Aspiring, feminine, natural women, did you know that you aren’t a proper woman unless you undertake an annual ritual to obtain a “bikini body” ahead of the summer months? No? Well fear not, for today we shall be tapping into the wisdom of Merida, star of Brave, who has successfully – well, almost successfully – made her body “beach ready” just in time for a trip to California where she will be crowned as Disney’s newest princess. Follow her process and you too could look vaguely acceptable during the two hours of summer that are forecast for Britain this year:
1) Merida underwent the Smell Diet – that’s the one in which you can smell as much food as you want, as long as you don’t eat any – to slim her waist down until it measured no more than the circumference of her neck.
2) Merida, despite being a teenager, acquired all-important breast implants, because if your boobs aren’t large, pert and symmetrical enough, you most certainly aren’t “bikini ready.”
3) Merida had her offensively frizzy hair tamed and her face made-over using a cocktail of overpriced beauty products in order to make her overall image more alluring. She then ditched her bow and arrow (sporting skills are such a turn-off in girls) and covered her simple Highland dress in diamante sparkles, because all young ladies like nothing more than to shine.
What did Merida forget? Her self-tan of course! Silly girl. Her pale skin gives her an ill look, which will surely offend the eye when she arrives at the beach. Due to Merida’s neglect of this essential step in the bikini-body process, it is impossible to publish a photograph of her in swimming attire. If you forget any steps whilst trying to get beach-ready, I advise that you keep your body fully covered else you put your fellow holidaymakers off their low-fat ice creams. Sceptical? You shouldn’t be. Just ask Samantha Brick.
Brenda Chapman, Merida’s creator, described the character’s makeover, in which Merida was given rounder eyes, less frizzy hair, lipstick and a thinner waist ready for her addition to Disney’s collection of princesses, as “horrible”, “a blatantly sexist marketing move based on money,” adding that “Disney marketing and the powers that be that allow them to do such things should be ashamed of themselves.” Chapman explained that she had created Merida in order to break the mould of the typical beautiful but vapid Disney princess, “to give young girls a better, stronger role model, a more attainable role model, something of substance, not just a pretty face that waits around for romance.” However, thanks to pressure from campaigners like Chapman, plus a petition signed by over 200,000 created by the website A Mighty Girl, Disney have been forced to do a U-Turn. The original, pre-glamourous make-over Merida has now taken her throne in the Disney Princess hall of fame, although some merchandise still includes the sexed-up image.