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Fight Father Time with the Cat Litter Facial

1 Feb

As posters from the recent Hollywood blockbuster “The Counsellor” remind us, scars, wrinkles and other signs of ageing are unacceptable in women and yet add character to men. Signs of aging make a man more distinguished, rugged if you like. His stray greys make him a silver fox. He seems more worldly and mysterious. Like a mature whiskey aged in a highland oak barrel, the older man is all the more delectable. On the other hand, a woman must avoid ageing as it will always make her less attractive. No one wants to date a haggard old spinster. Less still do they want to hear a mad old bat attempt to speak with authority. As women age, they become non-people. Their worth has an expiry date.  Older women become disposable, whilst older men are generally seen to have acquired wisdom, authority and experience through their years.

Of course, these sexist and ageist stereotypes are the foundation that holds up the $88 billion anti-ageing industry. Since women’s physical appearance is attached to their social, cultural and economic worth in a way that isn’t true for men, the former are encouraged to spend a sizeable portion of their budgets on looking younger not just by body-dismorphia-enducing advertising campaigns, but also by cultural bodies and the economy. That is why only 18% of TV presenters aged over 50 are women and why older women are the segment of the population hardest hit by the cuts.

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

Case in point. Anyone remember Arlene Phillips?

So natural woman, if you want to remain a person with worth, you must disguise your humanity from the world and ensure you stay eternally youthful. But we are in crisis and anti-ageing treatments are so expensive. I can’t afford to launch war on Old Father Time and fight the natural changes of my hateful face. In Lenin’s words, what is to be done? Internet beauty bloggers (and the Daily Mail) have an answer: the Cat Litter facial! You, like I did, can try it at home…

Step 1) Learn to recognise that your ageing face is repugnant and needs immediate correction. Women’s mags or the telly can provide inspiration  (Heat magazine’s “Face Watch” column is particularly effective).

Step 2) Buy some cat litter from your local supermarket. Or, if you don’t want to fork out, just scoop up the remnants of your cat’s litter tray, making sure you scrape out any bits of poo before moving on to step 3.

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Step 3) Grind down the pellets of litter in a pestle and mortar until they form a smooth texture. Mix with Evian-branded water. You’ll be impressed by the professional finish that this gives.

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Step 4) Cook your mask slowly in a bain marie. The bain marie ensures a gentle and uniform heat throughout the mask. Microwaving the mask risks too much heat: you don’t want scold your skin with hot shit.

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Step 5) Apply to the face and leave for 15 minutes. Make sure you don’t lie down near your cat. You might find, like I did, that the mask gives off a Gruyere cheese scent as it dries. Wash off cat litter.

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Step 6)  Admire your younger looking face. Voila! Check me out! Post cat-litter facial and my face is as smooth as a newly tarmacked road! Unfortunately, if it doesn’t work for you, it’s time to save up for a trip to the needle farm.

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P.S. Not everyone recommends the cat litter facial. Cosmopolitan magazine, for example, insists that it is not advisable and is probably dangerous. Cosmo bases this view on the advice of their expert, a representative of the American chain beauty salon Sine Qua Non, which happens to be one of the magazine’s numerous sponsors. The beauty rep advises the reader to stick to her salon’s own, much superior brand of “Hungarian-sourced” bentonite clay, which is definitely very different from the bentonite clay used in cat litter. What’s more, her salon will put this clay on your face and rub it in using a soothing motion for just $118! You could also try the bird poo facial for $215.

Ensuring femininity on holiday 3

17 Jul

Once again I’m passing my summer in piropolandia (cat-calling land) aka Andalusia, where every young woman’s street harassment dreams come true. Whilst bronzing my bikini body by the pool, I have had the chance to sample the Andalusian edition of ¡Qué Me Dices! (Fancy That!), which is the woman’s Saturday supplement of the catholic right’s newspaper La Razón.

The magazine is a fascinating read on many levels. Perhaps the aspect of  it that most baffles me is the juxtaposition of an advert for a catholic, diamond encrusted gold charm bracelet (complete with one of god’s commandments on each of the ten charms) with three A4 pages of adverts for prostitutes and erotic phone lines.

