Have a HOT Halloween

31 Oct

In those bygone, dark days before I began trying in earnest to be a proper woman, I used to believe that I should dress sexily only when I wanted to.* But alas, I was wrong! It seems women, teenagers and girls should dress in a way that men find sexually appealing at all times. This is especially true on Halloween, when, increasingly, the only costumes available to women are sexy ones. Being sexy is compulsory. If men should look ghoulish on Halloween, women should be sexy and ghoulish.

Now that the need to be sexy is clear, it is time to plan your outfit. For those of you that are in a hysterical, female tizzy about what to wear for this weekend’s Halloween parties, kindly stop your fretting at once, for I have developed a short guide to your options:

1)    Go for the traditional sexy scary look. For example, copy my ghost outfit, pictured below, in which scary has become irresistibly sexy by wearing a bra on the outside.


Thanks to the “Venus from Mars” blog for this costume idea

2)    Dress up as a traditional Halloween object or animal. Why not dress as a Playboy Pumpkin? Just cover yourself in fake tan and wear bunny ears. TOP TIP: The Playboy Pumpkin look can also be recreated on non-Halloween days. Why not give the guys a a treat and try wearing it to the office one day?

3)    In the USA, and increasingly in the UK, it doesn’t matter if your costume isn’t related to Halloween. Any fancy dress will do, as long as it is sexy. Indeed, Cosmopolitan has plenty of unusual and, in their words, “slutty” (in everyone else’s words “brazenly racist”) ideas for Halloween this year: No.1 on their list is designed especially for women of Asian ethnicity: a sexy Mail-Order Bride! Or, why not poke fun at Native American culture and dress as a Pocohottie?

4)    Typically female professions are always a good source of sexy Halloween inspiration (think sexy Nurse or sexy Secretary). In the context of the economic crisis, female poverty can provide extra ideas for all you hot partygoers. Why not try sexy underemployed, underpaid Office Temp, sexy full-time Carer, or a Sexy Office Worker (thanks Heather for the link)? I have gone for a sexy Unpaid Domestic Labourer, wearing nothing but underwear beneath my apron and making use of a mop as a poledance accessory.

sexy domestic

Admittedly, this outfit would have worked better if the apron was shorter, my tights were fishnet and my feet were clad in stilettos. But I’m just an amateur woman.

*Speaking seriously, the idea that young women can freely choose or meaningfully decide to dress sexily is flawed, given that we live under the pressure of a patriarchal marketing machine, which tells girls to look sexually available to men at all times. With this post, I do not mean to criticise women and girls who choose to dress in a sexy fashion, but to call out the marketing campaigns and industries which make it near impossible for women to negotiate our own choices about how we dress and express our sexualities.

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