Archive | May, 2013

Repelling sex pests the UKIP way

20 May

Top woman’s lifestyle magazine Cosmopolitan, which is surely every woman’s bible for all the dilemmas life rudely thrusts in our faces, says that cat-calling should be taken as a compliment. Cosmo’s Features Intern states that “sometimes a bit of attention, even if it’s in the form of a jeer from a middle-aged man drilling a hole in the street, can feel quite nice.”


Cosmo annual (care of the Onion news)

But what if, unlike Cosmo’s Features Intern, you find the practice of strangers voicing their personal evaluation of your body and sexual attractiveness infuriating and intimidating? Well, you had better modify your behaviour, demeanour and dress: if a man harasses you, it’s your fault, because men are simple beings that are incapable of changing their comportment or controlling their sexual urges (although, funnily enough, when it comes to actual groping they often manage to control such urges until there’s no one around to see, Lib Dem Lord Rennard being a case in point). And if a harasser takes things one step further and “abuses” you, well, quite frankly, you are probably mistaken. As Steve Moxon, Andres Breivik sympathiser, Jimmy Saville apologist, ex-UKIP representative and author of The Woman’s Racket argues, “There is plenty of research showing a very high proportion of even formal allegations of sexual assault to police are fabrications (likely the majority…)”.  Indeed, UKIP has embraced blame-culture, so best act now to avoid blame if you are harassed or attacked (for rape prevention tips, go here).

So, how to divert unwanted sexual attention? There are many theories, but given the rising power of UKIP and the abundance of British Citizens voting to live the UKIP way (rumour has it that the home counties have already declared independence from Europe), it is intelligent to draw some sex pest repellence tips from UKIP itself. Indeed, it is important to pay close attention to UKIP’s own suggestions of how we can repel their supporters and members, given the sex-pest-esque way senior UKIP members treat wimmin-folk.

As far as I am aware, UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who is himself open about his hobby paying young women to take their clothes off, has yet to harangue fellow high-ranking UKIP politician Godfrey Bloom for his misogynist claims that businesses are mad to hire women of child-bearing age. Apparently, for Bloom, women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.  His hobby? Taking “big-titted bimbettes” (more commonly known as female politics students) to the European parliament. To be fair to Farage, he did sack Scottish UKIP MP and regular punter John Houston after the latter advocated for free visits to brothels for civil servants, work camps for people with disabilities, execution for the mentally ill and separate communities for people with facial disfigurements.  How to avoid unwanted attention from the likes of Houston and Bloom? Well, besides leaving your big tits at home when you go out, you could also try these three simple tips:

1) Wear trousers

Demetri Marchessini, one of UKIP’s most generous donors, suggests in his book Women in Trousers: a Rear View  (a book featuring photographs of the women of London and New York and their unattractive, trouser-clad bottoms) that women are currently “using trousers like a uniform every single day. This is hostile behaviour. They are deliberately dressing in a way that is opposite to what men would like. It is behaviour that flies against common sense, and also flies against the normal human desire to please.”


Godfrey Bloom and his “girls”

2) Wear jeans, or, if it’s winter, go bare-legged. Also consider strappy ankle shoes and, if over a size 10, try wearing a slip dress

Says UKIP supporter Joan Collins, if you are unfeminine enough, men will turn gay, which greatly reduces the danger of unwanted sexual attention. According to Collins, ankle-strap shoes are “seriously unattractive.” She also advises that women over a size 10 do not look good in slip dresses, and no one is appealing with bare legs in winter. In a damning indictment of the classic american trouser, she describes jeans as “rarely glamourous.” Levis it is then.

3) Speak. Lots. Preferably in a foreign accent

Des Lynam, ex-BBC sports presenter and prominent UKIP supporter has described the female voice as “grating and unattractive” after having to listen to wimmin-commentators throughout the past summer’s Olympic events (Lynam must surely have got on well with the late national treasure Sir Patrick Moore, fellow UKIP fan, who famously complained of women ruining the BBC). If you find that speaking with your banshee-like voice is in itself not enough to get rid of any pests, then try speaking in a foreign accent, especially one belonging to one of the poorer EU Member states, and your harasser will disappear quicker than you can say “political correctness gone mad.”

Let us close this blogpost with a poem in memory of the political career of Geoffrey Clark, recently dismissed from UKIP due to his interesting policy suggestions, which included forced abortion of fetuses with down syndrome and euthanasia for the over 80s as a solution to NHS overspending:



… Do you see?

It’s so much like the end of Rome

With all the Roman legions returning home

Permitting Britannia to burn, decay, alone.

But other foreign legions are returning,

Bringing a kind of cancer in their wake;

Cancer not of Britain’s doing, but one that Britons make.

Our present leaders are elected to preside

Over our ancient green and pleasant land

Just to give it all away, to an alien hand.

So this cancer slowly spreads all around us.

Then our empire crashes, near unnoticed.

Must we hand it to the strangers without protest?

Will our children hate us for an absent deed? –

The treachery of which is so apparent?

With marriage killed, what deed is more abhorrent?

First freedom, then glory, and when that fails,

Wealth, vice, corruption. Barbarism at last!

‘Tis but the same rehearsal of the past.

…So do we wait, or do we act?

We must strike out now, and turn the tide,

There is very little more time to wait,

‘Else children will have for us the guilty, nought but hate.”

