Archive | June, 2013

Top Tips for a Disappointing Sex Life

15 Jun

Favourite headline: “So you ate a cupcake? Fast moves to burn it off!”

Women’s magazines serve an important role for those who wish to be better females. With their narrow views of what constitutes fashion, beauty and feminine behaviour, magazines promote a one-dimensional image of how a “proper” woman should be, thereby making “woman” a simple, un-nuanced target for capitalist corporations to market to. Of course, a key aspect of magazine womanhood is knowing how to please your man (women’s magazines don’t do gay, polyamory, bi or any other non-heterosexual inclination), including (as the endless “mindblowing”, “dynamite”, utterly ridiculous, boringly choreographed and repetitive sex tips every week indicate) physically. The likes of Cosmo and Glamour help us to realise how disappointing we are in the bedroom and highlight the danger of our significant others straying as a result.  Best, then, to follow the magazines “tips” (normally sponsored by a consultant “sexpert” who invariably has a new book out) no matter how, odd, shall we say, they may seem. They are guaranteed to “make your man go wild” (although, I sometimes worry, “wild” in what sense?). Below are fifteen of the best, with some added advice from moi!

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Via mookychick.co.uk

1) “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” As my colleague noted, you could also use the fork to wake him up if he falls asleep on top of you. Incidentally, it’s lucky Cosmo clarified that one shouldn’t “break the skin”. Many females that don’t read Cosmo probably still think that is a legitimate pulling technique, no doubt.

2) “Want to make oral sex a sweet treat for him? Mashed banana or peaches inside your vajayjay is a great way to tempt him downstairs for dessert! It’ll drive him wild!” (Via Vagenda: road-tesing Cosmo’s sex tips). If you must train your man to pleasure you by using foodstuffs, in the same way you might train your pet to fetch with dog biscuits, I wonder if you might be better off getting yourself a new man. Besides, I’m not sure if storing fruit in your genitals would cause mould. In any case, if you decide to go ahead, and your man meets the mashed yield he finds in your vagina with a bemused or scared expression, just moan his name or something… that will make it normal again.

3) “Finger-Food Foreplay: Have a romantic dinner without utensils so you can feed each other. There’s something sensual about placing food in your partner’s mouth. It’s such fun — especially when you serve stuff that’s not supposed to be eaten with your hands, like salads or pasta. After a meal like this, serve yourself for dessert.” (Via Cosmo favourite sex tips) Tried this with a Big Mac  in Macdonald’s on Sunday. No one wanted desert.  

4) “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.” (Via nerve.com) Cosmo leaves it up to us what to do with this delicious concoction. But be warned, if mixing one part phlegm to one part water ignites your passions, it is possible that you have found a new low amongst the mucus-lined depths of erotic boredom.

5) “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.” (Via Cosmo’s 50 ways to be boobilicious) Interesting. If this much body paint proves a little costly, you could always take inspiration from tip 3 and blend your favourite dinner (be it steak and chips, roast chicken, whatever tickles your fancy!) in the food processor, slop it all over yourself, and launch yourself at him like the erotic trooper that you are.  Then lick it off.  

6) “A little nip: Try a little playful bite or nibble when you’re giving your man all-over kisses. Hot spots for nibbling include his neck, stomach, inner thigh and bum.” (Via Cosmo kissing tips). If you are tired of nibbling your man’s bottom (it can become quite laborious, I find), you could always enlist the help of an obliging rodent.

hamster 7) “Sexpert” Henry, 25, says, “If we’re somewhere semi-public and can’t go at each other, press your hips against mine and massage me with your pelvis.” (via Cosmo’s sex tips from guys). Nope. No danger of that going wrong. No one will notice that. But, just in case, maybe don’t try this on public beaches in Dubai.

8) “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) You could also try to get Bird Flu and pass it to him, to heighten the sneezing pleasure for both of you.