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One advertisement in particular caught my attention: that for “Lolitas,” implicitly aimed at the Andalusian gentleman for whom the underage partner is preferred. In case there is a need to remind the reader, international laws dictate that a child cannot consensually prostitute her or himself and thereby automatically classes punters who buy sex from children as guilty of rape and paedophilia, and pimps of sexual exploitation. As well as the obvious question as to why there are three pages of prostitute publicity in a woman’s supplement, one also feels compelled to ask Fancy That’s editors: do Catholicism and paedophilia really go well together? Oh.

Fancy That’s most inspiring feature this week is its cover story “The Secret’s of Charlize Theron.” I have photographed this for you below, and highlighted ways in which you can recreate Charlize’s secrets with your own resources at home.

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Remember ladies, “being pretty isn’t easy” so, hell, you better be making an effort

Road test Charlize’s secrets in your very own Laborattoir*

As Fancy That reminds its readers, “being pretty isn’t easy,” but it is implicitly necessary, hence the need to study Charlize’s secrets and apply them to oneself. If you stack up the prices of the products Fancy That says you need if you want to look like Charlize Theron, you will find that the total exceeds €500. Lets remind ourselves of Andalusia’s economic situation. With unemployment at a high of 36.87%, more families made homeless on a daily basis, and food banks becoming a necessity for ever more people, should Fancy That really be spending its existence persuading women that, without expensive products, women will never be as pretty as they ought to be? Well, yes, for beauty in a woman is so vital a quality that it should be your top priority even when you have lost your livelihood and home. So if you don’t have €500 lying around, then why not, just as I have, create your very own home laborattoir for fabricating beauty products? As well as using them yourself, you could also convince your friends that they are in need of such products and flog them for a buck or two. Ideas follow.

FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “phytoserum” to make her breasts “better”, “firmer” and “more volumised”.  NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Kill a wasp and extract its sting. (Watch out girls, here comes “the science bit!” – best get a man to read this then explain it to you slowly…) Your immune system reacts to the wasp venom by sending in blood cells to fight the invading chemicals. The extra blood supply results in swelling. If you rub venom all over your chest your breasts will therefore grow, and it won’t cost you €42 (but you could sell it for that).

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FANCY THAT SAYS: At €83.07, Lift Bras miraculously “tones (Charlize´s) arms, especially the zone below the bicep, which is prone to being flaccid.” NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Add semen to your regular moisturising cream. This will prevent flaccidity, aka chicken wings. If you don’t have a man to hand, any other male mammal can be used.

ImageFANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize uses “Frownies” to stick back the frowns around her forehead and eyes. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: sellotape is cheaper than Frownies, but is basically the same thing.

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I have taped back all the wrinkles on my forehead, yet you can barely see the sellotape. Ten years younger, instantly.

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FANCY THAT SAYS: Charlize sprays Eau Sublimatrice/Moisturizing Beauty Water on her legs when wearing dresses or shorts. NATURAL WOMAN SAYS: Take tap water and place it in a plastic bottle with a perforated lid. As long as you give the water a French or scientific-sounding name, it will make your leg instantly beautiful when sprayed. Unlike other natural resources, water has yet to be fully privatised, so this method is currently free for all.

legSpray

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Spray Beauty Water on your leg and it will be beautiful, instantly

Enjoy! Before you navigate away from this page, take a final thought from Fancy That!

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“Fancy That” has spotted this famous Spanish actor in the supermarket. The magazine makes the observation, “the actor, interested in vegetables, even went to the extent of touching – without making use of the plastic gloves – the artichokes in the market”. Well,  just fancy that!

*Laborattoir: a laboratory where animals die so you can be beautiful. You might also be interested in Garnier’s “laboratoire” by Mitchell and Webb: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOYCkHFMnVc.

Voldewan: Gok Fran’s very own fashion blog!

1 Jan

A column on the dark arts of hiding the “problem areas” of your body fashionably. Because women can’t feel good unless others say they look good.