By Geoffrey Clark 17.11.12

though George Gordon Byron helped with verse 6



Merida gets a “bikini body”

16 May

Aspiring, feminine, natural women, did you know that you aren’t a proper woman unless you undertake an annual ritual to obtain a “bikini body” ahead of the summer months? No? Well fear not, for today we shall be tapping into the wisdom of Merida, star of Brave, who has successfully – well, almost successfully – made her body “beach ready” just in time for a trip to California where she will be crowned as Disney’s newest princess. Follow her process and you too could look vaguely acceptable during the two hours of summer that are forecast for Britain this year:

1)   Merida underwent the Smell Diet – that’s the one in which you can smell as much food as you want, as long as you don’t eat any – to slim her waist down until it measured no more than the circumference of her neck.


Merida before and after getting her body “beach ready”

2)   Merida, despite being a teenager, acquired all-important breast implants, because if your boobs aren’t large, pert and symmetrical enough, you most certainly aren’t “bikini ready.”

3)   Merida had her offensively frizzy hair tamed and her face made-over using a cocktail of overpriced beauty products in order to make her overall image more alluring. She then ditched her bow and arrow (sporting skills are such a turn-off in girls) and covered her simple Highland dress in diamante sparkles, because all young ladies like nothing more than to shine.

What did Merida forget? Her self-tan of course! Silly girl. Her pale skin gives her an ill look, which will surely offend the eye when she arrives at the beach. Due to Merida’s neglect of this essential step in the bikini-body process, it is impossible to publish a photograph of her in swimming attire. If you forget any steps whilst trying to get beach-ready, I advise that you keep your body fully covered else you put your fellow holidaymakers off their low-fat ice creams. Sceptical? You shouldn’t be. Just ask Samantha Brick.

Brenda Chapman, Merida’s creator, described the character’s makeover, in which Merida was given rounder eyes, less frizzy hair, lipstick and a thinner waist ready for her addition to Disney’s collection of princesses, as “horrible”, “a blatantly sexist marketing move based on money,” adding that “Disney marketing and the powers that be that allow them to do such things should be ashamed of themselves.” Chapman explained that she had created Merida in order to break the mould of the typical beautiful but vapid Disney princess, “to give young girls a better, stronger role model, a more attainable role model, something of substance, not just a pretty face that waits around for romance.” However, thanks to pressure from campaigners like Chapman, plus a petition signed by over 200,000 created by the website A Mighty Girl, Disney have been forced to do a U-Turn. The original, pre-glamourous make-over Merida has now taken her throne in the Disney Princess hall of fame,  although some merchandise still includes the sexed-up image.


As Jezebel has pointed out, Merida isn’t the first Disney Princess to get a makeover. Check out Tiana (pictured here after and before) from the Princess and The Frog (Disney’s one and only African American princess) who received a nose job before being used to sell merchandise.

Response to letter regarding Sun’s request

13 May

I was grateful to receive a response from Charity Comms this morning to my letter ( regarding a request from a The Sun journalist, which was circulated by the Charity Comms service on Friday. I promised to publish any responses, so please find the message below:


In response to Sun’s request for a naked photoshoot

10 May

Dear Matthew,

I am writing to you in response to the request that popped up in my inbox earlier this afternoon. I have also copied in Charity Comms, which deemed your request as relevant to charities that fall into the “women’s group”, “children” or “family welfare” categories. I do hope that you receive several replies from “women’s groups” and that said “women’s groups” tell you exactly what they think of you.

Picture 2

Let me recount for you a memory from my childhood. I recall a day out with my father in which we passed a man on a bench staring fixatedly at the highly sexualised image of a bare-breasted young woman in a newspaper. I remember how this sight provoked a feeling of surprise, disgust and anger but, given my young age, I could not articulate why. When my father and I returned home, I found my mother breastfeeding my younger sister. My immediate reaction was to fetch a tea towel to cover her bare chest, lest a stranger should ogle at her body in the style of that same repulsive man in the street. I think that is the day that I became a feminist. I wanted my mother, my sister and indeed women and girls in general to be seen by all as more than objects, mere pieces of meat, for men’s sexual gratification. Your newspaper, filled with men in clothes doing “useful” things, a single giant image of a girl in her pants, and, apparently, as of Tuesday, naked Real Women TM in “nude thongs” who can only “get happier” when men rate their bodies favourably, is, therefore, not one of my favourite publications. Just so you know.

Your request implies that women have psychological problems and that we are “overly negative” on ourselves when we “needn’t be.” I completely agree that many women have a much lower sense of self-worth than they should have. We are plagued by body dismorphia, eating disorders, shame and crippling insecurities. However, I would argue that having men publicly rate the sexual attractiveness of naked women does little to improve women’s self-confidence and self-worth. Rather, it does the exact opposite. Why do women, generally speaking, have such low body confidence? Because we are taught, you might even say brainwashed, from birth by the mainstream media, fairytales, toys, films, advertisements, adults, peers and so on that our worth is inextricably tied-up with male approval and that male approval is dependant on being beautiful, attractive and sexually available. We can escape this, not by having Sun Readers, Gok Wan, Dove or Boots tell us that we possess Real Beauty TM, but by severing the ties between our self-worth and our perceived sexual attractiveness. The “health feature” you plan for Tuesday’s edition of The Sun, on the other hand, reaffirms for many women that their very happiness and psychological wellbeing should be based on male perceptions of their naked bodies.

I would like to end my letter in a civilised fashion. However, I’ve had a long day at work, which was made longer by my outrage at receiving your shitty request. So, I’m just going to bid you farewell immaturely and, in a petty fashion, wish that someone who is more technically savvy than me photoshops a picture of you (and perhaps also Rupert Murdoch and your other misogynist colleagues) so that you appear naked but for a “nude thong”, ready to be rated by millions. I wonder if a Sun psychologist will tell you that this is an empowering experience and that you will “get happier” as a result. I think not.