9) “Blow hot air from your mouth through his underwear” (Via Cosmo Blow His Mind Moves) I’m glad Cosmo specified “from your mouth”! I was just about to go to the shops and stock up on baked beans! Phew! That could have been embarrassing!

10) To get into the festive mood, Glamour magazines “The Reindeer”, which is “your basic doggie style position. But with one or both parties using their hands to mime antlers. Festive! Also, great for testing your balance!” (Via Glamour magazine). I always like a good excuse to test my balance. Nothing else to add here really, other than do make sure you save this one for a special evening over Christmas. There’s nothing sadder than doing “The Reindeer” on a work night in January, and I should know. But you could always design your own “fun specials” for different times of the year or other religious festivals: do send in any ideas!

11) “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.” (Via The best of Cosmo ridiculous tips at Nerve.com). Perhaps I have misunderstood the extent of the sensitivities of the male glands, but my gut instinct is that, should you try this tip, your man may wonder what he has done to make you so angry with him that you would perform this ritual. But then again, my forehand volley is more powerful than most – perhaps I’m just too tame. An alternative would be to lay some peach stones (left over from tip 2) on the bed, lay his “member” on top of them, and stomp down hard.

12) “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.” (Via Nerve.com). I’m not sure what this means. I have thrown beer in the face of a man before, but I’m not sure that either of us regarded it as foreplay. Nevertheless, best blindly trust the sooth-saying words of Cosmopolitan magazine and massage your man with egg white and hops.

13) “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive” (Via buzzfeed.com). This works best if you do it as a surprise, and, as one of my twitter followers recommended, if you use a toilet brush. 

14) “Want to experience new sensations that will literally blow his mind? Get him to cover his penis in bicarbonate of soda and secretly fill your vagina with vinegar. Get ready for an explosive time!” (via… OK, I made that one up.)

15) “While it’s essential that you’re comfortable with each other and to be yourself with your partner, there are certain things your lover never need witness. Remember, whilst he may know that we aren’t entirely hairless beings, he doesn’t need to see the actual shaving of the underarms…” (via Glamour’s G-Spot Blog). This tip strikes me as especially problematic. If only they’d stopped writing at the first comma. Will making the reader feel she should be ashamed of (parts of) her body improve her sex life? Or rather, is feeling completely comfortable and free of shame, and trusting that your partner will not be disgusted by your body a precursor to more pleasure? Perhaps Glamour magazine should go f*** itself, as it were. 

Finally, let’s end with some classic Glamour imperative DOs and DON’Ts! DON’T let Glamour, Cosmo etc. make you feel anxious, insecure and that only he matters (of course, if this isn’t the case and this parallel cosmos of mostly food-related sex tips turns you on, fine). But isn’t it a shame that, given that Cosmopolitan alone has a readership of 3 million (made up of many teenage girls for whom tips like this  constitute sex education) that women’s magazines don’t offer something better? Actually, it’s not a shame. It’s a feminist issue. DO (really do!) read these: http://blog.museumofsex.com/the-internal-clitoris/ http://www.crunkfeministcollective.com/2011/05/16/it-gets-wetter-a-message-to-women-who-frequently-have-horrible-rushed-sex-nsfw/

What kind of rape apologist are you?

4 Jun

TRIGGER WARNING: The following contains descriptions that may serve as triggers for survivors of sexual violence

So you’ve done the Marie Claire, What Shoe Heel Are you most Like? quiz,  Glamour’s questionnaire has confirmed that – congratulations – you are ‘Ana’ enough to date Christian Grey, and you know which which romantic comedy cliché you are (that last quiz is genious, btw), but you still don’t know who you really are? Well laydeez and gentleman, don’t stress! Our quiz this week will take you one step further on your exciting journey of self-discovery through ridiculous monthly magazine quizzes as you find out, are you a rape apologist, and if so, what kind?

