Archive | September, 2012

Modesty begins at home: a lesson from Kate Middleton

26 Sep

Last week, I learnt a valuable lesson from our Great British Highness Kate Middleton, who, in a most unladylike fashion, has been revealing her breasts in public. Although she was technically on private property, her bare chest was within camera-lens-zooming distance of a public road, which, as several media publications have been helpful enough to point out, means that she is complicit in her semi-naked body becoming public property for scrutiny.

Ladies, revealing yourself, or wearing tight, “provocative” clothing, in any place where you could possibly be seen (even if within the boundaries of your own private premises) is not feminine behaviour at all. If you are photographed whilst doing so by a creepy man or a journalist, then you can only blame yourself. Evidence of ladies that have not behaved as they should is often posted on internet websites such as Creepshots is a masculine place where observant people post pictures of the bottoms, crotches and breasts of unaware lady members of the public. Such websites are useful to women and girls, as they help to encourage us to act and dress in the modest fashion that is best-suited to our sex.

Proper ladies should always ensure that they are covered up. When taking a bath, wear a wet-suit. When you need the toilet, do not lower your drawers, but make use of a nappy. Whilst canoodling in bed with your gentleman friend, use the old hole-in-sheet trick, lest he secretly be filming you. A few simple precautions such as these can go a long way when it comes to maintaining your respectable, lady reputation. If only Kate Middleton had been following my blog before she went to France.

Finally, as a last request before you navigate away from this blog, may I ask that you take a few short moments to close your eyes and reflect on the glory and sanctity of female modesty. Oh, to be a woman, sitting fully clothed in the bath.


Bikini line solutions for the modern woman

9 Sep

Proper women are highly skilled in grooming themselves in accordance with the latest fashions of the day. Like real-life fembots we systematically pluck, wax, trim, dilapidate and laser ourselves to make sure we are bald on all the right patches of our skin. On the other hand, we must grow our hair on some patches of our bodies, and if our locks are not long and smooth enough, we should, of course, extend them with man-made (or poor people’s) hair.

Yesterday, whilst changing clothes before departing for a rare trip to the public baths, I glanced in the mirror and froze in horror at the sight of my poorly pruned privates. Imagine the scene of mass, fear-fueled exodus from the pool by my fellow swimmers were they to spot a stray pube protruding from underneath my costume. This is a probable scenario, since women’s natural bodies are disgusting, and if you wish to be a socially acceptable lady, you must take measures to disguise your numerous hair imperfections. If you fail to do so, you risk Heat magazine journalists zooming in on the ugly parts of your body and printing the images in their weekly publication for their British female readership to devour and ridicule. With this in mind, I decided to apply hair removal cream to my bikini line. The problem was that the mixture, which uses a combination of chemicals to burn away your hair, smelt horribly of rotten eggs and left an unsightly and sore rash of red pimples all over my tender lady’s area. As such, the swimming trip was abruptly cancelled.

And so arises my dilemma. How can one employ a pricey product (and thus maintain our revered beauty industry) to make the hair of my lady area more socially acceptable? As always, after a few hours of intense and laborious thought, I came up with a solution: pubic hair extensions! Why not? If attaching someone else’s long hair to your head is feminine, surely it is so for your bikini area.

Below you can observe a picture of Yours Truly modeling the new bikini line style at home.

Team up your long blonde extensions with an iridescent purple sarong for a sophisticated summer look.

In addition to the extensions, I have happily discovered a new lady-area related hobby. Thanks to Cosmopolitan, the magazine for endless tips on how to pleasure your man, I have discovered  the oracle of femininity, the more attractive sister of Vajazzle, the pinnacle of womanly prettiness. I have discovered pubic hair stencils.

What fun I’ve had shaping my pubic hair into heart shapes! My bikini area looks fabulous and feels happy, so thanks Cosmo magazine! Yet, in addition to the stencil shapes provided by Cosmo, you should be creative and try new ideas. How about a Playboy bunny shape? Or, if in a catholic country, try a crucifix? Why not embrace the Great British Jubolympic spirit and stencil a portrait of Elizabeth Regina onto your bikini area? You could then justify christening your front bottom with a sophisticated, even regal, pet name: it could be your Queen Elizabeth Vagina, and all its loyal subjects would be bound to serve it until death. What more can I say? Ma’am, it’s such fun to be a socially acceptable woman.