Gok Fran is the saviour of modern womanhood. He takes women with heartbreakingly low self-confidence due to their physical deviations from idealized images of beauty and, instead of helping such women to free their minds from this sexist pressure for feminine perfection, he puts them in spanx body suits and trusses them up like Christmas turkeys! But not just any Christmas turkey, no matter what the lady’s personal style, it’s the same “confident” Mad Men/air hostess/1950s Republican Lady inspired Christmas turkey!

 Then, Gok Fran assists his “girlies” into his personal collection of body control underwear – or should we call it scaffolding (but only after being tanned, waxed, coiffed and made-up) for comment by family, friends and the reality TV-consuming nation! Why? Because women are only “empowered” when they receive public approval of their bodies! Gosh! As Gok Fran points out on his own gokwan website, he has encouraged women everywhere, even those that deviate from our mainstream ideas of beauty, to “strip for the nation!” How patriotic! After all, the role of all women, not just those on FHM’s sexiest ladies list, is to sexually titillate, and Gok Fran is helping us all to do just that! That’s why we’ve given him his very own fashion column in which he aims to help all you wannabe Natural Women to dress how you should and strip like you should!

By Gok Fran and Jolene

 Hey girlfriends!

Lots of New Year kisses and hugs from your Aunty Gok Fran! Loves ya!

Your Aunty Gok

Your Aunty Gok

Look what I dragged out the hedge today! It’s Jolene! A florist from Slough! Oh my days! Jolene, you have been a naughty girl – you’re a style disaster and your frizz is a disgrace! Come here cheeky, it’s time to give you a Gokover!

Shrinking violet Jolene's confidence is at an all time low

Shrinking violet Jolene’s confidence is at an all time low

Jolene hates her flabby waste and saddlebags, whilst I want to take control of her bootilicious bangers! Yummy! Belts (and a little masking tape) are key to body confidence.

Fat control

Bish bash bosh! Jolene’s all measured up post curve control procedure.

measuring up

Create the all- important illusion of a feminine waist in a flirty pink belt. The tighter the better, sista! Watch the men flock…

belting up

Add some customized peep-toes for instant glamour… and their slimming too. Pump up the sassfactor within an inch of your life! OUCH!

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Jolene is now in full bloom after her gorgeous Gokover! I’ve put a bang on trend twist on the classic little black dress. Jolene oozes Jackie O style sans the sunglasses. Her silk headscarf covers her frizz by day and doubles up as an elegant cape by night. The A –line cut of the dress covers all manner of body sins and the retro peep-toes reflect the femininity of the corsage collection resting above her lil pups.  Very simple,very sophisticated, very me.

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Goodbye to all my bootylicious girls from your Aunty Gok! Don’t forget to buy my gorgeous beauty, spectacle, make-up, fragrance, daywear, evening wear, underwear and scented tampon ranges! And watch out for me in case I catch you unawares and squeeze ya baps in the street! Loves ya! XXXX P.S. It’s my way or the highway.

Gok and Jo

Bikini line solutions for the modern woman

9 Sep

Proper women are highly skilled in grooming themselves in accordance with the latest fashions of the day. Like real-life fembots we systematically pluck, wax, trim, dilapidate and laser ourselves to make sure we are bald on all the right patches of our skin. On the other hand, we must grow our hair on some patches of our bodies, and if our locks are not long and smooth enough, we should, of course, extend them with man-made (or poor people’s) hair.

Yesterday, whilst changing clothes before departing for a rare trip to the public baths, I glanced in the mirror and froze in horror at the sight of my poorly pruned privates. Imagine the scene of mass, fear-fueled exodus from the pool by my fellow swimmers were they to spot a stray pube protruding from underneath my costume. This is a probable scenario, since women’s natural bodies are disgusting, and if you wish to be a socially acceptable lady, you must take measures to disguise your numerous hair imperfections. If you fail to do so, you risk Heat magazine journalists zooming in on the ugly parts of your body and printing the images in their weekly publication for their British female readership to devour and ridicule. With this in mind, I decided to apply hair removal cream to my bikini line. The problem was that the mixture, which uses a combination of chemicals to burn away your hair, smelt horribly of rotten eggs and left an unsightly and sore rash of red pimples all over my tender lady’s area. As such, the swimming trip was abruptly cancelled.

