TRIGGER WARNING: The following contains descriptions that may serve as triggers for survivors of sexual violence
So you’ve done the Marie Claire, What Shoe Heel Are you most Like? quiz, Glamour’s questionnaire has confirmed that – congratulations – you are ‘Ana’ enough to date Christian Grey, and you know which which romantic comedy cliché you are (that last quiz is genious, btw), but you still don’t know who you really are? Well laydeez and gentleman, don’t stress! Our quiz this week will take you one step further on your exciting journey of self-discovery through ridiculous monthly magazine quizzes as you find out, are you a rape apologist, and if so, what kind?
1) When is it ok to have sex with someone without her/his consent?
a) When they are unconscious
b) When they are asleep
c) When you perceive them to be “really fit” and a bit “slutty”
d) When they look older than 13
e) When they are drunk and/or high on drugs
If you answered f), go straight to the “Results” section below
2) In cases of alleged rape, the accuser is obviously lying/the accuser shouldn’t have justice if the accused is…
a) Really, really good at football
b) A Left-wing, anti-corporate hero
c) A “Uni Lad” partaking in hilarious “banter”
d) A famous, arty, well-connected director
e) Her boyfriend
3) If one accuses someone else of rape apology, this is most likely because one is…
a) Lacking in compassion. Many young lives are ruined when rapists who are minors are punished for their (natural) sexual misconduct, apparently
b) A raving republican involved in a complot against wikileaks
c) A “dyke”
d) Like one of the baddies in Les Miserables
e) Confused about what rape is. “Rape isn’t always rape”
If you answered mostly a), you are probably…
A CNN Style Rape Apologist!
You think it is super sad when rapists are caught If they are young (like the young star football players from Steubenville who repeatedly gang raped a girl and circulated their films of the incidents via social media) being on the sex-offenders list means they might have trouble getting a job in the future
If you answered mostly b) you are probably…
A “Free Assange”-style Rape Apologist!
Along with John Pilger, Ken Loach, Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and many more high profile, respectable leftie fellahs, you probably feel really sad about wikileaks founder Julian Assange being cooped up in the Ecuadorian embassy. If a gal consents to sex once, surely it’s not rape if you roll on top of her again and start going at it when she’s sleeping. And if a girl says she won’t have sex unless you wear a condom, if you don’t bother putting one on and force her legs open a bit, that’s not rape, is it? You’re with George Galloway: it’s just “bad sexual etiquette.”
If you answered mostly c), you are probably…
A Uni Lad Rape Apologist!
You think rape is hilaire!!! And, as your fave magazine (Uni Lad is voted number one lads mag for male UK university students, apparently!) has noted, 85% of rapes go unreported, so you’ll probably get away with it! Hilarious! If any “bitch” tells you that this isn’t funny, just tell her that’s she’s a “dyke” (she’s probs just bitter cos she’s ugly and no1 wants to do her!) It’s all about the bantaaaaaah! Just remember to say “surprise”!
If you answered mostly d), you are probably…
So a famous film director rapes a 13 year-old girl. So he did something that was wrong. So he sought exile in France to avoiding having to go to prison after being charged with, and pleading guilty to, unlawful sex with a minor. But, do we really have to keep on hounding the poor guy? He’s getting old now and his films are so beautiful. Plus, Polanski’s a stickler for old-fashioned romance!
If you answered mostly e), you are probably…
Nick Ross, ex-Crimewatch presenter famous for his interesting retort against Miriam O’Reilly’s complaint of BBC ageism/sexism, “I’ve never worked with a minger”! Ross rightfully points out that many victims “tend to feel dirty, embarrassed, racked with revulsion and self-blame after their rape”, and therefore suggests that we give the victims a voice in these cases and acknowledge that their rape wasn’t really rape (it would be patronising not to, says Nick), especially if the perpetrator was their boyfriend, or if the victim was drunk or high on drugs. Thanks Nick. You and Kenneth Clark, who finds date rape confusing and not always that serious, probably get on well.
If you are an aspiring Nick Ross-style rape apologist, Gloss Watch’s brilliant style-guide may help you.
If you answered f) to the first question…
I’m sorry you have to share this earth with human beings that fall into categories a) to e).