Archive | April, 2013

David Cameron: a style guide

27 Apr

Inspired by a recent 6-page-long analysis of St Margaret Thatcher’s style, “look” and “power dressing”, I have of late been thinking of the way in which we analyse the dressing, grooming and physical appearance of our women politicians. Such focus on their clothes and looks helps to demean the political campaigns and professional activities of such women, which is important since, after all, no country is safe with a female in charge. Instead of seeking power, women should stick to what they do best: sitting pretty and looking sexy for the male population. If women need help and support in this mission, they can consult magazines such as Glamour, which remind women of the ugly, fat, imperfect beings that they are and convince readers of the need to purchase expensive products that aid ladies to look better.

If you are a male politician eager to shepherd the woman vote, you could do worse than to be interviewed by a woman’s fashion mag. After all, despite the fact that David Cameron’s austerity cuts disproportionately affect women and are likely to regress women’s equality, I will still vote for him because, ever since he was interviewed in Glamour and Grazia magazines, he just seems so fashionable and stylish 🙂 (David Cameron has launched a concerted strategy to woo the woman-vote by appearing in misogynistic fashion mags! I know this is old news but I’ve been out of the political loop lately as my focus on the crippling but incredibly successful Gywneth Paltrow No Food Diet  has left me too weak to read newspapers). Anyway, to cut to the chase: all this has called for a Natural Woman exclusive interview with the Prime Minister himself, our very own, real-life, Mr Darcy. Enjoy…

 Natural Woman: Welcome Prime Minister! And yes, girls, he’s just as hot in real life 🙂

Prime Minister: Thank you! It’s a pleasure to be here. Please, call me Dave.

Natural Woman: So, Call Me Dave, what’s your process for grooming every morning?

Call Me Dave: Well, I like to cleanse, tone and moisturise. You see, with all the stress of being Prime Minister, my skin tends to suffer. My forehead in particular gets really dry, especially on PMQ Wednesdays, because the salty sweat I excrete with all the lies and half-truths really agitates the skin.

Anyway, after moisturising, I like to apply foundation. It makes my skin tone nice and even. Then, about 6:30 every morning, my Celebrity Stylist arrives. He’s great – he gives me the perfect, slick comb-over and applies some great hair product to keep the style shiny and in-place all day. I truly believe the comb-over is the best style for today’s Tory gentleman. It’s classy, timeless, perfect for any occasion or workplace, and can be manipulated to suit any face shape – even my famously two-faced Lib Dem colleague Cleggy gets away with it!

Natural Woman: Great – that sounds very thorough! Although, in our view, there is always more you could do to look better… Anyway, with such an in-depth beauty regime, how do you find the time to run the country?

Call Me Dave: Ah well, I’m a lucky man! My wonderful wife SamCam helps me with most of the important decisions. For example, if ever I get Delhi-belly following too much curry post party conference, she helps consult my skid marks the next day. Together, we follow our inner-spirits to help us interpret the telling, sooth-saying shapes on the toilet bowl or my pants, which are sent to us by Dame Thatcher, from beyond the grave. This process always guides the most crucial of my policy decisions, as you can probably tell.

Natural Woman: Inspirational! So, Call Me Dave, do you own a ManBag?

Call Me Dave: Of course! Briefcases just don’t cut the mustard these days. I need a bag with room to hold all my papers, evil plans to exterminate Britain’s underclass, my gym clothes (it’s really important for me to keep in shape, especially since SamCam and I have got a holiday coming up) and my diary, so that I can keep track of my appointments for drinkypoos with George.

So anyway, the manbag is bang on trend yet still looks great paired with my vintage two-piece suits. Oh, and the full-grain leather shell feels just wonderful against my skin if I’ve decided to flash a little flesh 😉

Natural Woman: I can imagine…

Call Me Dave: Calm down dear 😉

Natural Woman: Cheeky! Call Me Dave, you’re a hoot! I’m so voting for you in the next election 🙂

 Gallery of Call Me Dave’s Five Key Looks for Summer

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Call Me Dave gets down with the plebs by ruffling his hair and bravely going tieless. Booyakasha!

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Call Me Dave wooing the woman-vote with this dashing, Hugh-Grantesque look. This pic was taken during Dave’s days at the Bullingdon club, a members-only gathering for the rich and posh with a penchant for partaking in arson (not the good kind!) now and then.

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Dave teasingly leaves a few buttons open… strip-tease sexy… or perhaps the belly roles indicate that Dave’s let himself go of late – Could it be the trauma of the breakdown in his relationship with Cleggy? Watch Made in Chelsea, which has kindly sponsored this article, to find out.

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Dave attempting to get his body beach-ready (Natural Woman has sold this photograph to Heat magazine, where Call Me Dave will deservedly be ripped to pieces for daring to look so ugly in public).

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By creating a Slim silhouette with his soft-shouldered jacket and clean lines, Call Me Dave managed to persuade two common people to perform a Bullingdon sándwich. Tragically, he broke the spell by farting.

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50 Shades of Pink Laptops

7 Apr

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Perhaps you have the raw talent to pen a literary masterpiece, much like the one above by yours truly. Perhaps, though, you lack the technical know-how to be able to type up your creations on a standard computer. If this is you, worry not sister, as Fujitsu, Delle and Eurostar have created tablets, e-pads and laptops that are simple enough for even a woman to get the hang of.

