Feminine ladies, the importance of retaining a youthful appearance should never be underestimated. Younger and prettier is always better. Wrinkles and white hair may add character and wisdom to a man’s look, but do not fool yourself into thinking this can be true of older women. Keep young and beautiful, or you may never snag that all-important dream man, without whom you will be a haggard old spinster forever, and you will have no one but feminists, lesbians and cats for friends.
At what age should you begin your fight against aging? US giant Walmart says during childhood, or at least its anti-aging cosmetics line aimed at eight-year-olds does. Nivea, on the other hand, actively encourages teenagers to use their anti-aging creams, which they see as a “proactive” way of “preventing the onset of wrinkles.” Dr Jean-Louis Sebagh of Crème Vital moisturising cream (£57 for 50ml, if you are interested) recommends that girls “start skincare young”. Indeed, says Dr Sebagh, “(i)f you start from 16 you will see the benefits. It is like feeding yourself properly.” I take certain issue with Dr Sebagh’s advice, since unlike neglecting moisturisers, not eating will eventually result in death. That said, if you are a proper woman, then “letting yourself go” and doing nothing to stop the appearance of those dry, scaly, clawing “crows feet” around your eyes, should really be punished by death (although, surely death is the ultimate form of aging prevention, n’est pas?).
It is settled. Start to preoccupy yourself with anti-aging creams as a teenager, or, to quote Nivea, be even more “proactive” and begin a lifelong dissatisfaction with your looks as a child. But at what age should you consider more, what I call, structural solutions, such as the knife or needle? My personal view is age 33 (which gives me a few more years to save up for some ops!) for this is a magical age. Saint Joseph was 33 when he took the Virgin Mary for a wife…. Word has it that the Virgin Mary no longer changed physical appearance from her 33rd year on Earth, her beauty both internal and external… 33 is the name of a private members club in the magical world of Disneyland… I have 33 vertebrae in my back… I diverge… Do excuse me. A few ideas to help you look younger:
- The old favourite, Botox: inject poison into the muscles of your decrepit face to ensure that they can no longer contract or receive signals from your nerves.
- The new Harley Street fad, the Vampire Facial: the customer’s own blood is extracted from the arm and then spun at a vigorous speed in a Centrifuge for six minutes before being re-injected into the person’s skin through tiny holds made in their face with a “probe”. This reminds me of the legendary torture device of the Middle Ages, the Iron Maiden. Yet it must work, because the Daily Mail says so. Says the columnist that tested it “(b)lood trickled down my face like raindrops down a window pane — so much blood that I can honestly say I’ve experienced few things as frightening in my life… but … it worked wonders on my neck.” You could also try the Elizabeth Bathory method (Bathory was the Slovak countess that killed 650 virgins in order to bathe in their youth-inducing blood. A modern, legal alternative could include a bath of black pudding).
- Favoured by British royals, Bee venom. What more can I say? You insert it in your face. It’s Mother Nature’s botox.
- Finally, why not try a “traditional” Thai face-slapping facial, a snip at $350 per 15-minute slot: My dad would say that anyone who pays $350 dollars on a beauty treatment deserves a slap. But he has leathery skin.