Are you a woman? Do you sometimes have difficulty getting “in the mood”? Does sex sometimes prove disappointing? Did you think this was due to one or more of a whole range of factors in your life such as stress, body confidence issues, feeling disrespected by your partner, relationship satisfaction, the quality of your sexual education, a selfish lover or indeed wider social, political and economic factors? If you thought so, you would be wrong.
Leafing through the pre-Christmas weekend edition of one of Spain’s favourite newspapers, El País, I was delighted to learn of a cure for a new disorder that, according to the paper, affects 80% of women. Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSD), which appears to be alternatively termed as Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) by some medics, is an “illness” (El País’ term) whose symptoms include lack of sexual desire and an inability to orgasm. If you didn’t already know it, women’s sexualities aren’t just complex, they are positively pathological. Thankfully, some American pharmaceutical companies have found a cure for the dysfunction, which they themselves seem to have invented.
Your sexual failures and bodily dysfunctions can be quickly fixed by squirting Tefina, a spray gel containing testosterone, into your nose two hours before sexual activity. According to El País and their range of medical experts (many of whom happen to be pharmaceutical company directors), the nasal spray will make you horny and allow you to come. Yet, if you are scared that too much testosterone will cause “aggressiveness, excessive body hair, insomnia and weight gain” (as suggested by El País) then rejoice, because there is an alternative solution for your illness: the G-Shot.
Says one of El País’ said medical experts, the G-Shot simply involves injecting some collagen or hyarluronic acid into your G-spot, thereby making it bigger (but surely not more sensitive?), and it only costs £800. This confuses me somewhat, since I had previously believed that the G-spot was a mythical invention that happened to be conveniently located for the form of sexual activity preferred by heterosexual men (unlike the clitoris). If the G-spot doesn’t exist, how can one inject it with acid? Could this all be just another ploy by the multi-million pound cosmetogynecology and pharmaceutical industries to profit from women’s insecurities? Surely not. It was in the newspaper so it must be true.
I must go and wax my moustache – a happy sign that I may have enough testosterone to bottle and sell to all my friends for Christmas (with a healthy profit margin, of course J).