And so arises my dilemma. How can one employ a pricey product (and thus maintain our revered beauty industry) to make the hair of my lady area more socially acceptable? As always, after a few hours of intense and laborious thought, I came up with a solution: pubic hair extensions! Why not? If attaching someone else’s long hair to your head is feminine, surely it is so for your bikini area.

Below you can observe a picture of Yours Truly modeling the new bikini line style at home.

Team up your long blonde extensions with an iridescent purple sarong for a sophisticated summer look.

In addition to the extensions, I have happily discovered a new lady-area related hobby. Thanks to Cosmopolitan, the magazine for endless tips on how to pleasure your man, I have discovered  the oracle of femininity, the more attractive sister of Vajazzle, the pinnacle of womanly prettiness. I have discovered pubic hair stencils.

What fun I’ve had shaping my pubic hair into heart shapes! My bikini area looks fabulous and feels happy, so thanks Cosmo magazine! Yet, in addition to the stencil shapes provided by Cosmo, you should be creative and try new ideas. How about a Playboy bunny shape? Or, if in a catholic country, try a crucifix? Why not embrace the Great British Jubolympic spirit and stencil a portrait of Elizabeth Regina onto your bikini area? You could then justify christening your front bottom with a sophisticated, even regal, pet name: it could be your Queen Elizabeth Vagina, and all its loyal subjects would be bound to serve it until death. What more can I say? Ma’am, it’s such fun to be a socially acceptable woman.

Golden brown

26 Aug

“Golden brown, texture like sun”. The opening line of The Stranglers famed song is pertinent to me as it evokes the image that I would ideally like my skin to project all year round. Sadly, in the north east of England, summer has rudely passed us by without even stopping to say hello and thus it has been challenging to achieve and maintain the perfect tan. I am very sad about this, since the beautiful, feminine, brown shimmer that I created by sitting by the pool in Spain for two weeks really brought out the colour in my eyes. Nevertheless, always reliable, the restless engine that is the beauty industry has stepped in with a range of modestly priced products to help ladies to achieve a sun-like texture.

First of all, let us contemplate Fake Bake for Teens, a fake tan designed with the adolescent lady in mind. The website implies that a teenage girl will need to buy four products (exfoliator, moisturiser, self-tan and instant tan) in order to achieve the perfect “look”. The names of the products are particularly useful (“Rough to Buff”, “Bland to Tanned”, “Dull to Delicious” and “Pasty to Tasty”) since they remind the self-aware reader how ugly she is without the Fake Bake chemical cocktail rubbed all over her virgin skin. As I have said before, the younger one can instil a low self-esteem amongst girls, the more positive the results will be in terms of their determination to strive for feminine perfection.

Here is me, sadly recalling my now faded holiday tan. Yet, true to my Great British heritage, I keep calm, carry on, and find a solution.

A feature in my favourite newspaper, The Daily Mail, has also informed me of a product that I am itching to try out. Apparently, with Skin Kiss Fake Tan Tights you can develop a bronzed look in “less than two hours”. Let me quote the rest of the Daily Mail feature on the tights in extenso:

“The hosiery works via a patented technology, which ensures microfibres in the tights contain tanning solution, leaving the wearer’s legs ‘perfectly’ tanned. Once used, the sheer tights can be washed and worn again and they come with a pair of plastic gloves to minimize the risk of getting stained hands during removal. Other Skin Kiss innovations include the Caffeine Tights, which are impregnated with microcapsules of caffeine to break down cellulite. Worn daily for a three week period, wearers reportedly saw the benefit of a 2 cm reduction on each thigh while the skin also appeared smoother.”

Magical tights that can reduce the circumference of my thighs by 2 cm in less time than the duration of my feminine cycle? “Unbelievable”, I hear you shout, but it was in the Daily Mail, so it must be true. Nevertheless, my sister Feminine Frances has warned me that the chemicals in fake tan have been linked to cancer, and so I have scoured the internet in search of organic solutions.

