Here is the text of an email that I have today sent to Mr Toby Smart, Brand Manager of Cadbury at Kraft Foods, in praise of the new Crispello woman-only chocolate bar:
Dear Mr Smart,
I was very excited to read in Yahoo News today of your new, slim-line, woman-only chocolate bar elegantly named Crispello, which, I hear, “will be the perfect little treat for women” since “it contains only 165 calories” (a most attractive format for women according to your spokesman). Apparently, it will “also appeal to women because it is in three separate portions so they can consume a little at a time rather than in one go” and will include re-sealable packaging for the same reason. I was also interested to read your very own views in The Grocer’s article, in which you claim that other chocolate bars can be “quite intimidating to women” since it is harder to break them into smaller pieces. Crispello, you say, will give women “control”. I do love empowering chocolate. Who needs feminism when you’ve got Cadbury’s?
As you are no doubt aware, a large proportion of British women suffer from body insecurities and low self-image. How entrepreneurial of Cadbury to use this lamentable fact to your advantage. You re-affirm our body insecurities and encourage more and more women to convert to a calorie-counting way of life with your low-calorie bar and its £7m publicity campaign. Like other stars of the slimming and beauty industries, you make your own market by providing a “solution” to a problem that you yourselves create (low body self-esteem).
Of course, as an ultra-feminine woman, I approve. Women should worry about their weight. Indeed, it is naughty for women to eat chocolate, yet from time to time we do so and afterwards, we invariably become wracked with guilt (I’m glad, therefore, that I can feel less guilty after gorging on the Crispello). If you want my opinion, you should contact the Church and see about making high calorie chocolate an official sin for women. You see, rather like our fore-mother Eve, modern women tend to become overwhelmed with temptation for wretched foodstuffs and we are therefore liable to causing the downfall of humanity if we are not watched over carefully.
It’s so considerate of you to deliver Crispello in a re-sealable pack so that women can enjoy it in small portions over an extended period of time. Previously, when faced with large, chunky chocolate bars such as just-for-men Yorkie, I’ve become upset because the portion size was just too much for my slight, feminine frame to manage in one go. Incidentally, not just Yorkie bars but big, hard, manly things in general have always scared me and I certainly wouldn’t want to chomp on one.
That is all.
P.S. Finally, a question for you. I have assumed the name choice for your product was designed to evoke the sophisticated elegance of a slim Latin woman. With Latin gender pronouns in mind, why Crispello and not Crispella?
P.P.S. Can I use Crispello as a tampon?