Liberal Democrat party riddled with Phantom Hands Syndrome*

1 Jul

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrat party has confirmed today at a press conference that the majority of the group’s female members and party activists suffer from the highly contagious phenomenon of Phantom Hands Syndrome.

The Syndrome, first discovered by Faith Healer George Boak, 70, of Lightcliffe, West Yorkshire, causes victims to imagine that they are being molested. Boak encountered the disease amongst several of his female patients, who, due to their condition, accused him of indecent assault.

Says Clegg, who had previously been criticised for initially pretending he knew nothing of the complaints, later admitting that he had ignored several party activists’ accusations of sexual harassment by Lord Rennard and finally attempted to banalise the allegations by referring to them as “unwanted attention” rather than sexual molestation, “during the twenty years that accusations were made against Lord Rennard, there was also a two decade bout of Phantom Hands amongst all our female party members. This was not a coincidence. A separate investigation into the specific allegations about Lord Rennard will take place under our disciplinary procedure. All women involved in the accusations will be disciplined and will then step down from their posts for health reasons. There is therefore no need for any Liberal Democrats to attend diversity training.

According, A4EG4S, the health organisation previously known as the NHS, “Phantom Hands is a syndrome caused by sensations that originate in the spinal cord and brain. It is most common amongst women who come into contact with chauvinistic men. It can be treated by repeatedly undermining and ridiculing the patient until she realises that she is a hysterical, lying, attention-seeking lunatic.”

On the Rennard incident, a feminist organisation commented, “sexual harassment serves to remind women that our role as a sex object will always trump any other qualities we possess and therefore we can never be on equal terms with men who also possess those qualities – be they political skills, sporting prowess or the ability to stand on a stage and make others laugh. We can always be put back in our rightful place with an unwanted, insistent brush of the thigh or an invitation to have sex with a man who holds the keys to the hatch in the glass ceiling” (quote from The F-Word.com).

Several expert commentators have suggested that self-identification as feminist and Phantom Hands syndrome may be linked.

*Please note that this news is made up by me.

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4 Responses to “Liberal Democrat party riddled with Phantom Hands Syndrome*”

  1. HannahDavis July 2, 2013 at 3:16 am #

    The sad thing is I can totally see that happening.

    • NaturalWoman July 2, 2013 at 7:27 am #

      Exactly! The initial response to the Rennard case was so rubbish that they might as well have used “phantom hands” as an excuse. Also the faith healer actually did use “phantom hands” as his defense during his indecent assault trial (he was found guilty).

      Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

  2. Dominique Hayes July 22, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Okay, so I’m torn between two very different responses. On one hand, I want to laugh and applaud you for your excellent use of dry wit in the face of such nonsense. And on the other hand, I want to go and smack these idiots who think it’s okay to dismiss TWENTY YEARS of reports of molestation.

    Mind you, I’m also the kind of person who will legitimately cause a massive scene or turn around and punch the guy in the face if they pulled that with me.

  3. NaturalWoman July 23, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    Thank you for your laughing and applauding response – I am honoured. Your smacking response, though, is totally justified in my opinion!

    I’m the kind of person who freezes in the moment, then wishes I’d smacked someone afterwards (apart from a couple of times, when I actually have tried to smack people – doesn’t always get the best reaction unfortunately)

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