Organic tan 1: black tea

The website selftanningqueen.com recommends using tea to give yourself a home-made glow (and perhaps the caffeine will magically remove cellulite, as the aforementioned Daily Mail feature suggests). The instructions advise you to boil the kettle and brew an extra-strong pot of tea using ten bags, which is then transferred to a spray bottle and spritzed all over your naked body. I considered this process for a while and concluded that it would be easier to brew the tea in a bath tub. In case you are inspired to try this yourself, below is a photo-documentary of my experience.

It is best to use fair trade tea bags, as it means that you are a good person.

Add tea bags to hot bath water and dowse yourself in it. It may look like a toilet accident, but all must be endured in the pursuit of beauty.

Whilst waiting for you skin to absorb the tea tan, why not enjoy a cup or two?

Sadly, my bath was far from satisfactory. I emerged no browner, and the circumference of my thighs was not reduced.

Organic tan 2: cocoa powder

 I was not best pleased with the results of the black tea. I was thus forced to place all my hope in this second solution, cocoa powder (or hot chocolate) mixed with face cream. This recipe comes from the website food.com, which perhaps indicates that it is also possible to eat the mixture, if the fancy tickles you. Again, please find a photo-documentary of the process below.

Mix ingredients and enjoy the chocolate aroma

Apply with finesse

The resulting look is quite like commercial fake tans: streaky and orange. Yet, it smells better. I am satisfied and feel quite feminine.

A final word of warning to the feminine woman. It has been reported that the cocoa powder organic tan is irresistible to dogs. Therefore, if you apply the mixture, approach dogs with extreme caution. Note this sad cautionary tale from Jt’s Mom on the food.com website:

“I can’t wait to try this (cocoa fake tan recipe)! I noticed that in the reviews that dogs love this. Dogs love chocolate and garlic. Garlic is healthy for dogs, however chocolate is VERY toxic for them. My friend’s Golden Retriever died after he got into a box of chocolates that were gift wrapped, under the Christmas tree and he only ate 5. Bless his heart. We all laughed until he passed and the vet told us why, it was so sad. Don’t know if there is enough cocoa in this to kill a dog, but it might make them sick (especially a little puppy). Just thought I’d caution those who are not aware of this.”

Perhaps a solution would be to add garlic to your fake tan, to counterbalance the toxic chocolate. If anyone has tried this, please let me know the result.

In pursuit of pertness

12 Aug

In these times of economic crisis, our Leader-in-Chief Call Me Dave has decided to privatise England in order to create more revenue for the government. As well as the general sell-off of public assets, his policy includes cutting funding to such glorious institutions as universities. But fear not budding scholar, for when university departments with no immediate business benefits are long gone, and the arts, social sciences and philosophy are just a distant dream, University College London will still be able to offer you a degree (if you can afford it).

Some UCL departments have adapted well to the new capitalist model of higher education and are conducting research with high economic benefits. One staff member in particular has an excellent model: carry out innovative research that will heighten the body insecurities of all proper women, disseminate it at a national level, then refer said women to your clinic for a “confidence-boosting” solution with a hefty price tag. Genius! Well done Dr Malucci of University College Hospital and the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (or BAAPS for short, which is a little ironic, as you will see)! This is a little like the Nestle baby formula model, n’est pas? Call Me Dave would be proud!

Whilst reading that high-brow newspaper preferred by all top academics, The Sun, Dr Malucci was perusing page 3, that section of the paper where women do what they were born to and show off their feminine assets for the pleasure of good English gentlemen at least twice their age, and began (in his words) to “question what it is that make readers find these breasts appealing”. How could he find a solution to this puzzling conundrum? What important contribution could he make to society by coming up with the answer?

Dr Malucci decided to carefully analyse the breasts of one hundred of The Sun’s page 3 girls, then published his findings in International Journal of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgery. Ladies, this stunning research has found the key features that determine whether or not your breasts are attractive enough for Sun readers. First, the part of the boob lying below the nipple should be ten per cent fuller than that above it, “like page 3 Hollie or model Kelly Brook”. Dr Malucci goes on to explain, “The nipple meridian — a horizontal line drawn at the level of the nipple — (lies) at a point such that the proportion of the breast above it (is) 45 per cent and below 55 per cent…The more breasts deviate from these measures the less attractive they are regardless of size.” Great! now we can quantify how unattractive our chests are! Time to get your protractors out girls and check if you measure up for the discerning taste of Sun readers for, if not, Dr Malucci has created the perfect boob job just for you (lets hope that the feminazis have not got too near him or he might be forced to create the perfect nut job to correct the proportion of his injured testicles)!

