In pursuit of pertness

12 Aug

In these times of economic crisis, our Leader-in-Chief Call Me Dave has decided to privatise England in order to create more revenue for the government. As well as the general sell-off of public assets, his policy includes cutting funding to such glorious institutions as universities. But fear not budding scholar, for when university departments with no immediate business benefits are long gone, and the arts, social sciences and philosophy are just a distant dream, University College London will still be able to offer you a degree (if you can afford it).

Some UCL departments have adapted well to the new capitalist model of higher education and are conducting research with high economic benefits. One staff member in particular has an excellent model: carry out innovative research that will heighten the body insecurities of all proper women, disseminate it at a national level, then refer said women to your clinic for a “confidence-boosting” solution with a hefty price tag. Genius! Well done Dr Malucci of University College Hospital and the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (or BAAPS for short, which is a little ironic, as you will see)! This is a little like the Nestle baby formula model, n’est pas? Call Me Dave would be proud!

Whilst reading that high-brow newspaper preferred by all top academics, The Sun, Dr Malucci was perusing page 3, that section of the paper where women do what they were born to and show off their feminine assets for the pleasure of good English gentlemen at least twice their age, and began (in his words) to “question what it is that make readers find these breasts appealing”. How could he find a solution to this puzzling conundrum? What important contribution could he make to society by coming up with the answer?

Dr Malucci decided to carefully analyse the breasts of one hundred of The Sun’s page 3 girls, then published his findings in International Journal of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgery. Ladies, this stunning research has found the key features that determine whether or not your breasts are attractive enough for Sun readers. First, the part of the boob lying below the nipple should be ten per cent fuller than that above it, “like page 3 Hollie or model Kelly Brook”. Dr Malucci goes on to explain, “The nipple meridian — a horizontal line drawn at the level of the nipple — (lies) at a point such that the proportion of the breast above it (is) 45 per cent and below 55 per cent…The more breasts deviate from these measures the less attractive they are regardless of size.” Great! now we can quantify how unattractive our chests are! Time to get your protractors out girls and check if you measure up for the discerning taste of Sun readers for, if not, Dr Malucci has created the perfect boob job just for you (lets hope that the feminazis have not got too near him or he might be forced to create the perfect nut job to correct the proportion of his injured testicles)!

Angles aside, in recent times I have become more and more concerned about the pertness of my breasts. As we are often reminded by the media in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, a woman’s breasts should be pert and perky, like two little Jack Russell Terriers eager to be taken out for a walk around the block by their owner. Sadly, as we get older, it becomes harder to maintain this pubescent ripeness, even with the help of a wonderbra. In these times of economic crisis, some of you may prioritise the payment of your mortgage above cosmetic surgery to correct the unsightly sagging of your breasts. Nevertheless, even the frugal girl can fight gravity by taking into account a few of the solutions presented below.

1)   Hang upside down

Go to the park and hang upside down on the monkey bars or a similar apparatus for at least two hours per day. Instead of fruitlessly trying to overcome gravity, you can harness its power and make your breasts sag upwards instead of downwards (much more attractive and feminine)


Me and my two puppies fighting gravity in the park


Feminine Frances about to perform a breast dismount

2) Hydrotherapy

Thank you for this incredibly useful pertness-producing tip:

“The next time you’re in the shower, spend a few minutes toning your breasts. Simply rinse your breasts with warm water for 30 seconds and then switch to the coldest water you can stand for 10 seconds. Continue alternating between warm and cold water for several minutes.

The cold water application must be for a shorter duration than the hot. It is also important to end the treatment with cold water. Do not apply water that is hot enough to burn. The hot application should be pleasantly warm.”

3) Rub them

FairLady, a commentator from a Yahoo Forum ( dedicated to making breasts more attractive has the following advice:

“i’ll tell you one secret that has kept my breasts firm all these years – whenever you shower and wash/soap your breasts, do it in circular motions.. left hand counterclockwise on right breast, and right hand clockwise on left breast.. i never realized this habit gave me a lifetime benefit…after 3 kids. :-)”

4) Put a potion on them

Get a Lovely Jubblies potion from your local Lush store, or all good witch doctors:

““Take care of your finest features with Mother Nature’s finest ingredients. Inspiring men and women alike, our rather brilliant breast cream is packed full of tightening meadowsweet infusion and firming tiger lily petals to help fight the forces of gravity. We add heaps of beeswax and organic oils of almond and avocado to soften your melons and keep them supple, (and to make it even harder to keep your fans at bay!) Smooth a generous amount over your décolletage area and leave your cleavage smelling like a fresh floral bouquet of orange blossom, rose, jasmine and ylang ylang.”

5) Ask God nicely

Here is a tip from the excellent website If you want firm and perky boobs, you had better start praying pronto:

“I remember being 11 years old and my mother telling me “whatever you want just pray to God and ask him for it”. At this time I had my mind made up on exactly what I wanted and what I’d ask him for. So I said “Lord, please give me big boobs”. By 13 I was a 32DD. I wish my mother would’ve told me to be specific with my prayer and ask for FIRM and PERKY big boobs. Having big boobs is awesome, having them sag is not.”

6) Sellotape them

Check out this advice from Teri Hatcher, top Hollywood actress, quoted in an article on

“Any model or Hollywood actress who wears fancy designer ball gowns knows how to expertly manipulate gaffer tape to mush, lift and hold your breasts like a bra. It’s a perfect temporary boob job.When you wear those complicated, low-cut dresses, and you’re 40, that’s how you can achieve perfect cleavage.” Teri had also confessed earlier this year that she regrets not having a bronze cast taken of her breasts when she was in her twenties, because they were perfect. She says “I think they should have been bronzed at some point because there was so much hysteria surrounding them. I suppose you could have worse compliments.”

Luckily, I was more foresighted than Teri Hatcher, and had my father pay for a bronze cast of myself back when I was age sixteen. If your father doesn’t have enough money to pay for a sculptor, try the following more cost-effective idea from Cosmopolitan magazine (one of the best magazines for learning how to be feminine as well as for advice on all important areas of your life such as pleasing your boyfriend, pleasing your husband, pleasing your male acquaintances and pleasing strangers who are men). Cosmo says, referring to your breasts, “do a topless solo photo shoot, and hide the evidence. When you’re 70, you’ll love to look back at how awesome they were.”

Look back and cry.

7) When you are still 18 years old and your breasts are at their perky best, use the Freezing Charm (made famous by Harry Potter and his chum Hermione Granger) to make sure they stay in place:


Sisters doin’ it for themselves


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