1) When is it ok to have sex with someone without her/his consent?

a) When they are unconscious

b) When they are asleep

c) When you perceive them to be “really fit” and a bit “slutty”

d) When they look older than 13

e) When they are drunk and/or high on drugs

f) Never

If you answered f), go straight to the “Results” section below

2) In cases of alleged rape, the accuser is obviously lying/the accuser shouldn’t have justice if the accused is…

a) Really, really good at football

b) A Left-wing, anti-corporate hero

c) A “Uni Lad” partaking in hilarious “banter”

d) A famous, arty, well-connected director

e) Her boyfriend

3) If one accuses someone else of rape apology, this is most likely because one is…

a) Lacking in compassion. Many young lives are ruined when rapists who are minors are punished for their (natural) sexual misconduct, apparently

b) A raving republican involved in a complot against wikileaks

c) A “dyke”

d) Like one of the baddies in Les Miserables

e) Confused about what rape is. “Rape isn’t always rape”

Results

If you answered mostly a), you are probably…

A CNN Style Rape Apologist!

You think it is super sad when rapists are caught 😦 If they are young (like the young star football players from Steubenville who repeatedly gang raped a girl and circulated their films of the incidents via social media) being on the sex-offenders list means they might have trouble getting a job in the future 😦

If you answered mostly b) you are probably…

A “Free Assange”-style Rape Apologist!

Along with John Pilger, Ken Loach, Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and many more high profile, respectable leftie fellahs, you probably feel really sad about wikileaks founder Julian Assange being cooped up in the Ecuadorian embassy. If a gal consents to sex once, surely it’s not rape if you roll on top of her again and start going at it when she’s sleeping. And if a girl says she won’t have sex unless you wear a condom, if you don’t bother putting one on and force her legs open a bit, that’s not rape, is it? You’re with George Galloway: it’s just “bad sexual etiquette.”

If you answered mostly c), you are probably…

A Uni Lad Rape Apologist!

You think rape is hilaire!!! And, as your fave magazine (Uni Lad is voted number one lads mag for male UK university students, apparently!) has noted, 85% of rapes go unreported, so you’ll probably get away with it! Hilarious! If any “bitch” tells you that this isn’t funny, just tell her that’s she’s a “dyke” (she’s probs just bitter cos she’s ugly and no1 wants to do her!) It’s all about the bantaaaaaah! Just remember to say “surprise”!

If you answered mostly d), you are probably…

A Hollywood A-Lister  or French Foreign Minister-style Rape Apologist!

So a famous film director rapes a 13 year-old girl. So he did something that was wrong. So he sought exile in France to avoiding having to go to prison after being charged with, and pleading guilty to, unlawful sex with a minor. But, do we really have to keep on hounding the poor guy? He’s getting old now and his films are so beautiful. Plus, Polanski’s a stickler for old-fashioned romance!

If you answered mostly e), you are probably…

Nick Ross, ex-Crimewatch presenter famous for his interesting retort against Miriam O’Reilly’s complaint of BBC ageism/sexism, “I’ve never worked with a minger”! Ross rightfully points out that many victims “tend to feel dirty, embarrassed, racked with revulsion and self-blame after their rape”, and therefore suggests that we give the victims a voice in these cases and acknowledge that their rape wasn’t really rape (it would be patronising not to, says Nick), especially if the perpetrator was their boyfriend, or if the victim was drunk or high on drugs. Thanks Nick. You and Kenneth Clark, who finds date rape confusing and not always that serious, probably get on well.

If you are an aspiring Nick Ross-style rape apologist, Gloss Watch’s brilliant style-guide may help you.

If you answered f) to the first question…

I’m sorry you have to share this earth with human beings that fall into categories a) to e).

Liebster

2 Jun

Thank you to Kastiyos and Liz Terry for nominating me this week for a Liebster and Very Inspiring Blogger Award respectively. I am very honoured.

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At first, I wondered whether or not to take part. The Awards involve sharing facts and answering questions about oneself. Whilst this suits perfectly blogs written in a diary format, and, as the 60s feminists said, the personal is political, I wondered if readers of this blog would appreciate it, given my usual style of sarcastic articles and angry letters. I would therefore like to thank Louise Mensch for inspiring my rethink.