Angles aside, in recent times I have become more and more concerned about the pertness of my breasts. As we are often reminded by the media in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, a woman’s breasts should be pert and perky, like two little Jack Russell Terriers eager to be taken out for a walk around the block by their owner. Sadly, as we get older, it becomes harder to maintain this pubescent ripeness, even with the help of a wonderbra. In these times of economic crisis, some of you may prioritise the payment of your mortgage above cosmetic surgery to correct the unsightly sagging of your breasts. Nevertheless, even the frugal girl can fight gravity by taking into account a few of the solutions presented below.

1)   Hang upside down

Go to the park and hang upside down on the monkey bars or a similar apparatus for at least two hours per day. Instead of fruitlessly trying to overcome gravity, you can harness its power and make your breasts sag upwards instead of downwards (much more attractive and feminine)

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Me and my two puppies fighting gravity in the park

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Feminine Frances about to perform a breast dismount

2) Hydrotherapy

Thank you naturalremedysite.blogspot.co.uk for this incredibly useful pertness-producing tip:

“The next time you’re in the shower, spend a few minutes toning your breasts. Simply rinse your breasts with warm water for 30 seconds and then switch to the coldest water you can stand for 10 seconds. Continue alternating between warm and cold water for several minutes.

The cold water application must be for a shorter duration than the hot. It is also important to end the treatment with cold water. Do not apply water that is hot enough to burn. The hot application should be pleasantly warm.”

3) Rub them

FairLady, a commentator from a Yahoo Forum (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080108083653AA0IaGg) dedicated to making breasts more attractive has the following advice:

“i’ll tell you one secret that has kept my breasts firm all these years – whenever you shower and wash/soap your breasts, do it in circular motions.. left hand counterclockwise on right breast, and right hand clockwise on left breast.. i never realized this habit gave me a lifetime benefit…after 3 kids. :-)”

4) Put a potion on them

Get a Lovely Jubblies potion from your local Lush store, or all good witch doctors:

““Take care of your finest features with Mother Nature’s finest ingredients. Inspiring men and women alike, our rather brilliant breast cream is packed full of tightening meadowsweet infusion and firming tiger lily petals to help fight the forces of gravity. We add heaps of beeswax and organic oils of almond and avocado to soften your melons and keep them supple, (and to make it even harder to keep your fans at bay!) Smooth a generous amount over your décolletage area and leave your cleavage smelling like a fresh floral bouquet of orange blossom, rose, jasmine and ylang ylang.”

5) Ask God nicely

Here is a tip from the excellent website iloveprettykeli.com. If you want firm and perky boobs, you had better start praying pronto:

“I remember being 11 years old and my mother telling me “whatever you want just pray to God and ask him for it”. At this time I had my mind made up on exactly what I wanted and what I’d ask him for. So I said “Lord, please give me big boobs”. By 13 I was a 32DD. I wish my mother would’ve told me to be specific with my prayer and ask for FIRM and PERKY big boobs. Having big boobs is awesome, having them sag is not.”

6) Sellotape them

Check out this advice from Teri Hatcher, top Hollywood actress, quoted in an article on breastimplantsupport.org:

“Any model or Hollywood actress who wears fancy designer ball gowns knows how to expertly manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and hold your breasts like a bra. It’s a perfect temporary boob job.When you wear those complicated, low-cut dresses, and you’re 40, that’s how you can achieve perfect cleavage.” Teri had also confessed earlier this year that she regrets not having a bronze cast taken of her breasts when she was in her twenties, because they were perfect. She says “I think they should have been bronzed at some point because there was so much hysteria surrounding them. I suppose you could have worse compliments.”

