This is a probable scenario, since women’s natural bodies are disgusting, and if you wish to be a socially acceptable lady, you must take measures to disguise your numerous hair imperfections. If you fail to do so, you risk Heat magazine journalists zooming in on the ugly parts of your body and printing the images in their weekly publication for their British female readership to devour and ridicule. With this in mind, I decided to apply hair removal cream to my bikini line. The problem was that the mixture, which uses a combination of chemicals to burn away your hair, smelt horribly of rotten eggs and left an unsightly and sore rash of red pimples all over my tender lady’s area. As such, the swimming trip was abruptly cancelled.

And so arises my dilemma. How can one employ a pricey product (and thus maintain our revered beauty industry) to make the hair of my lady area more socially acceptable? As always, after a few hours of intense and laborious thought, I came up with a solution: pubic hair extensions! Why not? If attaching someone else’s long hair to your head is feminine, surely it is so for your bikini area.

Below you can observe a picture of Yours Truly modeling the new bikini line style at home.

Team up your long blonde extensions with an iridescent purple sarong for a sophisticated summer look.

In addition to the extensions, I have happily discovered a new lady-area related hobby. Thanks to Cosmopolitan, the magazine for endless tips on how to pleasure your man, I have discovered  the oracle of femininity, the more attractive sister of Vajazzle, the pinnacle of womanly prettiness. I have discovered pubic hair stencils.

What fun I’ve had shaping my pubic hair into heart shapes! My bikini area looks fabulous and feels happy, so thanks Cosmo magazine! Yet, in addition to the stencil shapes provided by Cosmo, you should be creative and try new ideas. How about a Playboy bunny shape? Or, if in a catholic country, try a crucifix? Why not embrace the Great British Jubolympic spirit and stencil a portrait of Elizabeth Regina onto your bikini area? You could then justify christening your front bottom with a sophisticated, even regal, pet name: it could be your Queen Elizabeth Vagina, and all its loyal subjects would be bound to serve it until death. What more can I say? Ma’am, it’s such fun to be a socially acceptable woman.

Golden brown

26 Aug

“Golden brown, texture like sun”. The opening line of The Stranglers famed song is pertinent to me as it evokes the image that I would ideally like my skin to project all year round. Sadly, in the north east of England, summer has rudely passed us by without even stopping to say hello and thus it has been challenging to achieve and maintain the perfect tan. I am very sad about this, since the beautiful, feminine, brown shimmer that I created by sitting by the pool in Spain for two weeks really brought out the colour in my eyes. Nevertheless, always reliable, the restless engine that is the beauty industry has stepped in with a range of modestly priced products to help ladies to achieve a sun-like texture.

First of all, let us contemplate Fake Bake for Teens, a fake tan designed with the adolescent lady in mind. The website implies that a teenage girl will need to buy four products (exfoliator, moisturiser, self-tan and instant tan) in order to achieve the perfect “look”. The names of the products are particularly useful (“Rough to Buff”, “Bland to Tanned”, “Dull to Delicious” and “Pasty to Tasty”) since they remind the self-aware reader how ugly she is without the Fake Bake chemical cocktail rubbed all over her virgin skin. As I have said before, the younger one can instil a low self-esteem amongst girls, the more positive the results will be in terms of their determination to strive for feminine perfection.

Here is me, sadly recalling my now faded holiday tan. Yet, true to my Great British heritage, I keep calm, carry on, and find a solution.

A feature in my favourite newspaper, The Daily Mail, has also informed me of a product that I am itching to try out. Apparently, with Skin Kiss Fake Tan Tights you can develop a bronzed look in “less than two hours”. Let me quote the rest of the Daily Mail feature on the tights in extenso:

“The hosiery works via a patented technology, which ensures microfibres in the tights contain tanning solution, leaving the wearer’s legs ‘perfectly’ tanned. Once used, the sheer tights can be washed and worn again and they come with a pair of plastic gloves to minimize the risk of getting stained hands during removal. Other Skin Kiss innovations include the Caffeine Tights, which are impregnated with microcapsules of caffeine to break down cellulite. Worn daily for a three week period, wearers reportedly saw the benefit of a 2 cm reduction on each thigh while the skin also appeared smoother.”

Magical tights that can reduce the circumference of my thighs by 2 cm in less time than the duration of my feminine cycle? “Unbelievable”, I hear you shout, but it was in the Daily Mail, so it must be true. Nevertheless, my sister Feminine Frances has warned me that the chemicals in fake tan have been linked to cancer, and so I have scoured the internet in search of organic solutions.

Organic tan 1: black tea

The website selftanningqueen.com recommends using tea to give yourself a home-made glow (and perhaps the caffeine will magically remove cellulite, as the aforementioned Daily Mail feature suggests). The instructions advise you to boil the kettle and brew an extra-strong pot of tea using ten bags, which is then transferred to a spray bottle and spritzed all over your naked body. I considered this process for a while and concluded that it would be easier to brew the tea in a bath tub. In case you are inspired to try this yourself, below is a photo-documentary of my experience.

It is best to use fair trade tea bags, as it means that you are a good person.

Add tea bags to hot bath water and dowse yourself in it. It may look like a toilet accident, but all must be endured in the pursuit of beauty.

Whilst waiting for you skin to absorb the tea tan, why not enjoy a cup or two?

Sadly, my bath was far from satisfactory. I emerged no browner, and the circumference of my thighs was not reduced.

Organic tan 2: cocoa powder

 I was not best pleased with the results of the black tea. I was thus forced to place all my hope in this second solution, cocoa powder (or hot chocolate) mixed with face cream. This recipe comes from the website food.com, which perhaps indicates that it is also possible to eat the mixture, if the fancy tickles you. Again, please find a photo-documentary of the process below.

Mix ingredients and enjoy the chocolate aroma

Apply with finesse

The resulting look is quite like commercial fake tans: streaky and orange. Yet, it smells better. I am satisfied and feel quite feminine.

A final word of warning to the feminine woman. It has been reported that the cocoa powder organic tan is irresistible to dogs. Therefore, if you apply the mixture, approach dogs with extreme caution. Note this sad cautionary tale from Jt’s Mom on the food.com website:

“I can’t wait to try this (cocoa fake tan recipe)! I noticed that in the reviews that dogs love this. Dogs love chocolate and garlic. Garlic is healthy for dogs, however chocolate is VERY toxic for them. My friend’s Golden Retriever died after he got into a box of chocolates that were gift wrapped, under the Christmas tree and he only ate 5. Bless his heart. We all laughed until he passed and the vet told us why, it was so sad. Don’t know if there is enough cocoa in this to kill a dog, but it might make them sick (especially a little puppy). Just thought I’d caution those who are not aware of this.”

Perhaps a solution would be to add garlic to your fake tan, to counterbalance the toxic chocolate. If anyone has tried this, please let me know the result.