Top woman’s lifestyle magazine Cosmopolitan, which is surely every woman’s bible for all the dilemmas life rudely thrusts in our faces, says that cat-calling should be taken as a compliment. Cosmo’s Features Intern states that “sometimes a bit of attention, even if it’s in the form of a jeer from a middle-aged man drilling a hole in the street, can feel quite nice.”
But what if, unlike Cosmo’s Features Intern, you find the practice of strangers voicing their personal evaluation of your body and sexual attractiveness infuriating and intimidating? Well, you had better modify your behaviour, demeanour and dress: if a man harasses you, it’s your fault, because men are simple beings that are incapable of changing their comportment or controlling their sexual urges (although, funnily enough, when it comes to actual groping they often manage to control such urges until there’s no one around to see, Lib Dem Lord Rennard being a case in point). And if a harasser takes things one step further and “abuses” you, well, quite frankly, you are probably mistaken. As Steve Moxon, Andres Breivik sympathiser, Jimmy Saville apologist, ex-UKIP representative and author of The Woman’s Racket argues, “There is plenty of research showing a very high proportion of even formal allegations of sexual assault to police are fabrications (likely the majority…)”. Indeed, UKIP has embraced blame-culture, so best act now to avoid blame if you are harassed or attacked (for rape prevention tips, go here).
So, how to divert unwanted sexual attention? There are many theories, but given the rising power of UKIP and the abundance of British Citizens voting to live the UKIP way (rumour has it that the home counties have already declared independence from Europe), it is intelligent to draw some sex pest repellence tips from UKIP itself. Indeed, it is important to pay close attention to UKIP’s own suggestions of how we can repel their supporters and members, given the sex-pest-esque way senior UKIP members treat wimmin-folk.
As far as I am aware, UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who is himself open about his hobby paying young women to take their clothes off, has yet to harangue fellow high-ranking UKIP politician Godfrey Bloom for his misogynist claims that businesses are mad to hire women of child-bearing age. Apparently, for Bloom, women belong in the kitchen and bedroom. His hobby? Taking “big-titted bimbettes” (more commonly known as female politics students) to the European parliament. To be fair to Farage, he did sack Scottish UKIP MP and regular punter John Houston after the latter advocated for free visits to brothels for civil servants, work camps for people with disabilities, execution for the mentally ill and separate communities for people with facial disfigurements. How to avoid unwanted attention from the likes of Houston and Bloom? Well, besides leaving your big tits at home when you go out, you could also try these three simple tips:
1) Wear trousers
Demetri Marchessini, one of UKIP’s most generous donors, suggests in his book Women in Trousers: a Rear View (a book featuring photographs of the women of London and New York and their unattractive, trouser-clad bottoms) that women are currently “using trousers like a uniform every single day. This is hostile behaviour. They are deliberately dressing in a way that is opposite to what men would like. It is behaviour that flies against common sense, and also flies against the normal human desire to please.”
2) Wear jeans, or, if it’s winter, go bare-legged. Also consider strappy ankle shoes and, if over a size 10, try wearing a slip dress
Says UKIP supporter Joan Collins, if you are unfeminine enough, men will turn gay, which greatly reduces the danger of unwanted sexual attention. According to Collins, ankle-strap shoes are “seriously unattractive.” She also advises that women over a size 10 do not look good in slip dresses, and no one is appealing with bare legs in winter. In a damning indictment of the classic american trouser, she describes jeans as “rarely glamourous.” Levis it is then.
3) Speak. Lots. Preferably in a foreign accent
Des Lynam, ex-BBC sports presenter and prominent UKIP supporter has described the female voice as “grating and unattractive” after having to listen to wimmin-commentators throughout the past summer’s Olympic events (Lynam must surely have got on well with the late national treasure Sir Patrick Moore, fellow UKIP fan, who famously complained of women ruining the BBC). If you find that speaking with your banshee-like voice is in itself not enough to get rid of any pests, then try speaking in a foreign accent, especially one belonging to one of the poorer EU Member states, and your harasser will disappear quicker than you can say “political correctness gone mad.”
Let us close this blogpost with a poem in memory of the political career of Geoffrey Clark, recently dismissed from UKIP due to his interesting policy suggestions, which included forced abortion of fetuses with down syndrome and euthanasia for the over 80s as a solution to NHS overspending:
“WE MUST TURN THE TIDE, AND THEN ADVANCE”
… Do you see?
It’s so much like the end of Rome
With all the Roman legions returning home
Permitting Britannia to burn, decay, alone.
But other foreign legions are returning,
Bringing a kind of cancer in their wake;
Cancer not of Britain’s doing, but one that Britons make.
Our present leaders are elected to preside
Over our ancient green and pleasant land
Just to give it all away, to an alien hand.
So this cancer slowly spreads all around us.
Then our empire crashes, near unnoticed.
Must we hand it to the strangers without protest?
Will our children hate us for an absent deed? –
The treachery of which is so apparent?
With marriage killed, what deed is more abhorrent?
First freedom, then glory, and when that fails,
Wealth, vice, corruption. Barbarism at last!
‘Tis but the same rehearsal of the past.
…So do we wait, or do we act?
We must strike out now, and turn the tide,
There is very little more time to wait,
‘Else children will have for us the guilty, nought but hate.”
By Geoffrey Clark 17.11.12
though George Gordon Byron helped with verse 6