“Golden brown, texture like sun”. The opening line of The Stranglers famed song is pertinent to me as it evokes the image that I would ideally like my skin to project all year round. Sadly, in the north east of England, summer has rudely passed us by without even stopping to say hello and thus it has been challenging to achieve and maintain the perfect tan. I am very sad about this, since the beautiful, feminine, brown shimmer that I created by sitting by the pool in Spain for two weeks really brought out the colour in my eyes. Nevertheless, always reliable, the restless engine that is the beauty industry has stepped in with a range of modestly priced products to help ladies to achieve a sun-like texture.
First of all, let us contemplate Fake Bake for Teens, a fake tan designed with the adolescent lady in mind. The website implies that a teenage girl will need to buy four products (exfoliator, moisturiser, self-tan and instant tan) in order to achieve the perfect “look”. The names of the products are particularly useful (“Rough to Buff”, “Bland to Tanned”, “Dull to Delicious” and “Pasty to Tasty”) since they remind the self-aware reader how ugly she is without the Fake Bake chemical cocktail rubbed all over her virgin skin. As I have said before, the younger one can instil a low self-esteem amongst girls, the more positive the results will be in terms of their determination to strive for feminine perfection.
A feature in my favourite newspaper, The Daily Mail, has also informed me of a product that I am itching to try out. Apparently, with Skin Kiss Fake Tan Tights you can develop a bronzed look in “less than two hours”. Let me quote the rest of the Daily Mail feature on the tights in extenso:
“The hosiery works via a patented technology, which ensures microfibres in the tights contain tanning solution, leaving the wearer’s legs ‘perfectly’ tanned. Once used, the sheer tights can be washed and worn again and they come with a pair of plastic gloves to minimize the risk of getting stained hands during removal. Other Skin Kiss innovations include the Caffeine Tights, which are impregnated with microcapsules of caffeine to break down cellulite. Worn daily for a three week period, wearers reportedly saw the benefit of a 2 cm reduction on each thigh while the skin also appeared smoother.”
Magical tights that can reduce the circumference of my thighs by 2 cm in less time than the duration of my feminine cycle? “Unbelievable”, I hear you shout, but it was in the Daily Mail, so it must be true. Nevertheless, my sister Feminine Frances has warned me that the chemicals in fake tan have been linked to cancer, and so I have scoured the internet in search of organic solutions.
Organic tan 1: black tea
The website selftanningqueen.com recommends using tea to give yourself a home-made glow (and perhaps the caffeine will magically remove cellulite, as the aforementioned Daily Mail feature suggests). The instructions advise you to boil the kettle and brew an extra-strong pot of tea using ten bags, which is then transferred to a spray bottle and spritzed all over your naked body. I considered this process for a while and concluded that it would be easier to brew the tea in a bath tub. In case you are inspired to try this yourself, below is a photo-documentary of my experience.
Organic tan 2: cocoa powder
I was not best pleased with the results of the black tea. I was thus forced to place all my hope in this second solution, cocoa powder (or hot chocolate) mixed with face cream. This recipe comes from the website food.com, which perhaps indicates that it is also possible to eat the mixture, if the fancy tickles you. Again, please find a photo-documentary of the process below.
A final word of warning to the feminine woman. It has been reported that the cocoa powder organic tan is irresistible to dogs. Therefore, if you apply the mixture, approach dogs with extreme caution. Note this sad cautionary tale from Jt’s Mom on the food.com website:
“I can’t wait to try this (cocoa fake tan recipe)! I noticed that in the reviews that dogs love this. Dogs love chocolate and garlic. Garlic is healthy for dogs, however chocolate is VERY toxic for them. My friend’s Golden Retriever died after he got into a box of chocolates that were gift wrapped, under the Christmas tree and he only ate 5. Bless his heart. We all laughed until he passed and the vet told us why, it was so sad. Don’t know if there is enough cocoa in this to kill a dog, but it might make them sick (especially a little puppy). Just thought I’d caution those who are not aware of this.”
Perhaps a solution would be to add garlic to your fake tan, to counterbalance the toxic chocolate. If anyone has tried this, please let me know the result.