Mensch, in her tirade against British feminism in Friday’s Guardian, claims that UK feminists are too busy in-fighting to get anything done, and that we frighten away male would-be feminists with our tiring, over-complicating attention to giving a platform to the voices of feminists who are not rich, white, heterosexual, able-bodied and capitalist.

Since joining the “online feminist community” around a year ago, I have found the vast majority of dialogues with other feminists educational and inspiring. By connecting with other bloggers who share similar feminist values, I have gained confidence and ambition in my campaigning through their support and encouragement. Therefore, in line with the requirements of the Liebster Award* and to counteract Mensch’s assertion that online feminism is vicious, divisive and disconnected from “reality”, I will nominate some blogs that I enjoy and – I hope – that others may find enriching, relevant and “real”.

The 11 blogs I nominate:

11 facts about myself:

  • When I grow up, I want to star in the British sketch show Smack the Pony
  • I drink too much and I never stand straight
  • The older I get, the more content I am in my own skin
  • My enjoyment of Have I Got News For You is severely tarnished when there are no women panelists
  • I cannot understand why Made in Chelsea has not yet sparked a proletariat revolution
  • I find apathy unnerving
  • The Coop aside, I hate the big supermarket chains, and hate myself even more for being too disorganised and lazy to boycott them
  • I have never been waxed. Yet I have inadvertently used the sticky side of a sanitary towel to remove pubic hair
  • I once trimmed my eyebrows with nail scissors
  • On the rare occasion that I make it through a woman’s magazine without defacing or burning it, (by “woman’s magazine” I mean the likes of Grazia, Cosmo etc.) I feel my self-confidence ebb away at the same speed as my urge to buy useless crap grows
  • I hope to have a child or plural one day. If I have a daughter, I will not be following a Conservative government “info-pamphlet”  in order to bring her up.

Below are the answers to the questions put to me by my nominator Kastiyos:

1. What is your favorite part about blogging?

I am sick of BBC-Braindead. There is an alternative to the mainstream media. We are the media.

2. If you could change anything about blogging, what would it be?

The most marginalized people are also those least likely to have access to blogging as a tool for making their voices heard.

3. If you could have any animal as a pet, which one would you choose?

Boris Johnson

4. List three words to describe yourself?

I’m happy today

5. If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?

Peace, happiness, equality.

6. Name someone you truly admire and why?

Aminatou Haidar for her relentless courage and determination

7. What would you do if you were to win the lottery today?

Shamefully spend on ridiculous excesses (including a house and traveling the world), get bored, then invest in a non-charitable foundation providing funding for advocacy-focused, social justice activities.

8. If you were to participate in a talent show, what would your talent be?

Sadly I have no “show-talents” so to speak, but I can twist my hand 360° around my wrist.

9. What is your dream car?

I’m a terrible driver and have little interest in cars. Ideally, I would have a car that ran on human waste.

10. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?

A free and independent Western Sahara

11. If you could invent anything you want, what would it be?

A full-proof mechanism for achieving the answers to question 5.

My questions for my nominees:

1)   What do you want to be when you grow up?

2)   What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

3)   Are you a feminist? Why (not)?

4)   What’s the most humbling experience you’ve had in your life?

5)   Which woman do you most admire?

6)   Why did you start blogging?

7)   Do any of your favourite films pass the Bechdel Test?

8)   Please recommend some comedians

9)   Which sexist, racist, ableist or otherwise bigoted aspect of popular culture would you most like to see mocked?

10) In your opinion, which beauty product is the most useless?

11)  In your opinion, which current governmental policy in your country is even more useless than your answer to point 10, and what can we do about it?

*Since the Liebster and Very Inspiring Blogger Award rules are very similar, it seems futile to do both. I have picked Liebster since I received this one first. The rules: answer 11 questions posed to you by your nominator; state 11 facts about yourself; nominate 11 other blogs, and; create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.