Archive | September, 2013

What your favourite crisp flavour says about your bedroom personality

11 Sep
Hello, I’m a feminazi and my hobbies do not include women’s magazines. Here are my top five reasons why:

1) They made puberty about 100% worse than it had to be
2) They create insecurities in readers in order to  sell them the useless, expensive “must-have” “solutions”. Their enormous readership of women deserve better.
3) Their covers (and the models inside too) are generally white-washed,  air-brushed, soaked in make-up and digitally “improved” with computer-aided artistry.
4) The content is designed to reinforce sexist but classic stereotypes of (white, capitalist, able-bodied and minded, heterosexual, middle-class) women such as the bitchy, jealous girlfriend who constantly compares herself to other bitchy, jealous, power-and-male-approval-hungry women, the high-powered, sex-and-the-city-style thirty-something obsessed with Gucci handbags and £1k shoes, or the ultra-feminine angel who has a secret “sexy, sassy” side to her personality, which can be evidenced by the shape of her bikini line. In short, they present an ideal for women which is white, material-rich, cosmetically enhanced  and centred around man-pleasing (by which I mean being sexy for men, cleaning up after them and making them feel “manly”) and imply we are failing if we do not fit within these ideals.
5) They are so boring that people have been known to weep by the time they reach the second page.

As Jezebel have pointed out, one of the most hilarious aspects of women’s magazines are the monthly quizzes, which consistently  reiterate sexist stereotypes and tired clichés. Below is a quiz created by me for your pleasure and personal growth. I have used a list of quizzes and “personality tests” available at the time of writing on Cosmopolitan’s website ( as a muse.

Are you female enough to entrap a man?/What does your favourite crisp flavour say about your bedroom style?/Is your sock choice sending him mixed signals?/What’s your leg hair personality?

1) Body Dilemma! It’s that time of the month. Disgusting!!! Cringe! What do you do???

A) You disguise your tampons as sweets and hide in your room, wallowing in shame, until your womb has finished menstruating. God forbid you ask him to buy you some tampons, since, according to Cosmo, this will make him feel emasculated and he will most likely dump you.
B) You tell him all his faults and demand that he take you shoe shopping/turn into a mad, irrational shewolf and howl at the moon
C) You choose a sexy, sassy tampon to match your personality such as a Tampax Pearl with its own cute mini skirt, scented sanitary pads and/or a girly sanitary-ware holder with a totes hilaire logo such as “If only two wrongs made a Mr Right”
D) You wonder why it’s blue

2) What’s your ideal job?

A) Unpaid Domestic Labourer
B) A PR Executive/Glossy Mag Editor/Interior Designer/Online Vintage Jewellery Emporium Owner/Pejazzle Consultant
C) Doctor’s Assistant (no.4 best job in the world “for women”, according to Cosmo)
D) A Cat

3) What makes you feel euphoric?

A) Wearing pink/buying shoes. Shoes!!!!!!!!
B) Eating probiotic yoghurt
C) Being skinnier than your best friend/Slimming World
D) Fantasizing about the Miliband twins

4) What will be top of your cosmetic surgery wish-list when you snag your dream job (see question 2) and become a shemillionairess?

A) Bigger breasts
B) Cellulite reduction
C) Botox-face
D) I want a My Little Pony tail of pink and purple and sparkly glitter/enough surgery to become an actual sexy centaur

5) Dating Dilemma! You’re going on a date and the guy is really hot. You might be tempted to sleep with him but don’t want to as he will then know what a total skank you are. What do you do?

A) Follow Cosmo’s advice and wear a “fake chastity belt”
B) Don’t wax your bikini line/Wear granny pants. If the worst comes to the worst and the slut inside you overrules your good sense and you go back to his place, do as Cosmo says and hide the pants “under his bath mat” lest he sees the big pants and recoils in horror
C) “Holding out” will definitely make a man commit, and prevents shameful additions to your “sex number”, so if you feel the urge, just think: “his wang could be gross
D) You only date gay men

6) (This question is sponsored by Helena Frith Powell) At home with your man, you do the majority of the housework because

A) of cavemen. Evolution blah blah. Whilst man (more specifically your white, middle-class boyfriend) is better suited to the higher-paid, socially useless professions and having free time when he is not at work, woman prefers and is well-adapted to unpaid (but useful) tedium. Besides, you are the Chief Executive of the house
B) Men are necessary but stupid. They have specific disabilities that prevent them from realising domestic activities
C) You love to clean surfaces. The pleasant scent of your cleaning products make them fun to use and eliminating odours is your hobby. You feel that the cleanliness of your surfaces – in particular your skirting boards and kitchen island with its faux-marble worktop – is a personal statement about you and your personality. You tend to view women with unclean surfaces in a negative light.
D) You sacked your maid. You now do all the housework yourself whilst dressed in a varied array of Ann Summers outfits.

7) What’s your worst personality flaw?
A) You are tight-fisted, buying only supermarket own-brand creams to correct your aging face
B) You are lazy. You probably only shave your legs in summer and don’t remove your eye make-up properly
C) Your breasts are different sizes
D) You’re not human. You’re a playboy bunny rabbit and have no flaws to speak of.

8) Dinner Party Dilemma! You’ve heard there’s a crisis in Syria, but you don’t have any views ready for tonight’s social occasion. What do you consult to inform your opinion-development?
A) Kim Kardashian’s twitter-feed
B) Justin Bieber’s T-shirt
C) Nothing: it is unladylike to voice opinions on international geopolitics, so you pursue your latest Bag-Crush via Ebay instead
D) Whatever. You think the late Osama Bin Laden may have been hot if he’d have shaved his beard (See September 2013 UK Glamour magazine for more celebrities you should secretly fancy)

9) Totes fashion nightmare! On the way home from town on the peasant waggon, some benefit scrounging, teenage mother’s vile offspring vommed in the bag containing your best frenemy’s new dress. It’s  her work “Winter Festival” party tonight, and although she has plenty of other dresses, they’ve all been worn before. What do you advise your frenemy to do?
A) You offer to lend her a dress, which you know will be far too small for her. She’ll look totes trashy and it will be a major fashion-fail so you high five your inner green monster 😉
B) Tell her not to go: nothing’s worth the risk of being tagged in the same Facebook-look twice.
C) Advise that she uses the money she’d been saving up for a flat deposit to purchase the latest haute-couture look featured in this month’s Grazia
D) You create her a Gok-Wan-inspired high-end look, by fashioning a dress from lavender-scented bin liners and the sanitary towels left over from the periods you are pretending you’ve never had (see question 1).

What your answers reveal about your secret bubbly personality

If your answered mostly As, you could potentially bag a guy if you lose some weight and go on a spa day.

If you answered mostly Bs, your favourite crisp flavour is salt and vinegar and your shoe personality is kitten heels, but bear in mind that eating too much protein is resulting in unattractive acne all over your forehead: try MaxFactor Ageless Elixir Beige Foundation to cover it up if you are thinking of leaving the house.

If you answered mostly Cs, you are probably a lesbian and your celebrity personality match is Karl Lagerfeld’s Chihuahua. You are destined to professional and romantic failure unless you devote more of your budget to fashion and beauty.

If you answered mostly Ds, you are clearly insane and should seek medical help. You probably do your own DIY and your ideal age for marriage is 26.

If you answered mostly As but one D, you are a Pisces who enjoys long walks with dogs and bikram yoga. Burlesque is your recommended sexercise, and the patterns of Uranus say your boyfriend is probably cheating on you because you ate more than your share of cheese fondue.