What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and…

3 Aug

Below is a picture of a girl. She is a baby, yet you can already tell that she is going to become a well-presented, socially acceptable woman one day. If only my parents had treated my sister and I in a similar fashion, we wouldn’t have to work so hard today to be more womanly and alluring. Indeed, I would have no need to be writing this blog today.

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When we were children, my father enjoyed ironing and my mother made us wear trousers and play in the mud. Mum and Dad’s utter disregard for gender norms f*cked us up royally in the psychological department, resulting in one particularly unsavoury incident in which my sister and I shaved the heads of our Barbie dolls and burnt their plastic bodies to a shard.  I’m ashamed and embarrassed, but it is better to share this uncomfortable memory so that the reader can learn from it. We must prevent such acts of violence against dolls that provide us with a body image that all girls can spend their lives aspiring to.

If you want your daughter to grow up properly, you must start young and make the importance of feminine gender roles, particularly the necessity for women to give an impression of constant sexual availability, clear from birth. Fortunately, gender-aware capitalism has provided us with a few little gems to make our jobs as nurturing mothers easier:

ImageMake sure your daughter knows she’s on earth to sexually titillate with this delightful pole dancing kit “suitable for participants of 11 years and upwards”, previously available in the Children’s toys department of Tesco and Asda (before the feminazis had them removed). Note especially the pretty pink garter and fake money – perhaps a male member of your family could use the latter to play too 🙂

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In the same regard as the kit above, check out this pole dancing doll. Cute!

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Tasteful little thong for your seven year old. I especially like the heart with “eye candy” written inside, and the rectangle with “wink wink” on. Tee hee!

ImageGive your girl some lovely playboy stationary to take to school with her. Who knows? Maybe she too might be a top role model for all young western women and become Heff’s next concubine (see below). We can all dream!

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“Virgin Waxing” is the latest craze for young girls and their mums. The theory is, if you start waxing your daughter’s bikini line from age 8, before puberty starts, it will remove all the hair roots and nothing will ever grow back. A top example of preventative action against non-womanliness. Non?

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We all know how helpful airbrushing is for women who have failed to look their best in photographs. Voila! The innovative “stylin’ studio” can help girls to learn how to airbrush away all their physical faults, as well as showing them a million other ways in which they could look better. Hurrah! I want one!

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A great way to make sure that your daughter grows up always striving to look better is to lower her self-esteem from a young age. What better way to do this than by giving her a push-up bra before she’s even old enough to walk? Thanks Abercrombie and Fitch (a similar product used to be available in Primark, but sadly the feminazis struck again).

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My Cleaning Trolley, “girls only”, cannot fail to make your daughter aware of the future domestic role that she must play.

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Once again, Barbie brings us a little diamond. This time, with it’s “beautiful girl – press any button” yellow star, we have “Benign Girl”, which, I believe, fully embodies everything we should want from our girls. Benign. Thank you Barbie.

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One Response to “What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and…”

  1. Shocked 30 Year Old!! June 20, 2015 at 4:43 pm #

    What the actual fcuk!? Came across this in error and i’m absolutely horrified!!

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