Archive | December, 2012

A History of Middle Britain, by Gove, son of Gollum

31 Dec

The Right Honourable Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, aka Gove the Great British, son of Gollum, has planned a new history curriculum for our Key Stage 2 halfling halfwits, or so says the Daily Male. For too long now has Labour’s reign of politically correct terror lived on through our school curriculum and, at last, 2013 will see the elimination of non-whites and women from our history diktat.

The new curriculum will be based on the chronicles of Middle Earth, penned long ago in the glorious Shire by one Dildo Baggins. As is the case with Baggins’ history, Middle Britain’s story will be penned in the Home Counties and will be one of white males who have won great battles against the forces of evil (the French and Germans). Again following Baggins’ lead, in Gove’s history there will be but One Woman to Appease Them All: 60 seconds of Cate Blanchett, aka Queen Elizabeth I, who got our men to trash the smelly orc Spanish once and for all! But all other historical women role models will be sent back to their Hobbit Holes to make good food and tend the hearth for when the warring menfolk return! Hurrah! Hurrah for Gove son of Gollum for making British history proper again and freeing us all from the corrupting influence of political correctness!

Daily Male reports women and non-whites will be removed from the history syllabus in a move against political correctness

Daily Male reports women and non-whites will be removed from the history syllabus in a move against political correctness

If the reported changes to the syllabus are correct, Guardian readers will surely put My Gove on the naughty chair

If the reported changes to the syllabus are correct, Guardian readers will surely put Mr Gove on the naughty chair

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Christmas present from the pharmaceuticals: A new medical dysfunction just for women!

22 Dec

Are you a woman? Do you sometimes have difficulty getting “in the mood”? Does sex sometimes prove disappointing? Did you think this was due to one or more of a whole range of factors in your life such as stress, body confidence issues, feeling disrespected by your partner, relationship satisfaction, the quality of your sexual education, a selfish lover or indeed wider social, political and economic factors? If you thought so, you would be wrong.

Leafing through the pre-Christmas weekend edition of one of Spain’s favourite newspapers, El País, I was delighted to learn of a cure for a new disorder that, according to the paper, affects 80% of women. Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSD), which appears to be alternatively termed as Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) by some medics, is an “illness” (El País’ term) whose symptoms include lack of sexual desire and an inability to orgasm. If you didn’t already know it, women’s sexualities aren’t just complex, they are positively pathological. Thankfully, some American pharmaceutical companies have found a cure for the dysfunction, which they themselves seem to have invented.

Your sexual failures and bodily dysfunctions can be quickly fixed by squirting Tefina, a spray gel containing testosterone, into your nose two hours before sexual activity. According to El País and their range of medical experts (many of whom happen to be pharmaceutical company directors), the nasal spray will make you horny and allow you to come. Yet, if you are scared that too much testosterone will cause “aggressiveness, excessive body hair, insomnia and weight gain” (as suggested by El País) then rejoice, because there is an alternative solution for your illness: the G-Shot.

Says one of El País’ said medical experts, the G-Shot simply involves injecting some collagen or hyarluronic acid into your G-spot, thereby making it bigger (but surely not more sensitive?), and it only costs £800. This confuses me somewhat, since I had previously believed that the G-spot was a mythical invention that happened to be conveniently located for the form of sexual activity preferred by heterosexual men (unlike the clitoris). If the G-spot doesn’t exist, how can one inject it with acid? Could this all be just another ploy by the multi-million pound cosmetogynecology and pharmaceutical industries to profit from women’s insecurities? Surely not. It was in the newspaper so it must be true.

I must go and wax my moustache – a happy sign that I may have enough testosterone to bottle and sell to all my friends for Christmas (with a healthy profit margin, of course J).

Bring back stoning

12 Dec

Today I have taken it upon myself to email the new head of the Church of England, Archbishop Oilwellby, ahem, Welby, with a few recommendations. I sincerely hope he raises these with our national leader, Call Me Dave. I share my email below, in case you too can be inspired to send your own ideas for the Archbishop’s coming reign:

Dear Archbishop Welby,

I am writing to express my delight at the announcement today that same sex marriage will be illegal across the Church of England (and the Church of Wales). Really, it is twice the delight, since it comes just a few short weeks after the Synod’s decision to ensure that no woman can be ordained in your House of God. These are two great milestones for Christianity, since God loves everyone apart from gays and ambitious women.[1] Although critics claim that enforcing a glass ceiling for women in the church and discriminating against non-heterosexuals is against UK law, we all know that it is best to ignore such trivialities and proceed with institutionalised bigotry because the bible says so. I am glad then, that everyone in the UK must abide by UK law, apart from the Church of England.

However, if we are to maintain customs that were popular in 500AD in spite of centuries of progress towards greater equality for women and non-heteros because the bible says so, then surely this legal concession for the Church does not go far enough. As Andrew Selous, parliamentary private secretary to the work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, points out, “this legislation will mark a significant moment as this country will be passing a law that is directly contrary to what Jesus said about marriage in Mark chapter 10 and Matthew chapter 19.” These are sad times indeed for the country. I would therefore urge you, in your position as Archbishop, to persuade David Cameron and his parliamentary chums to bring back a few other biblical laws, so that we can fully do what the bible says and not limit our maintenance of centuries-old traditions to those that apply to gays and women (because that really would be discriminatory!). Here are my favourite three ideas to get you started:

1)      Bring back the stoning of children (see Psalm 137), and then we can properly punish our offspring when they misbehave

2)      Bring back slaves (see 1 Peter 2:18), so they can help us all to lead good lives with less work and economic resources. Actually, slavery is already widespread across the UK, so we will merely have to legislate so that slave-drivers can no longer be punished.

3)      Bring back genocide against Israel’s neighbours (see 1 Samuel 15:3). Ah, again, it appears we already support this one. Apologies – no action by the coalition needed.

In anticipation of your response,

Natural, silent, woman, for whom my husband is my master.


[1] and a few other choice exceptions such as non-believers and worshippers of other Gods (such as Muslims), who will burn in hell