Luckily, I was more foresighted than Teri Hatcher, and had my father pay for a bronze cast of myself back when I was age sixteen. If your father doesn’t have enough money to pay for a sculptor, try the following more cost-effective idea from Cosmopolitan magazine (one of the best magazines for learning how to be feminine as well as for advice on all important areas of your life such as pleasing your boyfriend, pleasing your husband, pleasing your male acquaintances and pleasing strangers who are men). Cosmo says, referring to your breasts, “do a topless solo photo shoot, and hide the evidence. When you’re 70, you’ll love to look back at how awesome they were.”

Look back and cry.

7) When you are still 18 years old and your breasts are at their perky best, use the Freezing Charm (made famous by Harry Potter and his chum Hermione Granger) to make sure they stay in place:

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Sisters doin’ it for themselves

Ensuring femininity whilst on holiday

31 Jul

Whilst leafing through Saturday’s edition of Ideal, a local Andalusian paper, I chanced upon Ideal’s very own Woman Today magazine. I was very fortunate to do so, since it has been a long time since I have read something so current and relevant to the modern day Western woman. Indeed, as well as an enlightening interview in which I learnt how David Gardy (star of the Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue aftershave advert and top role model for all men) smelt (“If the sensuality of the Mediterranean was a perfume, David Gardy would smell exactly like it.”), the magazine was full of useful insights into how to make myself more perfect. Sitting in the hot sunshine as I was, one article in particular caught my attention and immediately caused me a considerable degree of worry.

In the article, Moncho Moreno (hairdresser, make up artist and proper scientific expert) advised that women should take “extreme care” of their hair during the summer season, since the hair’s “true enemies, like the sun, sea or pool water, sand and repeated washings really are hostile elements, which mean dehydration, lack of shine and hair weakness.” Reading these words, it dawned on me that the hairdresser was right. After a couple of days of abusing my hair with sun, sea, chlorine, sand and repeated shampooings, my hair was in a horrific condition and was so dry that its texture was almost pubic.

Something had to be done, yet I was reluctant to spend €25.50 on the Hydrating Hair Filter Mask recommended by Moreno as the preferred solution to this horrible problem (we are in crisis after all): Therefore, in absence of a parasol, I decided to protect my hair from the sun with an umbrella.

At first, this worked a treat and I was able to continue to read top advice for the modern day woman from Woman Today magazine with a newfound tranquillity. Nevertheless, when I went for a dip, the umbrella proved impractical.

I then thought of simply wearing a hat, but the sand continued to blow in my hair and I would still need to carry out a damaging shampooing session at the end of the day. What to do now?

I contemplated this for a while, and came to the conclusion that there was only one solution. The sun filtering hydration mask for one’s hair is indispensable for any modern day woman who is on holiday, because if your hair is not shiny and soft, you are not really a woman. So, I applied the sun filter, carefully following the hairdresser’s advice to the tee and applying half and hour before exposure to the sun and again after each swim.

Given that I swim 6 times per day (it is very hot in Spain), I used up a whole bottle in one day. So, over my 2 week holiday, I used 14 bottles, which cost €350 or 220% of the weekly equivalent of the average local unemployment benefit (the unemployment rate in Granada, the city of Woman Today’s readership, stands at 36.5%).  But, as Woman Today knows, crisis or no crisis, it was worth it as my hair was looking younger, if not a little crispy. Voila:

However, a final word of warning for the reader who is about to invest in a few bottles of Hydrating Hair Filter Mask, as Woman Today warns, take into account the PAO, or “Period After Opening”, of your product. As soon as  you open the lid of your product, its “Useful Life” will be ticking away, and it “may be contaminated by various causes, such as the actions of microorganisms originating from contact with fingers or the air.” But, not to worry, you can avoid the minefield of PAOs by investing in Lactic Argan Crème, which will only set you back €31.10 a bottle, and comes recommended by Woman Today’s expert, Paloma Calderon, of the Institute of Medical Aesthetics of Madrid and pharmacist Manuel Lopez (also PR Director of a cosmetics company, presumably one that sells Argan). Argan, according to these experts is one of the “stars of the moment”, comes from the Moroccan “Tree of life” and lasts for “over 200 years”. According to Woman Today, you can even use the product on your baby (assuming, firstly, that your baby has hair, and secondly, that she suffers from lack of hair shine, that common worry above all worries for babies).