First of all, lets check out Eurostar’s E-pad Femme. It may sound like a make of sanitary towel, but in fact it is every woman’s dream. It comes with a whole range of woman-friendly apps pre-downloaded (so that you don’t need to get in a tizzy when you can’t manage to procure them yourself): a tape-measure app, to make sure you aren’t getting too chubby, a cooking app, so you can make your husband a delicious dinner every night and a “woman’s assistant” app, which provides you with weight-loss tips (if you didn’t know it already, YOU’RE FAT). Likewise, technology giant Delle’s for her Della (see what they did there?) website offers tips on calorie counting and cooking.

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E-pad Femme

Although the E-pad Femme comes in a pretty shade of pink, it may not be glamorous enough for every woman. Ladies with a taste for all things diamante may prefer Fujitsu’s latest model. Since females are attracted to shiny things (men, take note and get some pejazzle sorted), Fujitsu has come up with the sinister-sounding Floral Kiss computer, which features bejewelled keys, a power button with a “pearl-like accent,” gold-trimmed casing and “a flip latch that can easily open the display—even by users with long fingernails.Charmed, I’m sure. I have made a note in my Ladydate Diary to buy a Floral Kiss (and hope against hope that no one ever performs one on me). I will then be able to finish my erotic parody 50 Shades of Pink safe in the knowledge that my manicure will not suffer.

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Ladydate Diary, complete with gold-grained cover and gilted edges, so you can keep track of all your ladydates to do ladylike things in style.

Supporting the Police with further ridiculous safety tips to help me not get raped

4 Apr

Trigger warning: the following contains photos that may serve as a trigger to victims of sexual violence

It seems that the Police believe that women would not worry about their own safety if the Police did not tell them too. Therefore, in order to reduce rapes, the Police tell us to follow their top safety tips, which apparently will stop rape happening: do not drink; do not walk home alone; do not take minicabs; do not behave in a “seductive” way; do not talk to strangers; do not dress “provocatively,” etcetera etcetera. If you neglect to follow these tips and you are consequently raped, it is your own fault. The rapist has no agency in his actions. Rape is a passive phenomenon that women leave themselves open to if they do not behave in certain modest ways. Men cannot help themselves. Or so imply the Police’s anti-rape campaigns.

Let me add that the Police seem to be unaware that most rapists do not follow the “knife-wielding stranger down the dark alleyway” model (although, truth be told, some do), that most rapists are known to the victim, and that, therefore, the Police’s “tips” are redundant since the only way for a woman to avoid getting raped is to avoid being in the company of rapists, which is, unfortunately, impossible.

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Thames Valley police’s trigger-inducing anti-rape poster tells girls not to drink (and parents not to buy their daughter’s drink) less a helpless boy find himself raping them

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Sickeningly badly-judged poster from the Met Police. This poster has forced me to begin several a tube-catching day in the most foul of moods.

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West Mercia police have now apologised for the above poster, and have admitted that rapists, rather than alcohol, cause rape.

Let’s be clear – all things considered, the Police’s safety-tip-focused, don’t-get-raped campaigns are somewhat misogynist, given their focus on victim-blaming (the non-misogynist alternative would be anti-rape campaigns that encourage men not to rape). In response, the wonderful world of twitter feminists has created a few sublime #safetytipsforladies to complement the Police’s ridiculousness.

 Ladies, to avoid rape, try the following:

–       “Carry a whistle, people may think you are a high school football coach and respect your autonomy”

–       “It’s well known that rapists have evil background music accompaniment, so keep your ears open and listen!”

–       “Avoid places where there are rapists or possible rapists, the moon for example is currently men free”

–       “Fill your vagina with cement and let it dry”

–        “Safe fashion outfits include a Sherman tank, a hollowed-out rhinoceros, and a Wheelie bin with holes cut for your feet”

–       “Skin tantalizes rapists, whether visible or coquettishly covered. Leave your skin at home.”

–        “Don’t be attacked by guys with a promising future. That is the absolute WORST decision you can make.”

–        “Rapists love ponytails. Surround yourself with ponies and the rapists will be too confused to attack”

–       “Always project strong body language. Rapists are put off by women who walk on their hands continuously”

–        “The majority of rapists are known to the victim. Consider not knowing any men.”

–       “It is a fact that rapists target human ladies, so be an animorph. Transform into an eagle at the first sign of danger.”

–       “If you hide your forearms in your sleeves, the rapist will mistake you for a T-Rex and carry on his way”

–       “If you wear a broccoli safety-pinned to your lapel manly carnivorous men will be repelled and won’t rape you”

–        “Always carry a Furby. It’s a proven fact that everyone is afraid Furbies, so when attacked, throw it at the rapist.”

–        “Just accept rape cultures definition of consent. Then you can never be raped.”

–        “Take a course on personal empowerment and then wear a cape to let would-be-rapists know that you are empowered.”

–        “When approached in a bar by a man you don’t know … what were you doing in a bar anyway you slut?”

–       “Stop being a woman in public”