David Cameron: a style guide

27 Apr

Inspired by a recent 6-page-long analysis of St Margaret Thatcher’s style, “look” and “power dressing”, I have of late been thinking of the way in which we analyse the dressing, grooming and physical appearance of our women politicians. Such focus on their clothes and looks helps to demean the political campaigns and professional activities of such women, which is important since, after all, no country is safe with a female in charge. Instead of seeking power, women should stick to what they do best: sitting pretty and looking sexy for the male population. If women need help and support in this mission, they can consult magazines such as Glamour, which remind women of the ugly, fat, imperfect beings that they are and convince readers of the need to purchase expensive products that aid ladies to look better.

If you are a male politician eager to shepherd the woman vote, you could do worse than to be interviewed by a woman’s fashion mag. After all, despite the fact that David Cameron’s austerity cuts disproportionately affect women and are likely to regress women’s equality, I will still vote for him because, ever since he was interviewed in Glamour and Grazia magazines, he just seems so fashionable and stylish 🙂 (David Cameron has launched a concerted strategy to woo the woman-vote by appearing in misogynistic fashion mags! I know this is old news but I’ve been out of the political loop lately as my focus on the crippling but incredibly successful Gywneth Paltrow No Food Diet  has left me too weak to read newspapers). Anyway, to cut to the chase: all this has called for a Natural Woman exclusive interview with the Prime Minister himself, our very own, real-life, Mr Darcy. Enjoy…

 Natural Woman: Welcome Prime Minister! And yes, girls, he’s just as hot in real life 🙂

Prime Minister: Thank you! It’s a pleasure to be here. Please, call me Dave.

Natural Woman: So, Call Me Dave, what’s your process for grooming every morning?

Call Me Dave: Well, I like to cleanse, tone and moisturise. You see, with all the stress of being Prime Minister, my skin tends to suffer. My forehead in particular gets really dry, especially on PMQ Wednesdays, because the salty sweat I excrete with all the lies and half-truths really agitates the skin.

Anyway, after moisturising, I like to apply foundation. It makes my skin tone nice and even. Then, about 6:30 every morning, my Celebrity Stylist arrives. He’s great – he gives me the perfect, slick comb-over and applies some great hair product to keep the style shiny and in-place all day. I truly believe the comb-over is the best style for today’s Tory gentleman. It’s classy, timeless, perfect for any occasion or workplace, and can be manipulated to suit any face shape – even my famously two-faced Lib Dem colleague Cleggy gets away with it!

Natural Woman: Great – that sounds very thorough! Although, in our view, there is always more you could do to look better… Anyway, with such an in-depth beauty regime, how do you find the time to run the country?

Call Me Dave: Ah well, I’m a lucky man! My wonderful wife SamCam helps me with most of the important decisions. For example, if ever I get Delhi-belly following too much curry post party conference, she helps consult my skid marks the next day. Together, we follow our inner-spirits to help us interpret the telling, sooth-saying shapes on the toilet bowl or my pants, which are sent to us by Dame Thatcher, from beyond the grave. This process always guides the most crucial of my policy decisions, as you can probably tell.

Natural Woman: Inspirational! So, Call Me Dave, do you own a ManBag?

Call Me Dave: Of course! Briefcases just don’t cut the mustard these days. I need a bag with room to hold all my papers, evil plans to exterminate Britain’s underclass, my gym clothes (it’s really important for me to keep in shape, especially since SamCam and I have got a holiday coming up) and my diary, so that I can keep track of my appointments for drinkypoos with George.

So anyway, the manbag is bang on trend yet still looks great paired with my vintage two-piece suits. Oh, and the full-grain leather shell feels just wonderful against my skin if I’ve decided to flash a little flesh 😉

Natural Woman: I can imagine…

Call Me Dave: Calm down dear 😉

Natural Woman: Cheeky! Call Me Dave, you’re a hoot! I’m so voting for you in the next election 🙂

 Gallery of Call Me Dave’s Five Key Looks for Summer

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Call Me Dave gets down with the plebs by ruffling his hair and bravely going tieless. Booyakasha!

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Call Me Dave wooing the woman-vote with this dashing, Hugh-Grantesque look. This pic was taken during Dave’s days at the Bullingdon club, a members-only gathering for the rich and posh with a penchant for partaking in arson (not the good kind!) now and then.

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Dave teasingly leaves a few buttons open… strip-tease sexy… or perhaps the belly roles indicate that Dave’s let himself go of late – Could it be the trauma of the breakdown in his relationship with Cleggy? Watch Made in Chelsea, which has kindly sponsored this article, to find out.

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Dave attempting to get his body beach-ready (Natural Woman has sold this photograph to Heat magazine, where Call Me Dave will deservedly be ripped to pieces for daring to look so ugly in public).

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By creating a Slim silhouette with his soft-shouldered jacket and clean lines, Call Me Dave managed to persuade two common people to perform a Bullingdon sándwich. Tragically, he broke the spell by farting.

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